The faces of Autism

I think I've talked about my baby brother who has Aspergers syndrome. He started his very first job today. He graduates from High School on Friday. He's starting college in the fall. He's going to be rich one day!



This is my beautiful niece, Abigail. Today she was diagnosed with "functioning Autism." They will have to do more test to find out where she fits on the spectrum. I know things are different now than they were when Benny was diagnosed, but it's still going to be a long, hard road for her to travel.

I will be there for her every step of the way.

The one where I cry a little.

It doesn’t get any easier, does it? For over a year now, the Hubbs and I have been trying to make a baby. It was exciting at first. Then it got to be not so exciting. Then I started to get a dull ache when looking at a pregnant woman or someone with a squishy sweet infant (or motor mouth toddler, or over active child…. You get the picture.) Then, for a while, especially during my 104 day cycle, I couldn’t even look at them without wanting to scream in frustration. I thought it would go on like that until I got myself good and knocked up. Then I hit the one year mark.



Last month was the “official” one year mark of trying. With my PCOS, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it would take a while to get pregnant. I had prepared myself for the disappointment and the heartache that I knew was to come. I told myself to accept it as a fact and move on. I don’t know what changed last month, and I’m not sure I can put it into words, but it’s more than an ache that I feel. Resignation, maybe? Hopelessness? It’s not really a physical pain anymore like it used to be…. I feel broken. I feel like part of me is just missing. Hollow and empty and lonely….but not quite.



I’m tired of charting, but I almost don’t have a choice. I need to know if I’m ovulating or not… especially with my history of long, anovulatory cycles. Since I refuse to test unless it hits 18 dpo and Good Ol’ Aunt Flo is nowhere in sight, I’m stuck. It’s just too hard to see a negative. Also, HPTs get expensive.



I’ve been seeing a lot of signs and commercials and fliers for adoption and foster care. Is it a sign? Does it mean that I’m not ever going to get pregnant, so I should give up trying and look in to adopting? I said before that I’m not going to get into IUI or IVF cycles. They just aren’t for me…. Mostly because I’m not going to stick myself with needles unless I absolutely HAVE to, plus there’s a million kids out there who need loving homes, and I can provide one. I want to adopt, but I also want to have biological children. I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to do both. I want it all. Is it too much to ask if I ask for everything?



So I spent as much time as possible with the Littles. When they were born, I finally understood how people can say that they would die for someone else. Mackenzie calls me Mom. Or Aunt Mom. She’ll say Aunt Em (or Emmy) or Aunt Meg, but when she sees me, it’s always Mom or Aunt Mom. Recently she’s been correcting people who call me Aunt Jill. She says “No, Aunt Mom.” OK, Little… whatever floats your boat! They make my life a little bit easier and a little bit lighter. They are how I know I could love someone unconditionally, even if I don’t give birth to them. They are my hope.



For any of you out there who have struggled or are struggling with infertility, or difficulty getting pregnant.... what is your hope? What is your little piece of light that makes the hurt not so bad? I really want to know.

HELLLOOOO OUT THERE!

Hello my bloggy friends! I've been MIA for a while. Sorry about that! I was out living my life and didn't have time to blog about it. I know, that's crazy talk, right? Well, I'm back and I have to tell you... it's pretty exciting to see double digits in my comments section :) Comments rock. You guys rock. This whole blogging thing rocks!



What have I been doing that's so important that I can't even check in here, you ask? Ummmm alot of nothing, actually. I have a bit of a cold or allergies or something that keeps me coughing ALL THE TIME. I actually called off of work on Thursday because my co-workers were "annoyed" on Wednesday that I kept coughing. Right.... because I LOVE coughing so much that I do it for fun. So I took an extra long weekend and it was great!



Friday and Saturday were spent with my family. It's so great to be able to just chill out with the people that you love most in the world and eat summer only food and pretend that the rest of the world doesn't matter. The Littles were as adorable as always. It's so amazing just watching them grow up. Who knew that I would grow up to prefer the babblings and antics of 19 month olds to intellectual (or not) conversations with adults? Not me! I love those girls so much that I can't even imagine loving my own children as much. I know I will, and probably more, but it's just so hard to fathom.



Yesterday my puppy graduated from puppy obedience classes! YAY CHARLIE! He's such a showoff! He ignores us at home (of course) but as soon as we open the door of the car, he knows where he is and can't wait to show off what he can do. He made lots of friends. If I had the time, I'd love to make him a member of the Doggie Brigade and take him to visit the kids at Children's Hospital. I know he would LOVE that, and so would they, but "mommy" has to work and just doesn't have time for it. So sad.



In other news, We got to spend the holiday with a very special person. Kelly DePew is my best friend's sister and my sister's best friend. She just returned from her 2nd tour of Iraq with the Army. We all feel so grateful and blessed that she was able to return to us for the second time alive and in one piece. Welcome home, Kel! We love you!



I have so much more to talk about, but I think I'll save my thoughts for another post. I hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday weekend! Now back to the grindstone.......