dreams and reality

I had a dream about her last night. She was perfect and pink and wrinkly, and she had her daddy’s nose. Up until now, I’ve only ever dreamed about having boys. Even after I found out that she was a she. Strange, huh?

In my dream, I went into labor, and was in and out of the hospital within 2 hours. I never fed her until after she was 24 hours old, because it suddenly occurred to me that she probably needed to eat. So then I tried to breastfeed and realized that I had NO idea what I was doing, and she only wanted to eat from one side- wouldn’t have anything to do with the other.

When she was 2 days old, I brought her into work to show her off. I’m sorry- what?!

I can’t really remember the rest, because all I could think of was how stupid I was being…

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~I’m feeling pretty good right now. I’ve had pop up visits from my buddy Morning Sickness every now and then for the past week or so. Super fun.

~The GD still sucks. I’m on glyburide to control my fasting numbers, but they keep slowly creeping up. I’m probably going to have to increase my dosage after my visit next week. It would be really great if I could go more than a week with good numbers. Oh well, at least I can control the rest of my numbers with my diet *looking for some wood to knock on.*

~I’m looking forward to the holidays this year. I know I’ll have fun, but I keep thinking about next year. Next year, I’ll have a baby that I will dress up in her first Halloween costume. We’ll buy her first Christmas dress. I’ll get to play Santa for the first time. She’ll be 10 months old, so she might just be able to open a few presents (with a little bit of help from Mommy or Daddy.) I can imagine what it will all be like, but I know reality will be so much different…. I’m so excited to live it out!

Makes me Happy

Someone on my local message board asked us all to list things that make us happy- things that aren’t husband/child related. Writing the list made me happy, so I thought I’d post here. I even added more than what I told them. What a good way to start a day.


~Christmas Eve at my mom’s house.
~Cadbury Crème eggs
~Starbucks white chocolate mocha
~Having long, serious discussions on stupid topics
~Animals in general. Mostly baby ones.
~The ocean. Especially sitting out on the beach at night and staring into the blackness.
~Getting lost in a good book.
~New clothes.
~Spending time with my sisters.
~Christmas trees.
~Weddings.
~Standing outside on a silent winter night when tiny snowflakes are falling and look like glitter. It makes me feel like nothing could ever go wrong.
~Waking up somewhere new on a summer morning (like on vacation) and sitting outside enjoying the freedom that being away from home brings.
~Slow dancing (not so much with Paul, though. After almost 8 years, he still doesn’t know where to put his hands! Also, the height difference makes it difficult.)
~Going to the Park and feeding the ducks. Sometimes, they will completely surround you so that you are standing in a sea of them.
~Warm weather in December. (or Jan or Feb or anytime in the winter)
~ Having out of town relatives over and staying up late into the night talking about everything and nothing.
~Crawling into (or back into) my super comfy bed.
~Moments like this: This morning when I was driving in, I passed a field that was kind of overgrown. There was a small hill somewhere in the middle and a doe was standing completely still and looking toward the trees. There was fog on the ground, and the sun was just rising, so it hit in just the perfect place. I wanted to stop my car and stay in that moment for hours.

What makes you happy?

I'm alive!

There’s way too much to talk about, so I’m going to have to resort to the dreaded bullet points. (I have no idea why bullet points are so dreaded. Honestly, I don’t mind reading them. Maybe it’s something that actual writers have a problem with? I dunno.)


~ A couple of weeks ago, The Hubs and I took a much needed trip away. I had a family reunion in Gettysburg, PA, so we took a long weekend and pretended it was a vacation. It’s the first time we’ve been out of town (for pleasure) since our honeymoon 3 ½ years ago, and we have no idea when we’re going to be able to get away again, so this was it. We had a lot of fun, but it went by way too fast- and we didn’t get to see or do as much as we would have liked to. Hopefully we’ll be going back next year!

