In which I whine and complain

I don’t know what my major malfunction is right now, but I know I have one. I can’t decide if it’s my crazy hormones, the fact that we are solidly in what I call the “gray season” in Ohio (basically from October through April) and SAD is starting to set in, or if it’s just because this past week has been just a series of “bad days” and it’s really wearing on me.

This is what I know:
*I am not as deliriously happy as I should be right now.
*I’m tired ALL THE TIME, sore, achy, and sinus-y.
*I have a really hard time getting comfortable enough to fall asleep, and then I can only stay comfortable for a couple of hours (at the most) before my hips/back/ arms hurt so bad that they wake me up.
*The first thing I do in the morning when my alarm goes off for work is cry. I’m so sick of my job (Which I know I am lucky to have, and I know is a good job) that I’d rather stab my eyes out with a fork than go into work. And I’m sick of crying at work. It’s unprofessional, and it makes me look bad. It can be triggered by something here, or it can just come out of nowhere.
*My house is a mess, and I have no desire or energy to clean it.
* I’m sick of watching every bite of food that goes in my mouth. I’m tired of eating and eating protein and veggies, only to be super hungry again 30 minutes later and not being able to eat for another 1.5 hours.

*For the past week, all I’ve wanted to do is cry. Constantly.

I’m miserable, and I just want it to be February already!

The Hubs has been so great through all of this, though. I know it bothers him that I’m sad all of the time, but he lets me just be sad. He sits with me and holds me and reassures me. He tries his hardest to make sure I’m comfortable, and doesn’t get offended when I snap at him for no reason. I couldn’t ask for a better support person right now. I wish, for his sake, that I could just snap out of this funk.

Something’s gotta give, but what that something is, I have NO idea….

Just Mom

I realized the other day that, in a few short months, someone is going to look at me and see only “Mom.” This is crazy to me. On one hand, it’s SOO FREAKIN COOL, but on the other, it almost feels like the loss of my identity.

You know how, when you’re young, you look at your parents and they hardly seem like humans? They’re just “Mom” and “Dad.” It’s hard to imagine them as the people they were before you were born. It’s hard to imagine them as who they are independent of you. (Kids are very self-centered. Why is that?) I can’t tell you when it finally clicked for me that my mom is more than JUST my mom, and my dad is more than JUST my dad. They have lives, friends, personalities. I can say, though, that it wasn’t until recently. Maybe sometime in college?

When Hannah is born, for a very long time, I will just be “Mom” to her. What does that mean? Will I lose my identity? Will I lose my sense of self? Will I get so wrapped up in loving and caring for her that I forget who Jill is? I know, even now, that I would gladly give my life for her. She is already in my every thought. It feels like my entire life right now is revolving around bringing her into this world happy and healthy. I don’t resent it- just the opposite. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity (even though I’m kind of a wuss and complain about it a lot.) When she’s born, will I willingly give myself up to be her mom? Will I miss being just me? Will I resent her for taking away my “freedom?” I know I won’t, but it’s still something I worry about….

dreams and reality

I had a dream about her last night. She was perfect and pink and wrinkly, and she had her daddy’s nose. Up until now, I’ve only ever dreamed about having boys. Even after I found out that she was a she. Strange, huh?

In my dream, I went into labor, and was in and out of the hospital within 2 hours. I never fed her until after she was 24 hours old, because it suddenly occurred to me that she probably needed to eat. So then I tried to breastfeed and realized that I had NO idea what I was doing, and she only wanted to eat from one side- wouldn’t have anything to do with the other.

When she was 2 days old, I brought her into work to show her off. I’m sorry- what?!

I can’t really remember the rest, because all I could think of was how stupid I was being…

*******

~I’m feeling pretty good right now. I’ve had pop up visits from my buddy Morning Sickness every now and then for the past week or so. Super fun.

~The GD still sucks. I’m on glyburide to control my fasting numbers, but they keep slowly creeping up. I’m probably going to have to increase my dosage after my visit next week. It would be really great if I could go more than a week with good numbers. Oh well, at least I can control the rest of my numbers with my diet *looking for some wood to knock on.*

~I’m looking forward to the holidays this year. I know I’ll have fun, but I keep thinking about next year. Next year, I’ll have a baby that I will dress up in her first Halloween costume. We’ll buy her first Christmas dress. I’ll get to play Santa for the first time. She’ll be 10 months old, so she might just be able to open a few presents (with a little bit of help from Mommy or Daddy.) I can imagine what it will all be like, but I know reality will be so much different…. I’m so excited to live it out!

The Chinese Gender Predictors really know what they're doing!

I’m in shock! We’re having a GIRL!

We’ll get to meet Hannah Claire on or around Feb 20, 2010.

We're super excited, but thought FOR SURE she was going to be a boy. Not so much!

And the Dietician Says....

So my meeting with the dietician went well(ish.) Basically she just told me I have to watch my carb intake. Cool. AND I can have as much peanut butter as I want. AND she said that sugar free jelly is OK to eat. So my recently found love of PB&Js is unharmed. Until I get sick of them. And then I’ll have to find something else to eat for lunch.

