Just Mom

I realized the other day that, in a few short months, someone is going to look at me and see only “Mom.” This is crazy to me. On one hand, it’s SOO FREAKIN COOL, but on the other, it almost feels like the loss of my identity.

You know how, when you’re young, you look at your parents and they hardly seem like humans? They’re just “Mom” and “Dad.” It’s hard to imagine them as the people they were before you were born. It’s hard to imagine them as who they are independent of you. (Kids are very self-centered. Why is that?) I can’t tell you when it finally clicked for me that my mom is more than JUST my mom, and my dad is more than JUST my dad. They have lives, friends, personalities. I can say, though, that it wasn’t until recently. Maybe sometime in college?

When Hannah is born, for a very long time, I will just be “Mom” to her. What does that mean? Will I lose my identity? Will I lose my sense of self? Will I get so wrapped up in loving and caring for her that I forget who Jill is? I know, even now, that I would gladly give my life for her. She is already in my every thought. It feels like my entire life right now is revolving around bringing her into this world happy and healthy. I don’t resent it- just the opposite. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity (even though I’m kind of a wuss and complain about it a lot.) When she’s born, will I willingly give myself up to be her mom? Will I miss being just me? Will I resent her for taking away my “freedom?” I know I won’t, but it’s still something I worry about….

dreams and reality

I had a dream about her last night. She was perfect and pink and wrinkly, and she had her daddy’s nose. Up until now, I’ve only ever dreamed about having boys. Even after I found out that she was a she. Strange, huh?

In my dream, I went into labor, and was in and out of the hospital within 2 hours. I never fed her until after she was 24 hours old, because it suddenly occurred to me that she probably needed to eat. So then I tried to breastfeed and realized that I had NO idea what I was doing, and she only wanted to eat from one side- wouldn’t have anything to do with the other.

When she was 2 days old, I brought her into work to show her off. I’m sorry- what?!

I can’t really remember the rest, because all I could think of was how stupid I was being…

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~I’m feeling pretty good right now. I’ve had pop up visits from my buddy Morning Sickness every now and then for the past week or so. Super fun.

~The GD still sucks. I’m on glyburide to control my fasting numbers, but they keep slowly creeping up. I’m probably going to have to increase my dosage after my visit next week. It would be really great if I could go more than a week with good numbers. Oh well, at least I can control the rest of my numbers with my diet *looking for some wood to knock on.*

~I’m looking forward to the holidays this year. I know I’ll have fun, but I keep thinking about next year. Next year, I’ll have a baby that I will dress up in her first Halloween costume. We’ll buy her first Christmas dress. I’ll get to play Santa for the first time. She’ll be 10 months old, so she might just be able to open a few presents (with a little bit of help from Mommy or Daddy.) I can imagine what it will all be like, but I know reality will be so much different…. I’m so excited to live it out!

The Chinese Gender Predictors really know what they're doing!

I’m in shock! We’re having a GIRL!

We’ll get to meet Hannah Claire on or around Feb 20, 2010.

We're super excited, but thought FOR SURE she was going to be a boy. Not so much!