~ The play I’m in? It opens TONIGHT! EEK! I was super calm until this morning, when I realized that I’m actually going to be performing in front of PEOPLE! People that I know! What if I mess up? What if my baby steals my brain cells and I completely blank out in the middle of a sentence? (again.) Plus, I’m supposed to be kind of the comic relief of the show, so there’s no pressure there at all……. Wish me luck!

~ I’m so very very tired! I know pregnant women are supposed to keep active, but, until a couple of days ago, I had been going going going like the energizer bunny for WEEKS! I called off of work Wednesday, because my body did not want to move. At all. It took everything in my power to walk from the bedroom to the bathroom across the hall. I took that as a sign that I was overdoing it a little and called off of work. Of course, my dog decided that he was going to be really needy that day, so I wasn’t off of my feet as much as I would have liked, but, you know, whatever.

~ Went to the RE for my NT scan today. He said that all of the measurements look good, and I need to go back in about a week to discuss the results of the blood work part. I’m not worried, though. After that consultation, I will be released from them. I guess I should start looking for a regular OB now, huh? I’ve never had a regular OB/GYN before… kinda nervous to start shopping for one now! I have no idea what I’m even supposed to look for! Do I interview them (like in Knocked Up) or do I just go in for an appt and see if I like it? I’m really excited to be finally almost done with my first trimester, but I’m also really sad that I won’t be getting to take a peek inside my uterus every 2 weeks. It was really nice to have that reassurance, you know?

~ Last week was my 10 year high school reunion. CRAZY! Not too many people showed up. Out of a class of about 300, only 50 people came. Most of them were the people that I had expected to see anyway, so it wasn’t really all that surprising (thank you, facebook) but it’s really strange to say that I have been to my 10 year reunion! Time flies, huh? The best part? I got to sit around and talk about babies with the other pregnant/mommy people! I’m so glad I have this little nugget inside of me- otherwise I probably would have been hiding out in the ladies room all night.


I don’t really remember where I was going with this, so I’ll end it here. I haven’t had time really to catch up with too many people. How are you all doing??

Jon and Kate break my heart.

First of all, I want to say at HUGE thank you to everyone who as commented and emailed me this past week. The blogging community is an amazing thing, and I thank God all the time that all of you are out there. Also, I want to clarify something- I don’t think it was a bad thing that the church acknowledged the mom’s on Mother’s Day. I know the being a mom is probably the hardest thing I will (hopefully) ever have to do, and I think all mothers deserve a round of applause (and maybe a keychain, I guess.)

While I am a huge media whore, sometimes I REALLY hate how they sensationalize everything. Right now, I’m talking about Jon and Kate Gosselin. In case you’ve been living under a rock, you know that there are rumors going around that Jon has cheated on Kate. And then there were some rumors that Kate cheated on him with her bodyguard. And some people are saying that their marriage has been over for a long time, and it’s all just a ruse for the cameras. I say that this all makes me sick.

I think what everyone is forgetting is that there are CHILDREN involved! I saw an interview with Kate on Larry King (I think) and she said that the kids weren’t being impacted by all of this.

I call a great big BS on that junk.

Look, the twins are 9. Small private school or not, they are going to hear about all this crap going on in the media. Not only are they going to hear about it now, but it’s going to follow them for the rest of their lives! This stuff is in print. It’s not going to just disappear. Someone needs to take responsibility here and stop instigating the media circus around this family. The kids didn’t ask for any of this, and it’s so unfair to have them pay for the actions the adults in their lives have chosen to take.

That’s all I have to say about that.

In Which I am a Hypocrite.

I have to start this post off by saying that I am overweight. I know I am. It sucks, and I’m pretty much failing at eating healthier (although, I do try!) Losing weight is not easy- especially when, up until about 4 years ago, I was technically underweight. I was actually one of those annoying people who could eat whatever the heck I wanted to and still not gain anything. I mean, I still had thunder thighs, but that’s just genetics. But seriously, I barely broke 100lbs until after I met my husband. (At first it was “happy weight”, and then it got out of control when the PCOS took over.)

