Friday, October 11, 2013

I'm Back!

So.  I haven't posted in over a year.  There have been so many times when I've had a million thoughts running through my head and really just needed to get them out- but of course those times are when it's most inconvenient: like when I'm driving to or from work or daycare, when I'm trying to make sure dinner gets on the table while trying to figure out if "Hey mom! Look at this!" is something dangerous or just my crazy girl being crazy, or when it's quiet at night and we're snuggling in bed.  I'm not going to lie- I love this mommy stuff.

 Right now, I am sitting at my dining room table, drinking a bottle of Angry Orchard (I love this stuff!) and listening to my dear husband coax our daughter into sitting on the potty before bed.  (She's fully potty trained and going through a phase in which she willfully chooses when and when not to sit on the toilet.  We can talk about that later.)  My house is an unorganized mess, and we ordered pizza for dinner because neither of us had the energy to cook and/or wanted to go out.  Tomorrow morning will bring gymnastics class and shopping for accessories for her Sofia the First Halloween costume, but right now it's quiet.

I don't have anything profound to say, or a funny/ heartwarming story to share tonight.  I just wanted to say "hi" to anyone who may read this.  It's been a crazy 3 years, but we're doing OK.  Life is good today.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

To my sweet not-so baby girl,

It’s May. Summer is just about here, and we are just about to celebrate graduations and weddings and new babies. None of those are yours, thank goodness, because you’re only 2! Someday, though, they will be. You will be looking around you and trying to figure out just exactly what emotion you will be feeling. You will be afraid of leaving the life you’ve always known, but excited to see what happens in the future. You will be scared that you will make a mess of it all. You will be confident that you know what you’re doing- even if you really have no clue. You will be equal parts wanting to leave and start everything new and wanting to hold on so tight to traditions and friends and that bring comfort in the every day.

Here is some unsolicited advice from your loving Mama:

BE PRESENT! Soak it all in. Remember faces and expressions and unimportant conversations. You really never know when or if you will see anyone again. Make every minute count.

Love. Don’t be afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone. If it feels right in your heart, then it probably is. Make sure, however, that you’re listening to your heart and not your hormones. Trust me, they are easy to confuse sometimes.

Try new things, but honor your commitments. At the end, you may still be unhappy with the experience that you had, but at least you’ll be able to say that you tried. And if you’re stuck doing something unpleasant, you don’t really have a choice but to make it work somehow.

Make REAL friends. Surround yourself with people who make you feel like the person that you want to be and respect the person that you are. Those people do exist, I promise.

Be kind. Other people have feelings, too. Smile at people. Yours may be the only smile that someone may see. Sometimes, that makes all the difference.

Every day, take a minute and lose yourself into something beautiful. It could be a flower, the way the sunlight comes through the trees, a painting, or a well-crafted piece of clothing. It could be a person or an animal. Thank God for making beautiful things, even if you are at a very low point in life. It will give you something to hold on to. If there is beauty in the world, then there is hope. Hold on to hope.

There is a line in your favorite book that has made me choke up EVERY SINGLE TIME that I read it: “And so then, my darling, wherever you roam- may you always be safe, may you always come home.” Please remember that, no matter what, you can ALWAYS come home. Nothing will ever change my love for you.

I love you always,

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Hannah at 16 months

I took this picture over the weekend. Every time I look at it, I fall in love with it even more. It’s just so… Hannah. In a matter of seconds, she had climbed up the stairs, pulled out half of her baby wipes, dropped her baby lotion in the hallway, and cleared off my nightstand. In this picture, she’s reading the letters I’ve written to her since she’s been born. There are 2 of them, written at random times when I’ve been so overcome by love for her that I couldn’t keep the words inside.

She is my life. My Baby. My Sweet Angel. My Rotten Princess. My smile and my laugh and my tears and my headaches. She’s shy and she’s funny. She’s afraid of bubbles and sand, but brave enough to want to try to swim on her own. She can’t say “baby”, but she can say “elephant” (well, close. It’s more like “enh- deh”.) She loves to look at pictures of us as a family. She’ll point to each of us over and over and over. Mommy. Daddy. Hannah. Sometimes I’m “mommy” and sometimes it’s “mama.” It’s ALWAYS “Daddy.”

She loves to see animals in person, but isn’t so crazy about them in pictures. She’ll dance alone if there’s no music, but turn the music on, and she’s reaching for me to dance her around the living room. She hates broccoli and loves green beans. She could live off of bananas if I’d let her.

