In Which I am a Hypocrite.

I have to start this post off by saying that I am overweight. I know I am. It sucks, and I’m pretty much failing at eating healthier (although, I do try!) Losing weight is not easy- especially when, up until about 4 years ago, I was technically underweight. I was actually one of those annoying people who could eat whatever the heck I wanted to and still not gain anything. I mean, I still had thunder thighs, but that’s just genetics. But seriously, I barely broke 100lbs until after I met my husband. (At first it was “happy weight”, and then it got out of control when the PCOS took over.)

ANYWAY- this post is not about me.

Over the weekend, I went to my old high school to watch my baby sister’s stage debut in their spring musical. It was cute. I hate going to see music related stuff there, though, because they have THE WORST vocal director I have ever met in my life, and so I always see so much wasted potential. And then I get distracted by imagining all the ways to get this chick fired………. Aaaaaand I’m off topic again.

Before the show, we stopped in to ACME to pick up some flowers for Baby Sister. On the way in, we passed a mother and her daughter. This girl couldn’t be any older than 8, but I bet she was 180lb easily. It made me so sad, because obviously this girl never got a chance. (The mom was way heavier- 380 is a lowball estimation.) This poor little girl is probably fed only processed foods that are high in sugar, refined carbs, and fat. How is she supposed to grow up and be healthy when she doesn’t know any better? It made me think back to the days when I worked in a clothing store, and mothers would bring in their children who were in grade school to shop in the plus size section. I would always get so so sad for those girls, because I know how cruel their peers can be. Kids can be really mean to each other.

So I was thinking about that when I sat down to watch the show. At some point, I noticed the actors on stage were mostly overweight. Why is this? Why is it that so many teenagers now are overweight or obese? I thought back to my HS class. Honestly, I couldn’t remember too many of us being bigger. Is it because there is more fast food around? I doubt it, because my friends and I ate Wendy’s at LEAST once a day. Is it because they aren’t as active? Maybe that’s part of it. Is it because the economy is in the crapper, and healthy food is expensive? That’s probably part of it, too….

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser, or because my company has hired a fitness/nutrition guru to do seminars, or because I’ve been doing my own research to try and get my PCOS under control, but I’ve been really noticing all of this lately, and it really bugs me.

Any thoughts?

Natural Woman

Every once in a while I will have someone suggest to me that I look into “natural” treatments for my PCOS. (Natural as in herbal or holistic.) I usually say something about how I’ll look into it, and then I don’t. Since our insurance won’t pay for IUI, though, (and it’s the next step according to the RE,) I figure now is as good of a time as any to look into something a little different. (Also, when I think about it, pumping my body full of MORE chemicals doesn’t seem like such a great idea….. )

Here’s the thing, though… I don’t have a clue of where to start in this area. I’ve always been known as a “walking pharmacy.” I’ve never really questioned the drugs, just did as my good Dr. said. If there’s anyone out there in Bloggy World who can point me in the right direction (or, hell, even ANY direction) I’d love the advice!

PCOS sucks

I posted this on my local message board last night. It helped, but something kept bugging me to re-post it here. Some of it I’ve talked about before, and some of it I haven’t. It’s not anything deep or life changing, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out.

Warning: This is going to be long and whiny and exactly how I'm feeling right now.

I'm pissed off at the world. I'm angry that I keep gaining weight, my face is broken out like a teenager, the hair on top of my head is thinning, and my already embarrassing facial hair (due to being an Italian) is getting worse (because of PCOS). I feel like PCOS has taken over my entire identity. I don't recognize my body anymore. I'm self-conscious and it's hurting my marriage. I'm sure there is nothing sexier to a man than being with a woman who feels fat and ugly all the time. I hate that I have to choose between taking Metformin for my PCOS and Zoloft for my depression caused by my PCOS. I can't take them both at the same time if I want to keep my food down.

My husband doesn't get it. He tries, but he just doesn't. I'm out of words and I have no idea what to say or how to get him to understand how hard this is on me. I know that, in turn, it is just as hard on him, and it's such a vicious cycle that I have no idea which way is up.