ANYWAY- this post is not about me.

Over the weekend, I went to my old high school to watch my baby sister’s stage debut in their spring musical. It was cute. I hate going to see music related stuff there, though, because they have THE WORST vocal director I have ever met in my life, and so I always see so much wasted potential. And then I get distracted by imagining all the ways to get this chick fired………. Aaaaaand I’m off topic again.

Before the show, we stopped in to ACME to pick up some flowers for Baby Sister. On the way in, we passed a mother and her daughter. This girl couldn’t be any older than 8, but I bet she was 180lb easily. It made me so sad, because obviously this girl never got a chance. (The mom was way heavier- 380 is a lowball estimation.) This poor little girl is probably fed only processed foods that are high in sugar, refined carbs, and fat. How is she supposed to grow up and be healthy when she doesn’t know any better? It made me think back to the days when I worked in a clothing store, and mothers would bring in their children who were in grade school to shop in the plus size section. I would always get so so sad for those girls, because I know how cruel their peers can be. Kids can be really mean to each other.

So I was thinking about that when I sat down to watch the show. At some point, I noticed the actors on stage were mostly overweight. Why is this? Why is it that so many teenagers now are overweight or obese? I thought back to my HS class. Honestly, I couldn’t remember too many of us being bigger. Is it because there is more fast food around? I doubt it, because my friends and I ate Wendy’s at LEAST once a day. Is it because they aren’t as active? Maybe that’s part of it. Is it because the economy is in the crapper, and healthy food is expensive? That’s probably part of it, too….

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser, or because my company has hired a fitness/nutrition guru to do seminars, or because I’ve been doing my own research to try and get my PCOS under control, but I’ve been really noticing all of this lately, and it really bugs me.

Any thoughts?

Helpless.

A few months back, my mom and I took a road trip to see my cousins in Missouri. The second night there, we stayed up late, talking. (We usually end up doing this at least once every time any of us visit. It’s my favorite part.) While we were talking, I realized just how much had happened to us all in the past years. My cousin (who is also the oldest of his siblings) and I realized that, for the most part, things have been happening to the people around us more than to us. We are the observers. We get to watch our family members go through the hardest battles they’ve ever had to fight.

He had to watch his sister miscarry while his wife was pregnant. He had to watch as his brother got into a motorcycle accident, was in a coma for 3 months, and is still (7 years later) slowly recovering. He had to watch his mother battle lung cancer and lose.

I had to watch my sister recover from a rape and find out she was pregnant. As soon as she started getting used to the idea, and even starting to welcome it, she lost the baby. I had to watch that same, unmarried, sister find out years later that she was accidentally pregnant with twins. I had to watch my mother deal with losing her sister and best friend, only a few short years after losing her mother. I have to watch my parents support 2+ families on one income. I had to watch my brother lose 2 people he was close to in a matter of months. I had to watch my baby brother learn how to navigate high school with Asperger’s Syndrome….

Sometimes I wonder where I get off complaining about IF and PCOS. I look at what my family has been through, and I realize that I got off easy (so far). Sometimes, though, I wonder if it’s maybe harder to have to stand back and watch the people I love suffer so much. Is it maybe a form of survivor’s guilt?

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I have a few prayer requests today as well:

~ My brother found out this weekend that he lost his friend to cancer. He was 26. His family had to have him cremated, because they couldn’t afford to do anything else. Please pray that God will give them strength to get through this terrible time.

~ A friend of mine went to an u/s today to find out that her baby stopped growing 2 weeks ago, at 6 weeks. She and her husband have been trying for so long to have a child, and they’ve already had to deal with a miscarriage previously.

~ The Hubs and I have some friends from church who are going through a hard time right now as well. They have had to deal with the loss of a grandmother on both sides of the family within the past month. Please pray that they will be able to find strength and comfort in each other.

Thank you.

giveaway!

Pooba is having a contest to give away some super cute aprons! The contest is to help raise money for her sister in law's mother's cancer treatments. Hop on over and enter!

