Tuesday, February 3, 2009

options and decisions

Thank you all for your advice and support. I understand this isn’t the end of the world, it just threw a great big wrench in my plans, and I’m still trying to work out where to go from here….

The Hubs and I have not had a chance to sit down and actually talk about this yet. I think we’re both kind of afraid of having that conversation….. it can go so many different ways!

Option 1: we save up money and wait until we have enough to do an IUI. Neither of us is very good at saving, despite our best efforts. Pros: We won’t be going into debt, so that will be one less thing to worry about. Cons: This could take a very long time, and if the first one doesn’t take, we’ll have to do it again, which means we’ll have to take that time to save up for another round, and that means waiting some more. I’m not good at waiting, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now…

Option 2: We look into a payment plan with the RE’s office. Pros: We get to go ahead with IUI sooner rather than later. Cons: The chances of the Hubs going for this are slim. He doesn’t really like owing people money.

Option 3: We look into getting another credit card. This is probably not going to happen for the same reason as number 2. Also, interest sucks.

Option 4: I work out like a madwoman and actually stick to a diet, and we hope and pray that I start ovulating again and we can do this the old fashioned way. Pros: I’ll get skinny and healthy. (this is a big pro that I’m working on anyway) Cons: Again with the waiting and trying. Plus, who knows if/when I’ll ever ovulate on my own. I haven’t ovulated without being medically treated since about 3 years ago.

Option 5: We scrap the whole IF treatment thing and look into adoption. Pros: This was my original plan. I had always felt that if I wasn’t able to get pregnant on my own, it would mean that God was trying to tell me that I needed to adopt. (and really, who could have predicted this? My mom had 6 kids, and my sister got knocked up on accident. Twice. Once with twins. Because her ovaries got really excited and spit out 2 eggs.) Also, I would be raising a child that, otherwise, might not have love in his/her life.
Cons: Adoption is expensive. It can be really involved and take a really long time to get an infant. Also, I’ve tossed the idea up in the air a few times, and the Hubs isn’t 100% on board with it. There are many reasons, and none that are baseless.

The one option that is completely out of the question for me is the one where we choose to live childless. I know I won’t be able to handle that. It would absolutely kill me to never have a little voice call me “Mommy.” I’m not strong enough to struggle with this for 5 or 10 or more years before finally having a child. I’ve been praying so hard about this for so long, and I still don’t have an answer. I know which direction I’m leaning toward, but I’m only slightly leaning that way. How do I know what is the best way to go? How will I know if I've made the right decision? More importantly, what will happen if the Hubs and I can't come to a decision we're both at peace with?


Staci said...

im sorry....im soo sorry :(

Staci said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Staci said...

im sorry....im soo sorry :(

FatGuySpeaks said...

When everything seems to be at a standstill is always when something you least expect to happen.

I'm still one who struggles with God's decisions on a daily basis, but then again, who doesn't. For the two of you, it seems that the most likely option is probably the right option.

I know you both want to be parents, and when all is said and done, there are no two other people who I believe are more ready for that role...but then again, perhaps God is telling you that you're trying too hard.

When you want something so desperately, and no matter how simple or selfless it seems, it still has root in selfishness. Is it selfish to want to have a child (or two or three or four?) No, of course it isn't...but it is. Your impatience is what makes you "weak," but it can be turned into a strength. You want something so badly that you forget that when He is ready to provide, He will. It is when we question what it is that He is bringing into our lives that we forget to see all that He all ready has. Through your impatience, you begin to be blind to all the blessings that surround you daily.

It is through God that all things are possible; and that includes blessing the two of you with a child of your own SOMEDAY.

In other words, does it suck? Yes.
Do you have the love and support of EVERYONE around you. The answer to that is also yes. Your prayers aren't going unanswered, Jill. Just think of it as the big guy is answering them "In the order they were received." He'll get to you, and the love that you two are storing up for the child that will one day grace all of our lives will be boundless.

He loves you. And in case you didn't know, we do too.

Take care. Love you guys.

Michelle said...

I know exactly what you are saying. I hate waiting yet I still have to save money to pay for IVF. This whole thing sucks! Hang in there!

Rebecca said...

I think I wrote that exact entry not long ago. I don't have any sage advice...I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in all these decisions. The struggles you're dealing with are the exact same ones I'm dealing with (which option, how do we finance it, can't get loans or credit cards because my hubby is like yours and doesn't like owing)...the similarities are just amazing. I'm sorry I can't help with the advice, but if you need a comrade in all this, I'm here. I will keep praying that a viable option comes to fruition for us both. (((HUGS)))

andrea said...

i just want to give you a great big hug. whatever happens/whatever you decide - i hope it is what is in your heart

Megan said...

I'm sorry that you have to face these decisions and the prospect of waiting. I'm sure the right decision will come to you. I'm a big believer in following your gut.

Rebecca said...

Just wanted to check in with you and see how the decision making was going. I've been thinking about you, and hoping that you're coming to terms with the task at hand. :)