IF in Hollywood(ish)

On the 4th of July, the Hallmark Channel showed a series of movies that I had been wanting to watch, so I recorded them. They were about a frontier family surviving in the 1880’s and beyond. I’m pretty sure they’re based on books, and they all had the word Love in the title. Anyway, that’s not important.

I had been watching a movie here and there when I’ve had time. Last night I finished the series with the movie “Love finds a Home.” This movie made me, as someone who struggled with IF for two years, SOOOOOOOO INCREDIBLY ANGRY! I mean, I guess it was what I should have expected, but I was really hoping it would be handled differently.

The movie is set in a small town in Missouri. A woman (Belinda) is the town’s doctor, and her very pregnant friend (Annie), also a doctor, comes to visit during the last stages of her pregnancy. Belinda is very excited to see her friend, but is conflicted at the same time. Belinda and her husband have been trying for an unspecified amount of time to get pregnant, and haven’t had any luck.

The actress who played Belinda did a really good job in portraying the conflicting feelings that often accompanies IF. The movie did a really good job in handling the issue. There is even a scene where Belinda is telling Annie how hard it is for her to be around people who are pregnant, and how she almost resents a lot of people she knows who have lots of kids and have never really tried. I could really identify with this part of the story.

Later on in the movie, Annie is having complications, and Belinda thinks that it would be best for Annie to stay until after the baby is born. They telegraph Annie’s husband and mother in law to tell them of the recent events, and Annie’s Mother in Law (played by the always fabulous Patty Duke), who is a midwife, decides that she needs to be there. The Doctor (Belinda) and the midwife don’t see eye to eye… blah, blah, blah plot stuff.

Eventually, the mother in law ( I really can’t remember the character’s name) finds out that Belinda is barren. Because she’s a midwife, and knows this stuff, she gives Belinda some unsolicited advice. Can you guess what it was? I bet you can…..

The advice: Relax. Read a book before bed. This is the magical cure for infertility.

At this point, I screamed at the television.

Belinda, being the doctor, thought it was a bunch of crap. (YAY BELINDA) More plot stuff happened, and Belinda and the mother in law ended up learning from each other, in true Hallmark Movie fashion. At the end of the movie, guess what happened? (I bet you can guess this one, too.) That’s right, kids! Belinda decides that she’ll start reading a book before bed. And THEN guess what?! The movie ended with her getting pregnant. Surprise!

Look, if you know me in real life, you know that I am a sucker for cheesy movies with happy endings. I usually cry. This one, though, even though it was really good in parts, made me want to throw my TV through a wall.

Did anyone else in Bloggy Land see this movie? What did you think? Is there a movie or book you have read that gave you a reaction similar to mine?

...or Not to test

I’m pretty sure I won’t have to waste a HPT this month. I’m not bleeding yet, but I feel like I normally do about 3 days before AF comes. A little crampy and bloaty and tired and that feeling, you know?

Oh well, I guess there’s always next month (for the 17th time…)

I think the tides are turning.

I actually have some stuff going on to tell you about…..

That cryptic request I had a while back? I think I can tell you now, because the initial hard part is over…. (I hope I’m no jinxing it!) I had an interview this morning to be the office manager for a chiropractic clinic. I think it went really well. 90% sure she’s going to call me back for a second interview. (Well, she said she would, but she still has a couple other people to interview first, so I’m leaving room to be disappointed.) This sounds like an amazing opportunity. She’s looking for someone to stick around for a while, and I’m looking to find a place to stick around in! It’s only about 10 minutes from my house (right now I drive 40ish) and it would give me the variety I’m craving. Please keep praying for me!

Also, I’m pretty sure I O’d on Monday. It was CD19, which is the earliest I’ve EVER O’d (since I’ve been charting) without Clomid or a trigger. I think that means the Vitex/ Cinnamon/ Soy combo is working, no? Also, even though we’ve been crazy busy this month, we actually managed to do some baby dancing that day! Do I think we actually made a baby? Not really- but there’s a chance, and it’s a step in the right direction!

