17 years ago today....

17 years ago today I found out that my grandpa had died. 17 years. Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been so long, and other times it seems like forever…

I want to tell you all about him, but I’m not sure that words can capture the man that he was. He was an army veteran and a veteran’s advocate. He worked blue collar jobs, and was president of his local VFW chapter. He didn’t have a lot of money, but would give you the shirt off of his back (literally) if you needed it. He opened his home to anyone in need. He never swore. Even in combat. He thought that using swear words meant that you had a limited vocabulary. If he was at home, and sitting, he was probably asleep or falling asleep. He snored. Loudly. He smoked a lot. He taught his last dog how to bark by getting down on his hands and knees in the living room and making barking noises at her. He looked larger than life in a business suit (his normal attire) and short and frail in a sweat suit. He had a pair of pants that he called his “snicker” pants- they were so crazy and ugly that people would “snicker” at him when he wore them. He loved them! He used to come over on Saturday mornings and bring me doughnuts from Krispy Kreme that had pink icing and sprinkles.

He was one of my favorite people the whole world.

I saw him the night he died. I was at Acme with my mom and he and my Gram walked in the door while we were going toward the check-out. I was excited because I was supposed to go to a pool party the next day. They suggested that they pick me up and take me to dinner afterwards (to celebrate my good last report card.) It was going to be the BEST DAY EVER!

I remember the last hug I gave my grandpa. I always gave him my best hugs. I remember that I didn’t want to let go, so while I was walking away, I ran my hand down his arm and held his hand until we weren’t close enough to touch anymore. He smiled.

My Gram told me, later, that the last conversation they ever had was about where to take me for dinner.

HUNDREDS of people came to pay their respects at his viewing. People were lined up outside the building and down the block to say goodbye to the man that I called “Grandpa.” Even at 10 years old, I was in awe of the number of lives that he touched.

17 years ago, and I can remember it like it was yesterday. 17 years feels like a lifetime.

I love you, Grandpa. Even after 17 years, I can still feel you with me. I pray that I can teach my children the values that you instilled in me during the short time we existed on this planet together. I know that, when I hear the first cry of my baby, you will be smiling down on us with pride and celebration.

IF in Hollywood(ish)

On the 4th of July, the Hallmark Channel showed a series of movies that I had been wanting to watch, so I recorded them. They were about a frontier family surviving in the 1880’s and beyond. I’m pretty sure they’re based on books, and they all had the word Love in the title. Anyway, that’s not important.

I had been watching a movie here and there when I’ve had time. Last night I finished the series with the movie “Love finds a Home.” This movie made me, as someone who struggled with IF for two years, SOOOOOOOO INCREDIBLY ANGRY! I mean, I guess it was what I should have expected, but I was really hoping it would be handled differently.

The movie is set in a small town in Missouri. A woman (Belinda) is the town’s doctor, and her very pregnant friend (Annie), also a doctor, comes to visit during the last stages of her pregnancy. Belinda is very excited to see her friend, but is conflicted at the same time. Belinda and her husband have been trying for an unspecified amount of time to get pregnant, and haven’t had any luck.

The actress who played Belinda did a really good job in portraying the conflicting feelings that often accompanies IF. The movie did a really good job in handling the issue. There is even a scene where Belinda is telling Annie how hard it is for her to be around people who are pregnant, and how she almost resents a lot of people she knows who have lots of kids and have never really tried. I could really identify with this part of the story.

Later on in the movie, Annie is having complications, and Belinda thinks that it would be best for Annie to stay until after the baby is born. They telegraph Annie’s husband and mother in law to tell them of the recent events, and Annie’s Mother in Law (played by the always fabulous Patty Duke), who is a midwife, decides that she needs to be there. The Doctor (Belinda) and the midwife don’t see eye to eye… blah, blah, blah plot stuff.

Eventually, the mother in law ( I really can’t remember the character’s name) finds out that Belinda is barren. Because she’s a midwife, and knows this stuff, she gives Belinda some unsolicited advice. Can you guess what it was? I bet you can…..

The advice: Relax. Read a book before bed. This is the magical cure for infertility.

At this point, I screamed at the television.

Belinda, being the doctor, thought it was a bunch of crap. (YAY BELINDA) More plot stuff happened, and Belinda and the mother in law ended up learning from each other, in true Hallmark Movie fashion. At the end of the movie, guess what happened? (I bet you can guess this one, too.) That’s right, kids! Belinda decides that she’ll start reading a book before bed. And THEN guess what?! The movie ended with her getting pregnant. Surprise!

