Monday, March 30, 2009
Here’s the thing, though… I don’t have a clue of where to start in this area. I’ve always been known as a “walking pharmacy.” I’ve never really questioned the drugs, just did as my good Dr. said. If there’s anyone out there in Bloggy World who can point me in the right direction (or, hell, even ANY direction) I’d love the advice!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I posted this on my local message board last night. It helped, but something kept bugging me to re-post it here. Some of it I’ve talked about before, and some of it I haven’t. It’s not anything deep or life changing, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out.
Warning: This is going to be long and whiny and exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I'm pissed off at the world. I'm angry that I keep gaining weight, my face is broken out like a teenager, the hair on top of my head is thinning, and my already embarrassing facial hair (due to being an Italian) is getting worse (because of PCOS). I feel like PCOS has taken over my entire identity. I don't recognize my body anymore. I'm self-conscious and it's hurting my marriage. I'm sure there is nothing sexier to a man than being with a woman who feels fat and ugly all the time. I hate that I have to choose between taking Metformin for my PCOS and Zoloft for my depression caused by my PCOS. I can't take them both at the same time if I want to keep my food down.
My husband doesn't get it. He tries, but he just doesn't. I'm out of words and I have no idea what to say or how to get him to understand how hard this is on me. I know that, in turn, it is just as hard on him, and it's such a vicious cycle that I have no idea which way is up.
I'm angry at myself because I can't seem to get healthy. I know I need to eat healthier, but the food is expensive, and I have such a hard time preparing it. Most of the "healthy" recipes that I've found and want to try have many ingredients in them that Paul doesn't like, and it's hard to work up the energy to cook 2 different meals. I need someone around who will encourage me without saying "don't eat that- it's not healthy" or "I'll believe it when I see it." I need someone who can lead by example without being the kind of person to get on a soap box expounding on the evils of processed food. I've never had to worry about what I put in my mouth before I got married (which is coincidentally when I got diagnosed with PCOS) and I'm sick and tired of trying so hard and then falling flat on my face.
I'm angry that I've been trying to start a family with my husband for almost 2 years and we've gotten nowhere. I don't understand why it has to cost so much for us to be parents. It doesn't matter if we do IF treatments or if we go to adopt, the cost is going to be ridiculous. I am so resentful of the people who *accidentally* get pregnant or that get pregnant on purpose to collect more money from the government. I don't understand why love and desire aren't enough. I'm mad at myself because I'm not pinching and scraping every penny together to get enough for an IUI. I want this more than anything, so WHY can't I get my ass into shape and do the work I need to do?! Why can't I just have a nice date night with my husband around CD14 and bring home a baby 9 months later?
I'm so worried that this is going to be the pattern for years in the future. We'll start to save a little bit of money, and then something will come up and we'll have to start at square one. I'm worried that we're never going to be parents. I'm worried that the only time I'll hear the word "Mom" is when it's in reference to someone else.
I've never really had big dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or a corporate business woman. I always wanted to grow up and get married and have a family. I didn't think I was asking too much....
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I’m going to do another “cop out” and post the lyrics of Jason Mraz’s song “A Beautiful Mess.” That’s kind of where my mind is right now:
A Beautiful Mess lyrics
You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
and Based on your body language,
and shotty cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
Although you are biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words, I'm paraphrasing, this relationship we're staging
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is the life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt, oh dear
Cause here we are, here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.
and through timeless words and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
but it's nice today
Oh, the wait was so worth it.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
As much as I probably should get it all out, I don’t really feel like talking about all that IF crap right now. I think I’m a little bit more down about it than I’m letting myself admit, and I’m not quite ready to let myself find that out yet.
Plus, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.
What I want to do is share my new found obsession with all things Harry Potter. I know, I’m a bit behind the times, but I’m head over heels with J.K. Rowling and her ridiculously creative mind. I just finished HP and the Deathly Hallows last night…. And I have to say that the entire series is just freakin brilliant! I LOVE how she doesn’t waste pages on describing scenery, but it’s so easy to imagine this fictional world anyway. I love how her characters are so 3D that you feel like they are real people. I love how I feel like I would know how they would react to certain situations. I love how even the most minor characters are given some sort of substance.