Last but not least….. I’m going to be acting on a stage for the first time in 10 years! A good friend of mine is doing a fundraiser for Children’s hospital, and he asked me to play a small part in the play he’s directing. I’m terrible at memorizing lines, so a small part is all I really wanted, and I’m really excited! I used to be really into theatre in HS, but then life got in the way, and I just didn’t have time for it anymore. I’m SUPER nervous, though… what if I suck? At least it’s only a small part, and no one will really remember me- and it’s for a really good cause!

Cross your fingers, everyone! I really hope that this all works out for me…. After a year of NOTHING new happening, I think I’m about due for a few changes!

I don't get me

Remember my post about Mother’s Day? Remember how I was surprised by the reaction I had to the minister asking the mothers to stand up? Well, my emotions surprised me AGAIN. Normally I love surprises, but…..

So my co-worker’s husband’s birthday was yesterday. He didn’t have to work, so he met her up here for lunch. And he brought their 1 year old daughter. Co-worker warned me that she was coming, and I was actually really excited to see her. Usually I have no problems spending time with kids/babies. Actually, I love it. I look forward to it. I hadn’t see Baby since she was about 2 months old, so I was anxious to see how much she had grown.

And then my emotions decided to freak out again. I saw her and smiled and then strolled back over to my cube and hid my face in my hands.

Seriously, I’m over it. I really hate being OK with mommies and pregnant ladies and kids one minute and then freaking out about it the next. I hate not knowing how I’m going to react. I mean, if anyone would know how I would react to something, don’t you think it would be me?

UGH.

unexpected emotions

I wasn’t going to write this post. I wasn’t going to get on my blog and write about how much yesterday sucked. Quite honestly, most of the day DIDN’T suck. It was really mostly just a day of hanging out with family like normal. It was nice.

There’s one thing that has been bugging me, though. We went to church yesterday with my husband’s family. I’m REALLY not a fan of that particular church, but I put on a happy face, because that’s just what you do. So we were sitting in the pews and listening to the minister talk about mother’s day and ask questions of the ridiculously adorable children of the congregation. At the end of the discussion, the minister asked all of the moms in the congregation to stand up. I expected that.

I didn’t expect, however, the feeling that came over me. I didn’t feel mad or sad or disappointed or indifferent. What I felt was humiliated. Even as I sat there, I knew what I was feeling was crazy. Aside from my in-laws, I didn’t know anyone there, and I probably would never run into them again. They didn’t know my story. They didn’t know that I desperately wanted to be one of the women standing. For all anyone else knew, I was just a young woman who didn’t have kids. For all they knew, I could be someone who didn’t want kids, or just wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility.

So I sat there and applauded the mothers and smiled at the kids who were passing out “Happy Mother’s Day” key chains to everyone standing up. I did the best I could to hide the tears in my eyes, and was fully prepared to shrug it off as allergies if I was asked. I was so ashamed that I wanted to run out of the building and hide in my car and sob. I stayed, because I didn’t want to cause a scene.

Eventually the feeling faded and I was able to get through the rest of the service. As soon as it was over, though, I was out of there. I’m not sure why I had the reaction that I did. I guess I’m putting this out there because keeping it inside makes the feeling even stronger- like I should be hiding it- and I know that it’s not something to hide.

@#!%^*#&*^@#*

Well, it’s CD1 for me. WARNING: this is going to be a TMI post. If you’re one of those people who know me in real life and don’t really want to hear about my bodily functions, stop reading right now.
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I did O this month. The Hubs and I actually did “do the deed” during the fertile period. I didn’t say anything to him or anyone else about it. I guess I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t jinx it- and I’d be telling my family on Mother’s Day that I would be joining the ranks soon. I was wrong. Damn hope.

A couple of days ago, I started spotting. I still didn’t say anything. It was brown and REALLY light. I still had hope. Yesterday was more of the same. I had visions of taking an HPT on Saturday morning and waking the Hubs up and doing a happy dance and crying together and jumping on the bed (well maybe not. We have a low ceiling in our bedroom, and he’s 6’5”, so it would be ME jumping on the bed alone).