Look, if you know me in real life, you know that I am a sucker for cheesy movies with happy endings. I usually cry. This one, though, even though it was really good in parts, made me want to throw my TV through a wall.

Did anyone else in Bloggy Land see this movie? What did you think? Is there a movie or book you have read that gave you a reaction similar to mine?

Dreams and Reality

All through this pregnancy so far, I’ve been led and comforted by dreams. For example:

~ I can’t remember the first dream I had, but I woke up that morning with the very strong feeling that I needed to take a HPT. And I know that strong feeling was a direct result of the dream I had that night. The test was positive.

~ Before my 6w appt, when I was supposed to see the heartbeat, I had a dream that I could feel the heartbeat when I put my hand on my stomach. I knew it was the baby’s because it was really fast, but strong. I saw the heartbeat on the u/s monitor

~ This morning, I woke up a little bit worried, because I had had a dream that I woke up to lots of blood. I went to the Dr (in the dream), and they told me that I wasn’t miscarrying, but I couldn’t remember what the cause was. I went to the Dr this morning, and had a pap done. (yay.) The Dr told me that I would have some spotting afterward (which I’ve never had before when I’ve had that done), but it wouldn’t cause a loss. Good thing he warned me! I went to give the urine sample and there was REALLY HEAVY spotting going on. I guess that explains last night’s dream.

I really hope these dreams keep on coming…. It’s really nice to get a little bit of Divine comfort every now and then! ( And I truly believe that these dreams are God’s way of speaking to me. It really keeps my anxiety in check, which is probably the reason for them. I’m sure high anxiety is not good for the baby!)

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I heard the heartbeat today! It was so strong! I really have a living person growing inside of me. It’s still so hard to believe……. Amazing.

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I had to stop in the Motherhood (maternity) store yesterday to pick up a Bella Band. (Suddenly, all of 2 pairs of my pants fit me, and they won’t for long!) When you buy something there, they give you a “gift bag” full of coupons and samples. The one I got yesterday had a bottle in it. Just a small, plain, baby bottle.

I’ve seen MILLIONS of bottles before- but when I picked it up, it felt like it was the first time I had ever held one. It was MINE. For MY baby. And in seven months, I will be using that bottle to feed MY baby. I could almost feel the weight of the baby in my automatically crooked arm. I could almost see the sweet little face looking up at me with the wise, knowing eyes that most people are born with. For the first time in 2 months, I felt a real attachment to the baby I am carrying. For the first time, it felt real.

Life in general.

I haven’t been posting much. I feel like a bad blogger. I guess it doesn’t matter much, though, since about 10 people read my blog! I have been updating my Twitter QUITE often, though, so follow me!

Things have been really crazy around these parts lately. I’ve been having a lot of fatigue/ dizziness/ headaches lately. Not so fun at work- especially when I sit under florescent lights and stare at a computer screen all day. By early afternoon every day, I end up sitting at my desk and crying. Good times!

I’m an actress! I’m in a play that my BFF is directing. It’s a small role, and all proceeds are going to support the Children’s Hospital, so it’s really worth it to me….. The downside? It makes for REALLY long days and gives me a lot less time to sleep at night. I’ve only been rehearsing 1-2 days a week, but after next week I will be there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT until the show closes in mid-August. My poor husband! (and his poor arteries! Every time he has to cook for himself, its deep fried something. I hope my doing this show doesn’t cause him to have a heart attack! My baby needs a daddy!)

Our Holiday weekend was really low-key. Everyone congregated over at my mom’s house and sat around and then we all went to fireworks. As much as I LOVE big celebrating on holidays, it’s really nice to have a quiet one every once in a while.

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On a more somber note, my husband’s grandfather passed away yesterday afternoon. He was such a sweet, funny, kind hearted man- definitely my favorite of his grandparents. The last time I saw him was on Father’s Day, when we told them about the baby. He looked better than I had seen him look in a REALLY long time, and we were all joking around and talking about baby stuff.

He was 90 years old. He and his wife lived by themselves in a trailer until about 2 months ago, when they moved to a nursing home because she has been having a lot of back pain and can’t move herself around. He took care of her single-handedly for so many years! Did he finally let go because he knew she would be taken care of?

It’s going to be so strange to not have him around. He was an amazing man, and he will be greatly missed.