A Beautiful Mess

So… umm… I slept in again. I have no idea why I keep forgetting to set my alarm at night, but this is the second time, in as many weeks, that it has happened. Is my subconscious telling me that I need to stay home and get some R&R? Maybe. Maybe I should listen to it………

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I’m going to do another “cop out” and post the lyrics of Jason Mraz’s song “A Beautiful Mess.” That’s kind of where my mind is right now:

A Beautiful Mess lyrics

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
and Based on your body language,
and shotty cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you are biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words, I'm paraphrasing, this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is the life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt, oh dear
Cause here we are, here we are


Here we are [x7]
We're still here

what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.


and through timeless words and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts

but it's nice today
Oh, the wait was so worth it.

I don't really have a title for this post.

Welp, she showed up. (AF, that is.) I can’t say I’m surprised, and I’m a bit relieved (because I knew she was coming, and I was getting hormonally out of control!) It still sucks, though. As always, there was that TINY shred of hope in the back of my brain that said “stranger things have happened….” Oh well. The good news is that my last cycle was only around 36 days as opposed to my normal cycles that can go 90+ days.

As much as I probably should get it all out, I don’t really feel like talking about all that IF crap right now. I think I’m a little bit more down about it than I’m letting myself admit, and I’m not quite ready to let myself find that out yet.

Plus, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.

What I want to do is share my new found obsession with all things Harry Potter. I know, I’m a bit behind the times, but I’m head over heels with J.K. Rowling and her ridiculously creative mind. I just finished HP and the Deathly Hallows last night…. And I have to say that the entire series is just freakin brilliant! I LOVE how she doesn’t waste pages on describing scenery, but it’s so easy to imagine this fictional world anyway. I love how her characters are so 3D that you feel like they are real people. I love how I feel like I would know how they would react to certain situations. I love how even the most minor characters are given some sort of substance.

I have to admit… I did try to read them back in the day, but I couldn’t get into the first book, and didn’t try again until just recently. I’m glad I waited, though, until all of the books were written. I’m really not good with cliffhangers, and I will refuse to see a movie or read a series if it’s a “to be continued…” type of ending. I’m impatient (tying back in to the IF crap…..) By the end of the series, I found it really hard to believe that the series is classified as “young adult fiction” and not just “fiction.” I really could probably gush on and on and on about every little thing that I loved about it, but I won’t. Just read the books if you haven’t. They’re really good, and there’s something in them for everyone.

Anyway….. other than all that, there’s nothing too exciting going on in my world. I have a toddler gymnastics class with the Littles tonight, so that should be fun….. And I downloaded Jason Mraz’s current CD, and I LOVE IT!

I need a time out

Let’s talk about my boobs. And how they hurt. A LOT. And they’ve hurt for about a week and a half now. And I peed on a stick (took a home pregnancy test) on Saturday morning which resulted in a big fat negative (BFN) like I knew it would. I thought it would be an open initiation for AF (Aunt Flo) to come for a visit, but the biatch is still messing with me and doesn’t want to show up. Also, I’m an emotional wreck and I can’t think clearly (unless it’s about my recent Harry Potter obsession, of course!) and I’m really freakin tired! I’ve been really sulky and crabby and edgy for a week now, and I know my husband is getting REALLY sick of it….. and guess what?! So am I! (I almost threw a temper tantrum ala my 2 year old self because he didn’t stop to get me a shamrock shake at the exact moment I wanted him to.) (Those things must have crack or something in them. I think all of McDonald’s food has some kind of addictive substance in it. No joke.) (Can you believe I haven’t ever had a shamrock shake until this year? I’ve had 2 in the last week and I just can’t get enough of them!)

Also, Spring is starting to show itself. YAY! It was 60 and clear yesterday and today is supposed to be the same today. Let’s hope the Gray Season in Ohio is over!

Where I've been.