This morning, I woke up to find that AF did decide to pay me a visit. Bitch. And she’s not being very nice about it, either. I have the worst cramps I can ever remember having. I’ve taken 4 ibuprofen, and still I’m in bad shape. Dammit. And I still have to be at work and smile and act like I’m not in pain.

I’ve been taking the cinnamon for about 3 weeks. I started taking vitex this morning, and I’m stopping by Wally World on my way home to pick up some soy. I WILL O in May, dammit. This path I chose to take WILL work. It has to….

IF Etiquette?

I just found out my cousin is pregnant. It was twins, but she lost one. What do I say in the situation? Is it Congratulations or I’m sorry? Do I acknowledge that I know about the lost little one? We used to be really close when we were younger, but not so much anymore. What is the etiquette in this situation? You’d think I’d be better at this by now…..

PCOS sucks

I posted this on my local message board last night. It helped, but something kept bugging me to re-post it here. Some of it I’ve talked about before, and some of it I haven’t. It’s not anything deep or life changing, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out.

Warning: This is going to be long and whiny and exactly how I'm feeling right now.

I'm pissed off at the world. I'm angry that I keep gaining weight, my face is broken out like a teenager, the hair on top of my head is thinning, and my already embarrassing facial hair (due to being an Italian) is getting worse (because of PCOS). I feel like PCOS has taken over my entire identity. I don't recognize my body anymore. I'm self-conscious and it's hurting my marriage. I'm sure there is nothing sexier to a man than being with a woman who feels fat and ugly all the time. I hate that I have to choose between taking Metformin for my PCOS and Zoloft for my depression caused by my PCOS. I can't take them both at the same time if I want to keep my food down.

My husband doesn't get it. He tries, but he just doesn't. I'm out of words and I have no idea what to say or how to get him to understand how hard this is on me. I know that, in turn, it is just as hard on him, and it's such a vicious cycle that I have no idea which way is up.

I'm angry at myself because I can't seem to get healthy. I know I need to eat healthier, but the food is expensive, and I have such a hard time preparing it. Most of the "healthy" recipes that I've found and want to try have many ingredients in them that Paul doesn't like, and it's hard to work up the energy to cook 2 different meals. I need someone around who will encourage me without saying "don't eat that- it's not healthy" or "I'll believe it when I see it." I need someone who can lead by example without being the kind of person to get on a soap box expounding on the evils of processed food. I've never had to worry about what I put in my mouth before I got married (which is coincidentally when I got diagnosed with PCOS) and I'm sick and tired of trying so hard and then falling flat on my face.

I'm angry that I've been trying to start a family with my husband for almost 2 years and we've gotten nowhere. I don't understand why it has to cost so much for us to be parents. It doesn't matter if we do IF treatments or if we go to adopt, the cost is going to be ridiculous. I am so resentful of the people who *accidentally* get pregnant or that get pregnant on purpose to collect more money from the government. I don't understand why love and desire aren't enough. I'm mad at myself because I'm not pinching and scraping every penny together to get enough for an IUI. I want this more than anything, so WHY can't I get my ass into shape and do the work I need to do?! Why can't I just have a nice date night with my husband around CD14 and bring home a baby 9 months later?

I'm so worried that this is going to be the pattern for years in the future. We'll start to save a little bit of money, and then something will come up and we'll have to start at square one. I'm worried that we're never going to be parents. I'm worried that the only time I'll hear the word "Mom" is when it's in reference to someone else.

I've never really had big dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or a corporate business woman. I always wanted to grow up and get married and have a family. I didn't think I was asking too much....

I don't really have a title for this post.

Welp, she showed up. (AF, that is.) I can’t say I’m surprised, and I’m a bit relieved (because I knew she was coming, and I was getting hormonally out of control!) It still sucks, though. As always, there was that TINY shred of hope in the back of my brain that said “stranger things have happened….” Oh well. The good news is that my last cycle was only around 36 days as opposed to my normal cycles that can go 90+ days.