I have to admit… I did try to read them back in the day, but I couldn’t get into the first book, and didn’t try again until just recently. I’m glad I waited, though, until all of the books were written. I’m really not good with cliffhangers, and I will refuse to see a movie or read a series if it’s a “to be continued…” type of ending. I’m impatient (tying back in to the IF crap…..) By the end of the series, I found it really hard to believe that the series is classified as “young adult fiction” and not just “fiction.” I really could probably gush on and on and on about every little thing that I loved about it, but I won’t. Just read the books if you haven’t. They’re really good, and there’s something in them for everyone.
Anyway….. other than all that, there’s nothing too exciting going on in my world. I have a toddler gymnastics class with the Littles tonight, so that should be fun….. And I downloaded Jason Mraz’s current CD, and I LOVE IT!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Also, Spring is starting to show itself. YAY! It was 60 and clear yesterday and today is supposed to be the same today. Let’s hope the Gray Season in Ohio is over!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I think I might be starting to get what the Littles have (some sort of stomach flu) but I’ve already called off of work sick 5 times since the first of the year. Also, my boobs hurt sooooo badly, and I’m an emotional train wreck, and I thought AF was coming yesterday when I saw the tiniest bit of spotting, but she was really just kidding. I haven’t temped at all this month, so I have no idea if I Oed at all. Plus, even if I did, I’ve been sick and busy and it’s been a bad month, so I can guarantee that there will be no BFP this month. OH and I've been really bad about taking my Metformin, so I have no idea what my ovaries are saying. I'll post more about that later.
On the bright side, I’ve had some quality time with some of the babies in my life! It feels so good to be able to cuddle a little one. I guess, sometimes, it doesn’t really matter if I gave birth or not, I just love babies! Of course, I still REALLY want to have my own, but it’s nice to have a “substitute” every once in a while.
Another good thing- I had a Pampered Chef party on Friday that went well. I had a mix of old friends, new friends, and family at my house. I love it when people come to my house. The closest I live to any of my family is a 30 minute drive. Most of my friends live at least that far away. I think that makes it so much better when anyone comes out to see me. Also, I’m a semi-hermit (unless shopping is involved, I really don’t like to leave my house.) so I’m most comfortable when people come to me. I don’t have the biggest or nicest/best decorated house, but I love to have it filled!
And for the random closer…. Idol is on tonight! YAY! I hope this season is better than last. I was pretty much bored for most of it. There are several on this year that I really like, so I’m pumped!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Just this week he’s: Taken care of me when I was sick, brought home dinner when he knew I would be too busy to make something, given up a weeknight to come to a funeral with me for a friend’s grandma, and today he’s using his day off to finish cleaning the house so that I won’t be embarrassed to have company over tonight.
I sure am a lucky girl!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
What do I do for fun? I go to jewelry stores and try on tons of ridiculously priced pieces of perfection, and then leave, pretending that I’m just not finding what I’m looking for. I go to the mall and try on name brand dresses and trendy clothes just to see what it would look like if I had the money for such things. When we were house hunting, I spent as much time looking at houses that were way out of my price range as I did looking at some that I could afford…
Have you ever noticed that the happiest people are the ones who have nothing? They delight in the simplest things. They find their happiness in each other. They entertain themselves by simply being together- not by sitting next to each other and zeroing in on a movie or television show (which the Hubs and I do frequently- because LOVE TV), or by playing video games, or by doing any of the millions of activities that we do “together” but not.
Sometimes I wish I was Amish. I would have my community for fellowship and entertainment, my faith for guidance, and no distractions from what is truly important.
Then again, I’d have to work REALLY hard, my hygiene would be lacking, and I’d probably have to marry my cousin/brother/uncle as there would be no other options…….