It’s been a hard few weeks, guys. I’ve been sick, my friend lost her great aunt and grandma within a week of each other (which means I was doing my friend-ly duty and cooking/babysitting/being generally supportive) and now my little 2 year old niece is in the hospital due to dehydration. She’s been there since Sunday afternoon, and they’re thinking she’ll need to stay at least another night.

I think I might be starting to get what the Littles have (some sort of stomach flu) but I’ve already called off of work sick 5 times since the first of the year. Also, my boobs hurt sooooo badly, and I’m an emotional train wreck, and I thought AF was coming yesterday when I saw the tiniest bit of spotting, but she was really just kidding. I haven’t temped at all this month, so I have no idea if I Oed at all. Plus, even if I did, I’ve been sick and busy and it’s been a bad month, so I can guarantee that there will be no BFP this month. OH and I've been really bad about taking my Metformin, so I have no idea what my ovaries are saying. I'll post more about that later.

On the bright side, I’ve had some quality time with some of the babies in my life! It feels so good to be able to cuddle a little one. I guess, sometimes, it doesn’t really matter if I gave birth or not, I just love babies! Of course, I still REALLY want to have my own, but it’s nice to have a “substitute” every once in a while.

Another good thing- I had a Pampered Chef party on Friday that went well. I had a mix of old friends, new friends, and family at my house. I love it when people come to my house. The closest I live to any of my family is a 30 minute drive. Most of my friends live at least that far away. I think that makes it so much better when anyone comes out to see me. Also, I’m a semi-hermit (unless shopping is involved, I really don’t like to leave my house.) so I’m most comfortable when people come to me. I don’t have the biggest or nicest/best decorated house, but I love to have it filled!

And for the random closer…. Idol is on tonight! YAY! I hope this season is better than last. I was pretty much bored for most of it. There are several on this year that I really like, so I’m pumped!

Sometimes I wish I was Amish

I’m greedy. I have champagne taste on a beer budget, as my mom would say. I love watching home improvement shows and reading up on the latest fashion trends. I drool over designer handbags when I go to Macy’s.

What do I do for fun? I go to jewelry stores and try on tons of ridiculously priced pieces of perfection, and then leave, pretending that I’m just not finding what I’m looking for. I go to the mall and try on name brand dresses and trendy clothes just to see what it would look like if I had the money for such things. When we were house hunting, I spent as much time looking at houses that were way out of my price range as I did looking at some that I could afford…

Have you ever noticed that the happiest people are the ones who have nothing? They delight in the simplest things. They find their happiness in each other. They entertain themselves by simply being together- not by sitting next to each other and zeroing in on a movie or television show (which the Hubs and I do frequently- because LOVE TV), or by playing video games, or by doing any of the millions of activities that we do “together” but not.

Sometimes I wish I was Amish. I would have my community for fellowship and entertainment, my faith for guidance, and no distractions from what is truly important.

Then again, I’d have to work REALLY hard, my hygiene would be lacking, and I’d probably have to marry my cousin/brother/uncle as there would be no other options…….

25 things

In honor of ICLW, I'm posting this random meme that I did on facebook. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to post right now... I've been kinda short on time this week....

1.I'm not really sure that there are 25 things about me that people will care about.

2. There are currently 11 people living in my parents house. 2 are my parents and 3 are my siblings. The rest are members of my extended family. (There have been no less than 10 people there since 2001)

3.I've always had a dream to open my own bridal boutique.

4. I still have no idea what I really want to do "when I grow up."

5. My biggest regret is not getting a bachelor's degree.

6. My second biggest regret is not going away to college. (although, I might not have met my husband had a done that..... so I guess it was meant to be)

7. I hate my name. I thought about going by my middle name (Renee) when I got to High School but that would have been too much trouble.

8. I don't have a favorite anything (color, band, food, movie, book, etc...) there are too many to choose from.

9. I'm indecisive.

10. Sometimes, when I'm out in public with my nieces, I like to pretend they're my kids. Especially when I'm being told how cute they are!