As much as I probably should get it all out, I don’t really feel like talking about all that IF crap right now. I think I’m a little bit more down about it than I’m letting myself admit, and I’m not quite ready to let myself find that out yet.

Plus, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.

What I want to do is share my new found obsession with all things Harry Potter. I know, I’m a bit behind the times, but I’m head over heels with J.K. Rowling and her ridiculously creative mind. I just finished HP and the Deathly Hallows last night…. And I have to say that the entire series is just freakin brilliant! I LOVE how she doesn’t waste pages on describing scenery, but it’s so easy to imagine this fictional world anyway. I love how her characters are so 3D that you feel like they are real people. I love how I feel like I would know how they would react to certain situations. I love how even the most minor characters are given some sort of substance.

I have to admit… I did try to read them back in the day, but I couldn’t get into the first book, and didn’t try again until just recently. I’m glad I waited, though, until all of the books were written. I’m really not good with cliffhangers, and I will refuse to see a movie or read a series if it’s a “to be continued…” type of ending. I’m impatient (tying back in to the IF crap…..) By the end of the series, I found it really hard to believe that the series is classified as “young adult fiction” and not just “fiction.” I really could probably gush on and on and on about every little thing that I loved about it, but I won’t. Just read the books if you haven’t. They’re really good, and there’s something in them for everyone.

Anyway….. other than all that, there’s nothing too exciting going on in my world. I have a toddler gymnastics class with the Littles tonight, so that should be fun….. And I downloaded Jason Mraz’s current CD, and I LOVE IT!

Where I've been.

It’s been a hard few weeks, guys. I’ve been sick, my friend lost her great aunt and grandma within a week of each other (which means I was doing my friend-ly duty and cooking/babysitting/being generally supportive) and now my little 2 year old niece is in the hospital due to dehydration. She’s been there since Sunday afternoon, and they’re thinking she’ll need to stay at least another night.

I think I might be starting to get what the Littles have (some sort of stomach flu) but I’ve already called off of work sick 5 times since the first of the year. Also, my boobs hurt sooooo badly, and I’m an emotional train wreck, and I thought AF was coming yesterday when I saw the tiniest bit of spotting, but she was really just kidding. I haven’t temped at all this month, so I have no idea if I Oed at all. Plus, even if I did, I’ve been sick and busy and it’s been a bad month, so I can guarantee that there will be no BFP this month. OH and I've been really bad about taking my Metformin, so I have no idea what my ovaries are saying. I'll post more about that later.

On the bright side, I’ve had some quality time with some of the babies in my life! It feels so good to be able to cuddle a little one. I guess, sometimes, it doesn’t really matter if I gave birth or not, I just love babies! Of course, I still REALLY want to have my own, but it’s nice to have a “substitute” every once in a while.

Another good thing- I had a Pampered Chef party on Friday that went well. I had a mix of old friends, new friends, and family at my house. I love it when people come to my house. The closest I live to any of my family is a 30 minute drive. Most of my friends live at least that far away. I think that makes it so much better when anyone comes out to see me. Also, I’m a semi-hermit (unless shopping is involved, I really don’t like to leave my house.) so I’m most comfortable when people come to me. I don’t have the biggest or nicest/best decorated house, but I love to have it filled!

And for the random closer…. Idol is on tonight! YAY! I hope this season is better than last. I was pretty much bored for most of it. There are several on this year that I really like, so I’m pumped!

options and decisions

Thank you all for your advice and support. I understand this isn’t the end of the world, it just threw a great big wrench in my plans, and I’m still trying to work out where to go from here….

The Hubs and I have not had a chance to sit down and actually talk about this yet. I think we’re both kind of afraid of having that conversation….. it can go so many different ways!

