IF.....

Infertility sucks. Only those of us who experience the monthly disappointment can understand. We want to say that it doesn’t define us- it’s not who we are- but it does and it is. It’s huge. It’s the elephant in the room. It makes it so hard to have, and keep, IRL friends. Am I the only one who thinks this?



I live my life. I have fun. I enjoy the things I have. Always, though, I have the thought in the back of my head of children and IF. Isn’t it appropriate that the abbreviation for infertility is IF? As in: IF this cycle works (or doesn’t….) IF the drugs I’m pumping into my body actually make my ovaries produce eggs… What IF I get pregnant this cycle, but then something goes wrong….. IF I have to be put on bed rest and can’t work…. IF I get pregnant with multiples…. IF we spend all of our savings on treatments and then have nothing to show for it- and no money left to adopt…. SO MANY IF’s…… and no one understands, unless they have gone through it.



I’m in such a different place than a lot of my RL friends. Some of them are married and not wanting kids, some are parents or pregnant, some are not married and are still dating around. The grass is always greener, though. Some of my unmarried friends envy that I have a husband and a house and everything that comes along with that. Sometimes I envy that they still get to experience the “falling in love” part, and the fun of dating. Some of my parent friends sometimes envy the freedom that comes with being childless. All the time I envy the fact that they got to experience being pregnant. They got to feel their child(ren) moving and coming to life inside of them. They get to experience the bittersweet joy of every “first”….. I find it SO HARD not to resent that- even though these people are so undeserving of my resentment.



It’s so easy to shrink back out of the world. It’s so easy not to pick up the phone and talk to someone. It’s so easy to become isolated. It’s so easy to not realize that you have, in turn, isolated people who love you and want you in their lives. It’s so easy to hurt people who love you because you don’t want to, or can’t, share your hurt with them. Why is it that the hurting and isolation are the easiest things to come along with IF?

If I didn't know any better...

Honestly, if I had ovulated since ummm February, I’d think I was pregnant. Since I haven’t ovulated in MONTHS, though, I know I’m not, and all this crap going on with my body is freaking annoying! Wanna know what I’m whining about?



First, smells are SOOOOO potent right now. And my gag reflex is up. Way up. Never in my life have I actually gagged at smells…. Now I dry heave. In public. I know, gross, right?



Also, I’ve been eating like crazy… and not good stuff. Yesterday morning we went out to breakfast. I had french toast AND biscuits and sausage gravy. I ate it all. In like 10 minutes. I don’t think I ate for the rest of the day, but still! I’ve been eating like that for a week now! At least! Actually, I probably could have lived off of hamburgers for a week, because that’s the only thing that has sounded good to me, even though I’ve eaten everything else in sight.



AND! I look pregnant! Honestly, I was looking at my silhouette in the mirror yesterday, and if I totally could tell people I was preggers and they’d believe me. My tummy has never been small, and it’s probably because of all of the CRAP that I’ve been eating, but GEEZ! I could be 6 months along!



I’ve been having a REALLY hard time falling asleep and staying that way at night, and then, of course, I have a really hard time waking up in the morning and, you know, functioning and stuff. And the dreams that I’ve been having? SO strange!



The Hubs, poor guy, keeps asking “Are you SURE? Should we get a test?” and every time I explain to him that “no, it’s not possible, I haven’t had an egg ready to be fertilized since the cold cold winter months AND have been given pregnancy tests since then”, I think he dies a little. Poor guy. (I’m pretty sure the punctuation in that sentence is ALL wrong, but whatever.)



Tomorrow is the rescheduled SA. The Hubs is pretty psyched for it, and has no doubts that it will be smooth sailing. Wish us luck!

Expect Miracles

A couple of weekends ago, I was at a festival and saw this bracelet.



I had to stop and stare at it for a few minutes because it struck me so hard. All I could think about was how I wished I could buy one for every single wonderful woman that I have "met" through blogging.



When you're trying to have a baby, especially when you are experiencing infertility, every single month, no matter how hard you try not to, you get your hopes up (even if it's just a little tiny bit... because there's always a chance!) and every single month there is a bfn and every single month it gets harder and harder. That bracelet, to me, represented hope.



Even if you are already a mother, or you're not looking to beceome one, we all have things in our lives that we just need a little bit of hope for. In this economy, for example, there is a lot of struggling and fear. Maybe you're in fear of you or a family member losing your job. Maybe you're wondering how you're going to put food on the table or pay for your next tank of gas. Maybe it's something completely different.



So, I guess, this is my poor (wo)man's way of wishing you all a miracle. I can't affored to buy every single one of you a bracelet, and even if I could, I'd have no idea where to send it. Let this be your bracelet. Let this be your hope. Expect Miracles.

The Hubs would kill me for posting this....

I know he doesn't want all of his business posted all over the net, but I'm trying SO hard not to cry right now....................................... The Hubs had finally made an appointment for his SA this morning. I was SO excited to be able to move on with the process. I just got a call from him saying that he needed to reschedule because he couldn't get it to "shoot into the cup" and that he told me that he couldn't do it in the morning. Well, dude, you don't really have a choice. So he called and rescheduled for the 29th. I guess I can wait since I waited so long to begin with, but DARNIT! This SUCKS!!



Whatever Wednesday will happen....but not until later in the day.

The one where I cry a little.