11.I was really excited to get Jillian Michaels' 30 day shred in the mail, but I haven't touched it since it got here.

12. I sometimes still sleep with a stuffed animal. His name is Bowsers and he's a yellow stuffed dog.

13. I have a friend that is an astrophysicist. Thinking about it makes me giggle every time.

14. I have absolutely no idea how to decorate my house. Anyone wanna come give me ideas?

15. I can't stand monotony. As soon as one big event is over, I have to focus on the next big event coming up, so that I don't get too bored with the every day.

16. My biggest fear is being forgotten. That said, I always assume that people I haven't seen in a while don't remember me.

17. I saw Titanic in the theater 3 times. I bought the score and cried while listening to it. When the movie came out, I bought it and never watched it!

18. I could totally be a shopaholic.

19. I am a self-proclaimed chocoholic.

20. I watch WAY too much tv.

21.I would love to live on a farm- if I could pay someone to do all of the hard work and just hang out with the animals when I felt like it.

22. Sometimes I wish the whole women's lib thing never happened so I wouldn't be expected to work outside the house.

23. I have a list of things I would get done if I was ever chosen to be on extreme makeover.

24. I once almost moved to Chicago to go to fashion merchandising school.... but then I chickened out.

25. I LOVE presents! But I would rather someone spend $5 on me and get me something that shows they really know me than spend $5000 on something impersonal.

Random

I know I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ve started about a million posts, but I can’t seem to finish any of them!

~My Christmas was pretty good, how about yours? It was pretty much a no-pressure holiday, which was great! We did go to a bunch of places, but we didn’t put ourselves on a time schedule, so we could actually enjoy the time we had. I spent the day with my 3 2-year-old nieces. They’re getting to the age where they are starting to understand Santa and presents on Christmas morning, so it was really fun to watch them all! Honestly, I had to go through all of the gifts that I got over the weekend, because I couldn’t remember what I opened- I was so wrapped up in watching the girls! I did get some pretty good stuff, though. I think I gave some of the best gifts I’ve ever given, too, so that made me really excited!

~I started a new tradition this year. I had my sister and the Littles over and we made candy as gifts for some of our relatives. The girls LOVED it, and I had so much fun doing something fun and different with them. I hope this becomes one of those traditions that they grow up to look forward to and remember when they are adults. I think next year we’ll turn it into a slumber party, though, and that will give my sister some much needed time to do her shopping and/or wrapping.

~My office is very uncomfortable in the winter. If I have my space heater on, I’m uncomfortably hot. If I turn it off, I freeze (because for some reason the vents blow cold air on my side of the building.) Also, we have NO circulation of the air in here. It’s so dry and dusty! I mean, would it kill these people to have someone clean out the vents every once in a while (Like once every year or so?)

~ I’m currently working on a post about the New Year and resolutions. I know you all are just dying to read it! Tune in tomorrow!

Jon&Kate&IF&Us

I know, right? You’re thinking 3 posts in 3 days?! It has to be some sort of miracle! Honestly, I think I just had to admit to myself and to the world that I’m in a rut, and then the floodgates of communication opened up. Amazing how that happens….




You know that commercial on TLC where it’s Jon and Kate and they’re holding hands and they look up and smile at each other? Why does it affect me so much? I bawl like a baby every time I see it, and it makes the Hubs laugh. I know I’m not the only one…. I’ve read your blogs. I know you cry too! What is it about that commercial, though? I mean, I know it was all staged, but it just looked like we stepped in to a real, perfect moment, right? I usually fast forward through commercials ( DVR is the world’s best invention- aside from indoor plumbing) but this one I stop and watch every time!




I just love them, and I love their kids, and I love how they’re just so real with each other all the time. I think, too, that I love how they struggled with infertility. I wouldn’t wish IF on anyone, but it makes me have hope that we can get to the other side of this struggle. (Hopefully not with 8 kids, but whatever it takes, I guess.)