My daughter can operate any cell phone you put in front of her. Sometimes, she’ll send me a text message while I’m at work. When I see “aieuncniuhg ffff” it simultaneously makes me smile with joy and breaks my heart for wanting to be next to her- wherever next to her happens to be.

I have never loved another person in my life with the intensity that I love this little girl.

This is motherhood. This is amazing.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hannah's Birth Story (Better late than never!)

Even before I got pregnant, my biggest labor fear was that my water would break at work. I mean, how embarrassing, right?

Tuesday, January 12 was a normal day. I had lost my mucus plug a couple of days earlier, but when the doctor checked me at my weekly appointment the day before, he was unconcerned. There was no reason to think that I would be having my baby any sooner than my due date. I’d been feeling really gross since Sunday… like I couldn’t get clean, no matter how many showers I took. When I went to work on Tuesday, I noticed that every single person I ran into was commenting on how it wouldn’t be too long before I went into labor. I had 3 more childbirth classes to go, so my standard answer was “give me 3 more weeks, and I’ll be ready!”

Around 4pm, I went to eat my afternoon snack. As I was reaching up into my cabinet, I felt a gush. I had just gone to the bathroom, so I was sure I hadn’t peed myself, which I knew is common late in pregnancy. I was hoping that maybe it was just a big gush of the liquid-y discharge I’d been having for the past 2 days, so I went about my business….. and about 30 seconds later I had another gush. At this point, I was pretty sure my water had broken. At work. At the end of the day. I texted my mom to tell her, because she was the person who was going to pick me up if I went into labor at work. (my husband works 30 minutes in the opposite direction of the hospital.) I told her that I thought my water had broken, but I wasn’t feeling any contractions, and it was the end of the day, so I thought I’d just stick it out and I’d be fine to drive myself home. And then I had another gush. And another. And I ran into my boss’ office to tell her the news. She was on the phone and gave me an annoyed “can’t this wait?” look. I shook my head. She said “ you’re not in labor, are you?!” When I told her that I thought I was, she went into panic mode! She made me sit down, which was a total mistake, because then I couldn’t stand up! And because I couldn’t stand up, we had to call 911 for the paramedics to transport me to the hospital. As if my water breaking at work wasn’t humiliating enough, now I had to have the paramedics come wheel me out on a gurney!

Through it all, I was really calm! I still wasn’t feeling contractions, and I was making jokes and laughing at the absurdity of it all. The EMTs had a good sense of humor, too, which was good. Unfortunately, I work in a different county than the hospital I was supposed to deliver at, so they couldn’t take me there. The hospital they took me to was so packed in L&D that the only bed they had for me was in the recovery room. I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced, at -2 station when they checked me. I begged and begged, and because I wasn’t having regular contractions, they let my husband drive me down to the hospital I was supposed to deliver at. By the time we got there (around 7pm) my contractions were 4 minutes apart, 60 seconds long, and all in my back. Still, I was calm. I was laughing at my husband as he broke the speed limit (something he RARELY does) and told him to slow down. We were close enough, and the baby was not going to be born in the car!

After we got to the hospital, everything became one big blur. I remember the 75 year old security guy outside of the ER yelling at Paul to park the car because the valet guys had gone home. I remember being wheeled up, roomed, and hooked up to the monitors before he found me. The contractions weren’t the worst pain I’d ever felt. Really, it felt like I had a bad stomach flu, but all of the pain was in my back. I was immediately hooked up to an IV, and they started an antibiotic drip. (Since I was only 34 weeks along, I hadn’t had time to get tested for Strep B.) People were in and out, and the contractions were getting worse. I wanted an epidural, but the anesthesiologist was running behind, and they were waiting on the results of some lab work they had done (I can’t remember what exactly it was.) The doctor suggested I get an injection of something that “wouldn’t take the pain away, but would make me care less about it.” I can’t remember the name of the drug, but it made me REALLY sleepy!

Finally, at what they tell me was around 8:30pm (but I can swear was more around 10), I was able to get my epidural. Honestly, that was the scariest part of the whole thing. There were no complications, and it went quickly and smoothly, but thinking about someone messing with drugs and needles around my spine freaked me out. After it was in, though, I felt like a new person. I was trying to keep people updated on what was going on by texting, and my husband thought it was the funniest thing! I’m pretty sure we have some video of him making fun of me for Hannah to laugh at later on. (Or roll her eyes at. We’ll see how she turns out.)