Option 1: we save up money and wait until we have enough to do an IUI. Neither of us is very good at saving, despite our best efforts. Pros: We won’t be going into debt, so that will be one less thing to worry about. Cons: This could take a very long time, and if the first one doesn’t take, we’ll have to do it again, which means we’ll have to take that time to save up for another round, and that means waiting some more. I’m not good at waiting, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now…

Option 2: We look into a payment plan with the RE’s office. Pros: We get to go ahead with IUI sooner rather than later. Cons: The chances of the Hubs going for this are slim. He doesn’t really like owing people money.

Option 3: We look into getting another credit card. This is probably not going to happen for the same reason as number 2. Also, interest sucks.

Option 4: I work out like a madwoman and actually stick to a diet, and we hope and pray that I start ovulating again and we can do this the old fashioned way. Pros: I’ll get skinny and healthy. (this is a big pro that I’m working on anyway) Cons: Again with the waiting and trying. Plus, who knows if/when I’ll ever ovulate on my own. I haven’t ovulated without being medically treated since about 3 years ago.

Option 5: We scrap the whole IF treatment thing and look into adoption. Pros: This was my original plan. I had always felt that if I wasn’t able to get pregnant on my own, it would mean that God was trying to tell me that I needed to adopt. (and really, who could have predicted this? My mom had 6 kids, and my sister got knocked up on accident. Twice. Once with twins. Because her ovaries got really excited and spit out 2 eggs.) Also, I would be raising a child that, otherwise, might not have love in his/her life.
Cons: Adoption is expensive. It can be really involved and take a really long time to get an infant. Also, I’ve tossed the idea up in the air a few times, and the Hubs isn’t 100% on board with it. There are many reasons, and none that are baseless.

The one option that is completely out of the question for me is the one where we choose to live childless. I know I won’t be able to handle that. It would absolutely kill me to never have a little voice call me “Mommy.” I’m not strong enough to struggle with this for 5 or 10 or more years before finally having a child. I’ve been praying so hard about this for so long, and I still don’t have an answer. I know which direction I’m leaning toward, but I’m only slightly leaning that way. How do I know what is the best way to go? How will I know if I've made the right decision? More importantly, what will happen if the Hubs and I can't come to a decision we're both at peace with?

You know what they say about people who ASSUME…..

I finally got around to calling my insurance provider to find out about what fertility treatments would be covered. Silly me, I figured that, since my RE was covered in their plan, they would cover some type of treatments.

They don’t. The only thing they only thing they cover is getting diagnosed. Isn’t that nice of them? I kind of feel like I was dropped in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes on my back, and told that it was up to me to figure out how to get back home.

I’m really not sure what to do with this. I guess The Hubs and I are going to have to have (yet another) serious talk.

Dammit.

Kind of all over the place

I don’t have anything profound to share with the class. I have failed at ICLW. I was so sick and achy all weekend that I really didn’t feel like sitting in front of my computer. I’m sorry. I really thought I’d be able to do it this month…

I did, however, watch Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium [http://www.magorium.com/] yesterday. (I called off of work because I was miserable.) This movie was SO good… and the casting was amazing. Dustin Hoffman! Natalie Portman! Jason Bateman! Why wasn’t this movie a hit? I’m pretty sure it was being targeted to the wrong audience.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes:

“37 seconds”“Great. Well done. Now, we wait.”“No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds well used is a lifetime.”

Have you seen this? If not, go rent it. You’ll love it. Don’t expect it to be all light and fluffy, though, because it’s not. It’s heartwarming and uplifting, but there’s some definite depth to it. Stop back here after you’ve watched it to let me know what you think.



I’m on CD 62. No signs of ovulation or AF. I’m wondering how long this stalemate with my ovaries will last. Obviously the Metformin isn’t working as well as I would have hoped.

I'm gonna miss this...

The song “You’re gonna miss this” by Trace Adkins makes me cry every. Single. Time. I listen to it. The lyrics are so true, and they really hit home… especially since I’m being so impatient with TTC. The Hubs and I are really trying to enjoy every day as it comes, and enjoy being relatively free to do whatever we want. I think all of us who are TTC, however, know how incredibly hard it is to do when everything inside of you is screaming to become a mom.