I'm angry at myself because I can't seem to get healthy. I know I need to eat healthier, but the food is expensive, and I have such a hard time preparing it. Most of the "healthy" recipes that I've found and want to try have many ingredients in them that Paul doesn't like, and it's hard to work up the energy to cook 2 different meals. I need someone around who will encourage me without saying "don't eat that- it's not healthy" or "I'll believe it when I see it." I need someone who can lead by example without being the kind of person to get on a soap box expounding on the evils of processed food. I've never had to worry about what I put in my mouth before I got married (which is coincidentally when I got diagnosed with PCOS) and I'm sick and tired of trying so hard and then falling flat on my face.

I'm angry that I've been trying to start a family with my husband for almost 2 years and we've gotten nowhere. I don't understand why it has to cost so much for us to be parents. It doesn't matter if we do IF treatments or if we go to adopt, the cost is going to be ridiculous. I am so resentful of the people who *accidentally* get pregnant or that get pregnant on purpose to collect more money from the government. I don't understand why love and desire aren't enough. I'm mad at myself because I'm not pinching and scraping every penny together to get enough for an IUI. I want this more than anything, so WHY can't I get my ass into shape and do the work I need to do?! Why can't I just have a nice date night with my husband around CD14 and bring home a baby 9 months later?

I'm so worried that this is going to be the pattern for years in the future. We'll start to save a little bit of money, and then something will come up and we'll have to start at square one. I'm worried that we're never going to be parents. I'm worried that the only time I'll hear the word "Mom" is when it's in reference to someone else.

I've never really had big dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or a corporate business woman. I always wanted to grow up and get married and have a family. I didn't think I was asking too much....

If I didn't know any better...

Honestly, if I had ovulated since ummm February, I’d think I was pregnant. Since I haven’t ovulated in MONTHS, though, I know I’m not, and all this crap going on with my body is freaking annoying! Wanna know what I’m whining about?



First, smells are SOOOOO potent right now. And my gag reflex is up. Way up. Never in my life have I actually gagged at smells…. Now I dry heave. In public. I know, gross, right?



Also, I’ve been eating like crazy… and not good stuff. Yesterday morning we went out to breakfast. I had french toast AND biscuits and sausage gravy. I ate it all. In like 10 minutes. I don’t think I ate for the rest of the day, but still! I’ve been eating like that for a week now! At least! Actually, I probably could have lived off of hamburgers for a week, because that’s the only thing that has sounded good to me, even though I’ve eaten everything else in sight.



AND! I look pregnant! Honestly, I was looking at my silhouette in the mirror yesterday, and if I totally could tell people I was preggers and they’d believe me. My tummy has never been small, and it’s probably because of all of the CRAP that I’ve been eating, but GEEZ! I could be 6 months along!



I’ve been having a REALLY hard time falling asleep and staying that way at night, and then, of course, I have a really hard time waking up in the morning and, you know, functioning and stuff. And the dreams that I’ve been having? SO strange!



The Hubs, poor guy, keeps asking “Are you SURE? Should we get a test?” and every time I explain to him that “no, it’s not possible, I haven’t had an egg ready to be fertilized since the cold cold winter months AND have been given pregnancy tests since then”, I think he dies a little. Poor guy. (I’m pretty sure the punctuation in that sentence is ALL wrong, but whatever.)



Tomorrow is the rescheduled SA. The Hubs is pretty psyched for it, and has no doubts that it will be smooth sailing. Wish us luck!

The one where I cry a little.

It doesn’t get any easier, does it? For over a year now, the Hubbs and I have been trying to make a baby. It was exciting at first. Then it got to be not so exciting. Then I started to get a dull ache when looking at a pregnant woman or someone with a squishy sweet infant (or motor mouth toddler, or over active child…. You get the picture.) Then, for a while, especially during my 104 day cycle, I couldn’t even look at them without wanting to scream in frustration. I thought it would go on like that until I got myself good and knocked up. Then I hit the one year mark.



Last month was the “official” one year mark of trying. With my PCOS, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it would take a while to get pregnant. I had prepared myself for the disappointment and the heartache that I knew was to come. I told myself to accept it as a fact and move on. I don’t know what changed last month, and I’m not sure I can put it into words, but it’s more than an ache that I feel. Resignation, maybe? Hopelessness? It’s not really a physical pain anymore like it used to be…. I feel broken. I feel like part of me is just missing. Hollow and empty and lonely….but not quite.



I’m tired of charting, but I almost don’t have a choice. I need to know if I’m ovulating or not… especially with my history of long, anovulatory cycles. Since I refuse to test unless it hits 18 dpo and Good Ol’ Aunt Flo is nowhere in sight, I’m stuck. It’s just too hard to see a negative. Also, HPTs get expensive.