Before long, it was time to push. I couldn’t feel my contractions AT ALL, so they had to turn my epidural way down…. And really, I still couldn’t feel much. I did about 12 practice pushes and 12 real pushes, and she was out! (Thank goodness! I have no idea how women push for hours!) When the Dr pulled her out, I couldn’t believe it was real. It felt like I was watching it on TV or something.

They took her away from me as soon as she was born, because they were concerned about her breathing, since she was a preemie. While the doctor “did his thing” I watched the nurses work on my daughter. She was so tiny at 4 lbs, 11oz! As I listened to her cry, all I could think was “my poor baby! She must be so scared!”

And then my favorite moment of the entire night happened. Hannah was crying, and Paul walked over to see her. The neonatologist said “you can touch her,” and as soon as he did, she fell silent. Even brand new, she was able to tell the touch of her Daddy apart from the touches of all of the doctors and nurses around her. That’s when I cried.

She was breathing on her own, but not well. I was able to hold her, but only for a minute. Our family was allowed to come in and see her for about 30 seconds before they rushed her away to the NICU, which would become her home for the first week of her life.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

1 month!

I've sat down to write Hannah's birth story a million times, and I can't seem to put it into words. It's coming soon, I promise. In the meantime, here is a picture of my "Itty Bitty" for your viewing pleasure! I can't believe it's been a whole month already!
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Sunday, January 17, 2010

She's HERE!

Hannah Claire was born on Tuesday, January 12 at 11:07pm. At birth, she was 4lbs 12oz, 17" long.

Because she was born so early (at 34 weeks) we have been in the NICU with some breathing, eating, jaundice issues. Knock on wood, they all seem to be going away little by little. I haven't had any time to upload pics to my computer, but I will post some as soon as I have them on here, along with her interesting birth story.

With any luck, I'll be bringing home my "Bella" within the next couple of days.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Let’s start the year off right- with a TMI post!

Hi! Remember me? Once upon a time I used to write in this corner of the internet. Since I’ve been a pretty darn boring pregnant woman, I haven’t really had much to share…. But I thought I’d give a TMI update for anyone who might want to read it. Isn’t that nice of me?

So- I’m 34 weeks, and I’m pretty sure I lost my mucus plug yesterday. I woke up feeling kind of crappy-like I was going to start my period, and I had some pretty crazy Braxton Hicks, but it wasn’t really anything abnormal, so I just went about my day. When I went to the bathroom at church, I noticed some really thick clear mucus with blood in it (I told you this was going to be TMI!) when I wiped. And by “some” I mean “a crap ton!” The only thing I could think that it might possibly be is my mucus plug…. It continued the rest of the day with the thick stuff, and then it switched to clear watery stuff- and then I got concerned that I was leaking amniotic fluid!

I called the OB on call and asked what to do- he said that I could go into L&D if I wanted, but since I already had an appt set up for the next morning, I could probably wait until then. I wasn’t really having any “real” contractions, so I decided to wait.

In the meantime, I started freaking out about everything that still needed to be done around the house and at work. I was afraid that they were going to tell me that I’d either a) need an emergency c-section because of the loss of fluid (Really, it’s that much! I’ve been going through pads worse than on my heaviest period days!), or b)need to go on bedrest. (which, honestly, I probably would be OK with. I’m a pretty lazy person anyway.) So I spent every spare minute yesterday making lists of things that needed done and sorting through all of the crap that is currently in my nursery.

And then I couldn’t sleep. And then I had a minor panic attack in my sleep. And then I couldn’t sleep some more.

And then I went to my Dr appt all period crampy and sleepy and nervous.

It took a while for Hannah to move around during the ultrasound. I expected that, though, because I hadn’t eaten (I had to take a fasting blood sugar test this morning, too.) The amniotic fluid looked great, though. YAY! I went in for my NST, and almost fell asleep…. And then the Dr (one in the practice that I hadn’t yet met) came in to read it. He asked if I had any questions, and I told him about the whole “plug” issue, so he decided to do an internal exam.

First he said “Doctors don’t really qualify anything specific as a ‘plug’” and then he proceeded to poke and prod and stick (and I really haven’t missed that, either!) and then he got up and walked away. After I got dressed he said, “well, your water is intact, you’re just having a lot of watery mucus, which is normal. See you back here next week.” And went on his merry way. I’m assuming that means that I’m all closed up and there’s no need to worry, right? I mean, if he was concerned, he wouldn’t have been so quick to push me out the door, I’m sure.

SO. Now I’m sitting here trying to process it all, feeling a little better because we have a few weeks (hopefully only a few weeks!) to get stuff done, and hoping the next few weeks will not consist of me feeling completely gross and leaky!

I missed you, too ;)