What amazing episodes that have had lately, too! San Diego! HAWAII!!! How amazing and beautiful! (I’ve always dreamed of going to Hawaii. I actually cry when I see pictures of it, because I have no idea when/if I’ll ever make it there. I was watching Jon & Kate +8 with the Hubs and said “I WILL make it there before I die.” My Husband, who never wants to put us in unnecessary debt - and a vacation is always seen as unnecessary debt - said “I will get you there someday. We might be 70, and I might have to put us in debt up to our eyeballs, but I WILL get you there.” ::sigh:)




I’m so glad that they always mention how grateful they are to have the opportunities that they are given because of the show. I know they probably sit back every once in a while and say “I have no idea how we would be able to survive if it weren’t for the show.” I mean, can you imagine?! I know from seeing my sister raise twins that multiple infants/ toddlers are expensive. Can you imagine 6 of them?! I just have no idea how anyone could handle that. I’m sure they see it as a prayer answered x 100.




Wow, that was a lot of rambling about a TV show, huh? As far as our IF struggle is going…. I’m now up to 1500mg of Met, but I’m not really losing any weight. I haven’t been able to get out and exercise much, though, so that might be part of it. I’m not sure if I ovulated this month. I had a temp shift (but I slacked one weekend and didn’t temp- of course that’s when I should have seen the shift) but I didn’t have any cm, and fertility friend didn’t mention anything about an O…. however, I started spotting this morning, so that’s a good sign (I’ve been sick most of the month, so I was 100% sure that I wasn’t pregnant. AF would mean that the met is working, right?! I mean, how do you really know that it’s working?) We can’t really afford any treatments until after the holidays, so I’m going to call after the first of the year to get in for a consultation with the RE, so that the Hubs knows what he’s getting into when he agrees to do IUI…. I guess we’ll go from there!




I want to thank everyone who responded to my last couple of posts….especially the one where I mentioned our rut. Those responses really helped me get my mind going in the right direction. I missed you all, too!

Winter, you suck.

I don’t know if this is something you all know about me, but I HATE winter! Most of all, I hate driving in the snow. Maybe hate isn’t the right word…. LOATHE is more like it. The person going 20 on the highway and driving you crazy? That’s me. Yes, I live in Ohio, and yes, I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. I probably won’t ever be used to it. I hate the fact that it takes me an hour and a half in the winter months to get to work, and at least that long to get home. I get so tense behind the wheel that by the time I get to where I’m going, I’m shaking and crying as soon as I stop the car. Its borderline traumatic. I’m not kidding. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels this way, right?



Now let’s talk about the fact that it’s snowing before Thanksgiving, and I’m getting in the mood for Christmas. I’m not ready for that yet! I like to enjoy the holidays one at a time, thanks. Now I feel like I’ve missed Thanksgiving all together, and that’s not fun. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays! I love just getting together with friends and family and actually spending time together. I love fall decorations and the warm colors and the cozy feeling of the not-yet-too-cold. I like looking forward to Thanksgiving. Don’t take that away from me, snow! Not yet! I’m not ready! Let’s compromise- hold off until the day after Thanksgiving from now on, and I’ll let you snow as much as you want until April. Then you have to stop, because April means spring. You don’t get all of the months of the year, you know……….

The Return of CLOMID and randomness

I start my 3rd round of Clomid tonight. I've been having hot flashes all weekend in anitcipation. Fun stuff, right?



I ended up not really having any plans this weekend. I coulda/ shoulda/ woulda cleaned my house and caught up my laundry and put more stuff up on ebay, but I didn't. Instead I sat on my couch looking at magazines and watching TV- mostly the style channel and Lifetime movies. OH and I rented Atonement. Let's review:



-I could TOTALLY be Kimora Lee Simmons. Basically she bosses people around all day and ends up getting everything she wants. She doesn't seem mean about it, just unwilling to compromise. It works, right? Also, OMG her closets! I was drooling just a little bit. And she seems to have a really great relationship with her kids. That was really cool to watch.