**Please, Dear Lord, don’t let me get sick of PB&J! Please let me keep loving it until after this little one has evacuated my womb. Then I can hate it again. I don’t care.**

This lady was all Fire and Brimstone about how I COMPLETELY failed my test. She kept saying “You didn’t just fail, you REALLY failed.” Thanks, lady. Just what I needed to hear. SO I’m sitting there, feeling like a failure, and then she starts to talk about my weight. And how I’m JUST on the line of the weight I should be gaining. Umm I’m 18 weeks in, and I’ve only gained 4 lbs. I was pretty proud of myself until that moment.

She tells me I have to test twice a day- once in the morning before I do ANYTHING (right… I haven’t really remembered to add that to the beginning of my routine yet.) and then once during the day after alternate meals (ie, 2 hours after breakfast one day, then lunch the next, then dinner…) And if I’m at or near the limit for any reason, I have to tell her EXACTLY why I’m over the limit. Oh, and apparently, I’m eating too late at night. Because I really love getting home at 6, after being gone since 7, and figuring out what to eat and then making it. It’s my favorite thing in the world. And not even a little bit intimidating. (See my previous post a few down about how food has been stressing me out.)

So then I get home, and I call my prescription company to see what glucose meters they cover, so I know what to ask for when I get to the store. They transfer me around in circles for an hour, until I finally reach a lady who tells me that I can get a free meter (sweet!) BUT I have to use the mail-in program. The company will fax my Dr something to sign to say it’s OK to get the meter, and when the company finally gets the fax back (who knows how long that will take) they’ll send me the meter in the mail. It will take up to 10 days after they get permission to get me the meter. Obviously, that solution wasn’t going to work. Luckily, my sister had GD when she was pregnant with her twins, so I was able to use her meter. All I had to do was shell out $102 for test strips. (in the words of my sister, “those things are like GOLD”)

So, it was a great time. Also, apparently the Low Carb craze is over. I was totally counting on the South Beach and Adkin’s followers to carry me through this- but the grocery store told me another story. Freakin’ A!

overdue update

Please forgive my lack of blogging. I’ve had such a hard time putting thoughts into words lately!

Things are going pretty well, so far, knock on wood! The morning sickness has been gone for a while now (Praise the Lord!) and I’ve had a bit more energy. Food is still stressing me out, which sucks even more now, because….. I have Gestational Diabetes! I was tested early because of my PCOS and my sister having it. I guess it was a good thing that they tested me early, because it turns out that I have it. I keep hearing that it’s not so bad once you get used to it, but I’m not so sure. I have an appointment with the nutritionist this afternoon, so hopefully she’ll set my mind at ease about all of this and I can get on track. The silver lining, I guess, is that it should limit the amount of baby weight that I put on (not that I was really worried about that) and I’ll have less to lose after baby is born. Hopefully I’ll be able to stay on the diet once the little bundle arrives, and it will help with my PCOS symptoms. Another silver lining: I don’t have to take that terrible test again at 27 weeks! I’m actually really excited about that. It was horrible.

We find out what I’m growing in 2 weeks form tomorrow! I’m so excited! I can’t wait to start shopping and registering, and getting the nursery done. Mostly, too, I can’t wait to get new carpet. My ILs have generously offered to pay for us to get new carpet in our bedroom and the baby’s room. The previous owners’ animals used those rooms as litter boxes, and that has prompted our pets to do the same. Pretty gross. We’re hoping that a coat of KILLZ and new carpets will get rid of that habit.

I felt the baby move about a week and a half ago! The Hubs was away on business and I was lonely. I had just gotten off the phone with him, and all of the sudden I felt a very obvious bump right below my belly button. Suddenly, I wasn’t so lonely anymore!

That’s pretty much all that’s going on in my corner of the sky right now. I hope one or two people out there haven’t given up on me! I promise to write again, soon.

Makes me Happy

Someone on my local message board asked us all to list things that make us happy- things that aren’t husband/child related. Writing the list made me happy, so I thought I’d post here. I even added more than what I told them. What a good way to start a day.


~Christmas Eve at my mom’s house.
~Cadbury Crème eggs
~Starbucks white chocolate mocha
~Having long, serious discussions on stupid topics
~Animals in general. Mostly baby ones.
~The ocean. Especially sitting out on the beach at night and staring into the blackness.
~Getting lost in a good book.
~New clothes.
~Spending time with my sisters.
~Christmas trees.
~Weddings.
~Standing outside on a silent winter night when tiny snowflakes are falling and look like glitter. It makes me feel like nothing could ever go wrong.
~Waking up somewhere new on a summer morning (like on vacation) and sitting outside enjoying the freedom that being away from home brings.
~Slow dancing (not so much with Paul, though. After almost 8 years, he still doesn’t know where to put his hands! Also, the height difference makes it difficult.)
~Going to the Park and feeding the ducks. Sometimes, they will completely surround you so that you are standing in a sea of them.
~Warm weather in December. (or Jan or Feb or anytime in the winter)
~ Having out of town relatives over and staying up late into the night talking about everything and nothing.
~Crawling into (or back into) my super comfy bed.
~Moments like this: This morning when I was driving in, I passed a field that was kind of overgrown. There was a small hill somewhere in the middle and a doe was standing completely still and looking toward the trees. There was fog on the ground, and the sun was just rising, so it hit in just the perfect place. I wanted to stop my car and stay in that moment for hours.

What makes you happy?