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She was staring out the window of their SUVComplaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
And she keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me. I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"

Waiting....

We’re going to wait to start IUI stuff until March. The Hubs read somewhere that it can take up to 6 months for metformin to help with ovulation, so we’re going to wait until then.

I hate being in this place. I hate being stuck, knowing that I can’t really move on with my life because of “what if?” (ie. If I get a new job, we’ll be without medical coverage and I probably won’t get maternity leave. At the same time, I think it’s really time for me to move on from this place. I need a job that will keep me mentally engaged throughout the day. This is not that job.)

I’m just kinda all over the place right now. I'm repeating myself, but I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, and that there are other people out there who have it worse than me. I know that I’m being a terrible person when I say that I don’t WANT to be that couple who waits and tries for 5 or more years before FINALLY getting a miracle pregnancy. At the same time, I really need to be able to move on from here. I think I could handle failed IUIs or a miscarriage better than I can handle “waiting it out.” I need to know that I’m going in a direction, one way or the other.

I’m just SO SICK of waiting……

And I thought I was doing so well, too....

So my company is starting this new thing where they are offering free health assessments to employees. I had mine this morning, and I’m not too thrilled with the results. I thought I was doing well with the exercise (Ok, well maybe not lately) and the eating well, but my HDL is way low and my LDL is way high, and so is my BMI. So basically I found out that I’m not quite as healthy as I thought (and I didn’t really have any delusions- trust me.) AND They said that I’m only 61” tall. WHAT? Where did that extra inch go?! I’m starting to doubt the trustworthiness of these people. At least they were nice!

Last night we found out that a couple in our Sunday School class is pregnant. They’re really sweet, so I’m excited for them… but I’m kinda sad for me! Our Sunday school class was 1 of the 2 groups of people I hang out with who had no parents/pregnant ladies involved. It was nice to go there, because there was no talk of babies or kids or parenting- and now that whole dynamic is changing.

And, I mean, really? When will it be my turn? I’ve been doing so well with trying to enjoy the life I have now, but Christmas makes it so much harder. It’s like a double edged sword. I like to go to Christmas events because I like to see the wonder and awe and innocence that children bring to it all, but then it gets to a point where there are children everywhere, and my arms start to ache and it starts to get to be to painful to be around them. I know things happen when they’re supposed to, but I’m not getting any younger here!

Jon&Kate&IF&Us

I know, right? You’re thinking 3 posts in 3 days?! It has to be some sort of miracle! Honestly, I think I just had to admit to myself and to the world that I’m in a rut, and then the floodgates of communication opened up. Amazing how that happens….




You know that commercial on TLC where it’s Jon and Kate and they’re holding hands and they look up and smile at each other? Why does it affect me so much? I bawl like a baby every time I see it, and it makes the Hubs laugh. I know I’m not the only one…. I’ve read your blogs. I know you cry too! What is it about that commercial, though? I mean, I know it was all staged, but it just looked like we stepped in to a real, perfect moment, right? I usually fast forward through commercials ( DVR is the world’s best invention- aside from indoor plumbing) but this one I stop and watch every time!




I just love them, and I love their kids, and I love how they’re just so real with each other all the time. I think, too, that I love how they struggled with infertility. I wouldn’t wish IF on anyone, but it makes me have hope that we can get to the other side of this struggle. (Hopefully not with 8 kids, but whatever it takes, I guess.)




What amazing episodes that have had lately, too! San Diego! HAWAII!!! How amazing and beautiful! (I’ve always dreamed of going to Hawaii. I actually cry when I see pictures of it, because I have no idea when/if I’ll ever make it there. I was watching Jon & Kate +8 with the Hubs and said “I WILL make it there before I die.” My Husband, who never wants to put us in unnecessary debt - and a vacation is always seen as unnecessary debt - said “I will get you there someday. We might be 70, and I might have to put us in debt up to our eyeballs, but I WILL get you there.” ::sigh:)




I’m so glad that they always mention how grateful they are to have the opportunities that they are given because of the show. I know they probably sit back every once in a while and say “I have no idea how we would be able to survive if it weren’t for the show.” I mean, can you imagine?! I know from seeing my sister raise twins that multiple infants/ toddlers are expensive. Can you imagine 6 of them?! I just have no idea how anyone could handle that. I’m sure they see it as a prayer answered x 100.