-I love Lifetime movies. I don't know what it is, but I just love them. I always have. I could sit on my couch all weekend and watch nothing but Lifetime Movies and be constantly entertained. Should I be ashamed of this? Cause I'm not.



- Atonement. (Sidebar: I hate when I have to watch a movie with the remote in my hands to control the volume through the whole thing. There were times when the music was SO loud that I had to hurry up and turn it down, and then there were times when I couldn't hear a word the characters were saying so I had to turn it up almost full blast. Annoying, right?) Maybe it's just me, but for the first 3/4 of the movie I was kinda confused, and the jumping around in time really threw me off. I wasn't quite sure why people raved and raved about this movie..... until the end. I'm not going to get into any spoilers here, but the end of the movie just made the entire thing worth it to me. It ripped my heart out and stomped on it and made me think about how beautiful life is. The Hubs was hanging out with one of his friends yesterday, and when the friend was leaving, he asked me how the movie was. Then he looked at my face and said "that good, huh?" Wowee! Great flick.



We had a sleepover with the Littles on Saturday night. It was so great to see their faces last thing before I fell asleep and first thing in the morning. And then we made banana pancakes and danced to Barney. And then we went to the park and saw the ducks. And then they cried because they didn't want to go home. And I cried. And they went home. It's so easy to get used to having them around.... it kinda felt strange NOT having them around.




Don't you wish you had my fabulous life?

Just a little blurb

I'm gonna be an aunt again today! My foster brother & wife are going in later this morning for a c-section, and so I'll get to meet my new neice right after work! I'm so excited!

Photoshop scares me

I have a couple of pretty interesting posts in the works, but I'm having some problems getting the thoughts in my head to translate into words. You know how that goes!





Now, back to the title. Does Photo shop scare anyone else? I mean, it's really cool to play with, and it can make a terrible photo of you somehow look good, but it just seems like EVERYTHING is photoshopped anymore! I was looking through an AVON catalog on my lunch break one day, and there is a page dedicated to a dark circle remover cream with "before" and "after" pictures. Great... but they are SOO OBVIOUSLY photoshopped! I mean, it looks like someone took the picture of an eye, photoshopped the real dark circle out, and then photoshopped a slight shadow under the eye. How in the world am I supposed to believe that this product works now? And it makes me so MAD because consumers aren't stupid! (well, some are, I'm sure, but I know most of us aren't, am I right girls?)





My point is this: if they can photoshop models in magazines, (and I'm sure EVERY SINGLE PICTURE in a magazine is doctored in some way)how is anyone supposed to know what is real? Any photo can be messed with. If someone is REALLY good at photoshop, it can look REALLY REAL! I'm not paranoid, honestly, but it's almost like losing trust in someone. If they lie to you once, how are you supposed to ever believe anything else that that person says?




I'm going to do something productive now. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Discuss!

Counting my blessings.

Lately I’ve been pretty down in the dumps. Nothing terrible has happened. I know that my self pity party is unwarranted. I know that I have a pretty cushy life….. so, today, I think I need to count my blessings so that I can remind myself what they are.



1. I have an amazing husband who: does dishes and laundry, takes care of the animals, cleans the house in his free time, loves me and can’t wait to get the baby train going again.

2. I have a family that is very strong and supportive, even when they’re being a big pain in the booty.

3. I own a house. With nice things inside.

4. Both the Hubs and I have decent cars that are dependable (knock on wood…. Like all of it that I have in sight)

5. I work at a pretty cushy job. I get paid a decent salary, and I usually am not too busy so I get to spend some QT with my Google reader and my Nesties.

6. I’m not constantly afraid that I will lose my job, like so many other people in the world.

7. I’m (relatively) healthy.

8. The Hubs is healthy (and so are his sperm.)

9. I have a puppy and a kitty that provide me with unconditional love, and are always happy to see me.

10. I have a DVR and a library card.



So I want to ask all of you…. What are you blessed with?