Friday, October 30, 2009

Just Mom

I realized the other day that, in a few short months, someone is going to look at me and see only “Mom.” This is crazy to me. On one hand, it’s SOO FREAKIN COOL, but on the other, it almost feels like the loss of my identity.

You know how, when you’re young, you look at your parents and they hardly seem like humans? They’re just “Mom” and “Dad.” It’s hard to imagine them as the people they were before you were born. It’s hard to imagine them as who they are independent of you. (Kids are very self-centered. Why is that?) I can’t tell you when it finally clicked for me that my mom is more than JUST my mom, and my dad is more than JUST my dad. They have lives, friends, personalities. I can say, though, that it wasn’t until recently. Maybe sometime in college?

When Hannah is born, for a very long time, I will just be “Mom” to her. What does that mean? Will I lose my identity? Will I lose my sense of self? Will I get so wrapped up in loving and caring for her that I forget who Jill is? I know, even now, that I would gladly give my life for her. She is already in my every thought. It feels like my entire life right now is revolving around bringing her into this world happy and healthy. I don’t resent it- just the opposite. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity (even though I’m kind of a wuss and complain about it a lot.) When she’s born, will I willingly give myself up to be her mom? Will I miss being just me? Will I resent her for taking away my “freedom?” I know I won’t, but it’s still something I worry about….


Alissa said...

Things will definitely be different and who you are WILL change. It's not a bad thing though! :-) However, and it sounds like you know this already, you have to WORK to continue to keep "Jill pre-kids" alive. I struggle with it all the time myself, but my kiddos are totally worth it.

Beautiful Mess said...

It can be a difficult adjustment, but not at first. At first you will be totally fine with having her be your world. As she gets older, you will wonder where "you" went. That's when you HAVE to take time for yourself. It's always important, obviously, but especially so when you feel as if you're losing yourself. You will do fine, though! I have NO doubts about it, hon!

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. Congratulations on your pregnancy. You're right. You do loose something when you became a mother, but you gain so much more! I'll be back to read more of your lovely blog soon.

Serendipity said...

This totally freaks me out as well - how do I keep hold of my own identity when everything I have will be wrapped up in being that person for bub?

I also freak out about what it means for me and my husband - we've always been just us two, how will that change when both of us are focussed on the little one.

I figure we just have to muddle through and make sure we take time out from being mum and dad and just be us.