It doesn’t get any easier, does it? For over a year now, the Hubbs and I have been trying to make a baby. It was exciting at first. Then it got to be not so exciting. Then I started to get a dull ache when looking at a pregnant woman or someone with a squishy sweet infant (or motor mouth toddler, or over active child…. You get the picture.) Then, for a while, especially during my 104 day cycle, I couldn’t even look at them without wanting to scream in frustration. I thought it would go on like that until I got myself good and knocked up. Then I hit the one year mark.



Last month was the “official” one year mark of trying. With my PCOS, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it would take a while to get pregnant. I had prepared myself for the disappointment and the heartache that I knew was to come. I told myself to accept it as a fact and move on. I don’t know what changed last month, and I’m not sure I can put it into words, but it’s more than an ache that I feel. Resignation, maybe? Hopelessness? It’s not really a physical pain anymore like it used to be…. I feel broken. I feel like part of me is just missing. Hollow and empty and lonely….but not quite.



I’m tired of charting, but I almost don’t have a choice. I need to know if I’m ovulating or not… especially with my history of long, anovulatory cycles. Since I refuse to test unless it hits 18 dpo and Good Ol’ Aunt Flo is nowhere in sight, I’m stuck. It’s just too hard to see a negative. Also, HPTs get expensive.



I’ve been seeing a lot of signs and commercials and fliers for adoption and foster care. Is it a sign? Does it mean that I’m not ever going to get pregnant, so I should give up trying and look in to adopting? I said before that I’m not going to get into IUI or IVF cycles. They just aren’t for me…. Mostly because I’m not going to stick myself with needles unless I absolutely HAVE to, plus there’s a million kids out there who need loving homes, and I can provide one. I want to adopt, but I also want to have biological children. I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to do both. I want it all. Is it too much to ask if I ask for everything?



So I spent as much time as possible with the Littles. When they were born, I finally understood how people can say that they would die for someone else. Mackenzie calls me Mom. Or Aunt Mom. She’ll say Aunt Em (or Emmy) or Aunt Meg, but when she sees me, it’s always Mom or Aunt Mom. Recently she’s been correcting people who call me Aunt Jill. She says “No, Aunt Mom.” OK, Little… whatever floats your boat! They make my life a little bit easier and a little bit lighter. They are how I know I could love someone unconditionally, even if I don’t give birth to them. They are my hope.



For any of you out there who have struggled or are struggling with infertility, or difficulty getting pregnant.... what is your hope? What is your little piece of light that makes the hurt not so bad? I really want to know.

Am I infertile?

SO I was thinking about this last night, and I'm not sure! I've been trying for 12 months with no luck. I've been diagnosed with PCOS (read this post if you're not sure what I'm talking about.) Out of the last 12 months, I've only ovulated 3 times, and 2 of those were assisted by Clomid. BUT we haven't been to an RE, and the Hubbs has yet to have a sperm analysis.



See, the thing is, I guess I kinda lumped myself in with the infertiles around 6 months of trying because of my PCOS, but now I'm second guessing. There are people out there who have been trying for YEARS to get pregnant and have taken steps to get that way. I haven't thought about IUI or IVF (and I won't, since we long ago made the decision to adopt if we couldn't do it "the old fashioned way".... but I TOTALLY support anyone who decides to go that direction.) and I haven't looked into surrogacy or adoption. I'm not really ready to go in any of those directions. Maybe I'm just a lazy infertile? Maybe I'm really a fertiles with illusions of infertility?



Here's my question to you: What makes a person qualify as "infertile?" Is there a time limit that you have to wait until you hit that status? Do you have to be diagnosed with something (ie, PCOS, endo, Male Factor...?)

Unexplained infertility

This weekend I learned that an acquaintance of mine and her husband had been diagnosed as "infertile as a couple." Her RE has done every test imaginable, but can't seem to find a reason why they can't seem to conceive. I can't help but think that this is the worst possible type of infertility. If they don't know what's wrong, they can't fix it.
At least with PCOS (I was diagnosed in Nov 06 with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) there are steps that can be taken to get me pregnant (hopefully) in spite of my diagnosis. I've already had 2 rounds of Clomid with no results. There are other treatments, though, that will help me to ovulate.



This particular couple adopted a BEAUTIFUL little girl from overseas, but they haven't given up hope of someday having a biological child. Paul and I discussed adoption before we ever got married, and before we even had any clue that we were going to have problems getting pregnant. (My mother had 6 children, and my sister had twins as the result of an "unplanned" pregnancy. I come from fertiles.... what would make me think that I wouldn't be able to have children? ) We both decided that, if I wasn't able to get pregnant, we would definitely look into adoption. When we started having problems, we visited the subject again. We would do the clomid, and possibly some other fertility meds, but we weren't going to go as far as IUI or IVF. After 2 failed rounds of Clomid, adoption is looking like more and more of a possibility.



I have always felt "called" to be an adoptive mother. I know that there is a child out there somewhere who doesn't have a home and needs me to provide them with love and support. I know that being an adoptive mother is something I can do to better the world in some small way. Knowing all of this doesn't make the idea any less scary (for lack of a better word.) I do want to adopt, but I ALSO can't imagine not being able to experience the miracle of pregnancy. I've always thought about the cute little ways I would announce my pregnancy to my husband and family. I've fantasized about feeling my baby move for the first time and how I would tell it stories in-vitro. I've imagined how I would look in maternity clothes, and I've saved some really cute dresses that will hug a pregnant belly in all the right ways to make it stand out. The idea that I might not ever have that experience frightens me every day.