Wow, that was a lot of rambling about a TV show, huh? As far as our IF struggle is going…. I’m now up to 1500mg of Met, but I’m not really losing any weight. I haven’t been able to get out and exercise much, though, so that might be part of it. I’m not sure if I ovulated this month. I had a temp shift (but I slacked one weekend and didn’t temp- of course that’s when I should have seen the shift) but I didn’t have any cm, and fertility friend didn’t mention anything about an O…. however, I started spotting this morning, so that’s a good sign (I’ve been sick most of the month, so I was 100% sure that I wasn’t pregnant. AF would mean that the met is working, right?! I mean, how do you really know that it’s working?) We can’t really afford any treatments until after the holidays, so I’m going to call after the first of the year to get in for a consultation with the RE, so that the Hubs knows what he’s getting into when he agrees to do IUI…. I guess we’ll go from there!




I want to thank everyone who responded to my last couple of posts….especially the one where I mentioned our rut. Those responses really helped me get my mind going in the right direction. I missed you all, too!

Please read

I found this story by going through a number of channels. While I have never had a miscarriage, most of the things in this post couldn't be more relevant to my life. Please take a minute (or 5 or so.. it's a bit long) to read GiBee's story.

Thanks.

And so it goes...

Yesterday was my big appointment with the RE. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but OH MY GOODNESS did I get whole lot of info in a short time! Yesterday was my big appointment with the RE. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but OH MY GOODNESS did I get whole lot of info in a short time!



This Dr was very highly recommended by some of my favorite local ladies, so I was excited to finally meet him. I have to say, he was pretty great. I’m all about the no-nonsense-get- this- show- on- the- road approach, and, apparently, so is he. Yesterday just so happened to be CD2, so I was swept up in a whirlwind of poking and prodding and blood taking and also an unexpected date with the vag cam. Those are always fun, right?



After all was said and, um, done, I left with a whole bunch of stuff swimming in my head, and I needed some time to sort it out. It comes down to this: He doesn’t think that I have PCOS after all. I know, right?! I think he pretty much based his decision on the fact that I don’t have a ton of excess hair all over the place- because he asked like 4 times. He thinks I’m just anovulatory. That’s nice of him.



SO! Today I start 100mg of Clomid (if the side effects of 50mg were bad, I’m really afraid to see what happens with this stuff.) I go back on Monday for a SHG (on my lunch break. I know you’re jealous.) and then I go back AGAIN on Friday for a mid-cycle check up. THEN they’re going to give me an HCG trigger- and THEN the Hubs and I get to “do it”- and THEN I get to go back the next day for a post-coital exam. Getting knocked up is so romantic, isn’t it?



********************


In other news, I have a copy of Twilight sitting on my desk just waiting for me to start reading. I’ve been wanting to read this for MONTHS to see what all of the hype is about, so I kinda wish I could leave “sick” and go home to read it. I was told that this book was going to “make my life inconvenient.” I haven’t even opened it yet, and already my life is “inconvenient!” HA!

So I did it.....

I broke down yesterday and called to make an appointment with a highly recommended RE (reproductive endocrinologist). My temps have been all over the board, so I know that this cycle isn't working. FF (fertility Friend) says that I MAY HAVE ovulated a few days ago.... if so, then I definitly missed the boat. I don't think I did, though. I have no idea what to expect, and I'm a little nervous. Maybe I had myself convinced that it wasn't going to come to this? I'm glad I'm taking this step, though.



My appointment is Tuesday, Sept 16. Wish me luck.