I’ve been seeing a lot of signs and commercials and fliers for adoption and foster care. Is it a sign? Does it mean that I’m not ever going to get pregnant, so I should give up trying and look in to adopting? I said before that I’m not going to get into IUI or IVF cycles. They just aren’t for me…. Mostly because I’m not going to stick myself with needles unless I absolutely HAVE to, plus there’s a million kids out there who need loving homes, and I can provide one. I want to adopt, but I also want to have biological children. I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to do both. I want it all. Is it too much to ask if I ask for everything?



So I spent as much time as possible with the Littles. When they were born, I finally understood how people can say that they would die for someone else. Mackenzie calls me Mom. Or Aunt Mom. She’ll say Aunt Em (or Emmy) or Aunt Meg, but when she sees me, it’s always Mom or Aunt Mom. Recently she’s been correcting people who call me Aunt Jill. She says “No, Aunt Mom.” OK, Little… whatever floats your boat! They make my life a little bit easier and a little bit lighter. They are how I know I could love someone unconditionally, even if I don’t give birth to them. They are my hope.



For any of you out there who have struggled or are struggling with infertility, or difficulty getting pregnant.... what is your hope? What is your little piece of light that makes the hurt not so bad? I really want to know.

Am I infertile?

SO I was thinking about this last night, and I'm not sure! I've been trying for 12 months with no luck. I've been diagnosed with PCOS (read this post if you're not sure what I'm talking about.) Out of the last 12 months, I've only ovulated 3 times, and 2 of those were assisted by Clomid. BUT we haven't been to an RE, and the Hubbs has yet to have a sperm analysis.



See, the thing is, I guess I kinda lumped myself in with the infertiles around 6 months of trying because of my PCOS, but now I'm second guessing. There are people out there who have been trying for YEARS to get pregnant and have taken steps to get that way. I haven't thought about IUI or IVF (and I won't, since we long ago made the decision to adopt if we couldn't do it "the old fashioned way".... but I TOTALLY support anyone who decides to go that direction.) and I haven't looked into surrogacy or adoption. I'm not really ready to go in any of those directions. Maybe I'm just a lazy infertile? Maybe I'm really a fertiles with illusions of infertility?



Here's my question to you: What makes a person qualify as "infertile?" Is there a time limit that you have to wait until you hit that status? Do you have to be diagnosed with something (ie, PCOS, endo, Male Factor...?)

Unexplained infertility

This weekend I learned that an acquaintance of mine and her husband had been diagnosed as "infertile as a couple." Her RE has done every test imaginable, but can't seem to find a reason why they can't seem to conceive. I can't help but think that this is the worst possible type of infertility. If they don't know what's wrong, they can't fix it.
At least with PCOS (I was diagnosed in Nov 06 with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) there are steps that can be taken to get me pregnant (hopefully) in spite of my diagnosis. I've already had 2 rounds of Clomid with no results. There are other treatments, though, that will help me to ovulate.



This particular couple adopted a BEAUTIFUL little girl from overseas, but they haven't given up hope of someday having a biological child. Paul and I discussed adoption before we ever got married, and before we even had any clue that we were going to have problems getting pregnant. (My mother had 6 children, and my sister had twins as the result of an "unplanned" pregnancy. I come from fertiles.... what would make me think that I wouldn't be able to have children? ) We both decided that, if I wasn't able to get pregnant, we would definitely look into adoption. When we started having problems, we visited the subject again. We would do the clomid, and possibly some other fertility meds, but we weren't going to go as far as IUI or IVF. After 2 failed rounds of Clomid, adoption is looking like more and more of a possibility.



I have always felt "called" to be an adoptive mother. I know that there is a child out there somewhere who doesn't have a home and needs me to provide them with love and support. I know that being an adoptive mother is something I can do to better the world in some small way. Knowing all of this doesn't make the idea any less scary (for lack of a better word.) I do want to adopt, but I ALSO can't imagine not being able to experience the miracle of pregnancy. I've always thought about the cute little ways I would announce my pregnancy to my husband and family. I've fantasized about feeling my baby move for the first time and how I would tell it stories in-vitro. I've imagined how I would look in maternity clothes, and I've saved some really cute dresses that will hug a pregnant belly in all the right ways to make it stand out. The idea that I might not ever have that experience frightens me every day.