Whatever Wednesday

Time for another installment of “Whatever Wednesday!”



~ Long story short: Like everyone else in the world, I have some family members that I choose not to associate with because they’re just not good people. One particular cousin is white trash at its white trashiest. This “woman” has 4 children. She abused them in every possible way. When I was 18, they all stayed with my family for a couple of months between houses. I got to witness this abuse first hand, and it almost killed me. Every time I heard her tell these children that they were stupid or not good enough, I wanted to take something big and heavy and throw it at her head. I wanted to save those children, but I was too young. There was nothing I could do except tell them that I thought they were beautiful and worth so much more than they were being told. I haven’t seen them since they left my house after that “visit.” Fast forward to yesterday. One of the kids, K, found me on myspace and sent me a friend request. She’s 19 and now has 3 children. Her oldest was conceived when she was 14 and hanging out with her mom at bars. I’m pretty sure the daddy was in his late 20’s or early 30’s. It breaks my heart to see them all now, knowing what they’ve gone through in their short lives…. and I’m sure I haven’t even heard a fraction of it. I cried for hours last night because I just couldn’t save them………… no matter how badly I wanted to.



~ The Hubbs is sick. Pros: He slept in the basement (it’s easier to breathe down there when you’re sick… it’s cooler and there is a reclining sofa down there) so I got the whole big bed to myself last night. It was SO nice! Cons: men SUCK when they’re sick. Apparently sick with a cold means they can’t move as soon as there’s someone around to take care of them. I’m sure he did fine yesterday while I was gone, but as soon as I got home, he was an invalid. Men.



~ It’s Wednesday… that means I only have 2 more days until I can sleep in.



~ I complain a lot, huh?



~ I really want to see 2 movies: Wall-e (VERY drive-in worthy) and The Dark Knight. I have a huge crush on Christian Bale and have ever since I saw him in Newsies. He’s one sexy mofo. I think it’s his smile… there’s something so appealing about his crooked smile………. Excuse me while I wipe the drool off of my chin.

It's funny 'cause it's true

I found this on my google home page today:

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

Ellen DeGeneres

The one where I cry a little.

It doesn’t get any easier, does it? For over a year now, the Hubbs and I have been trying to make a baby. It was exciting at first. Then it got to be not so exciting. Then I started to get a dull ache when looking at a pregnant woman or someone with a squishy sweet infant (or motor mouth toddler, or over active child…. You get the picture.) Then, for a while, especially during my 104 day cycle, I couldn’t even look at them without wanting to scream in frustration. I thought it would go on like that until I got myself good and knocked up. Then I hit the one year mark.



Last month was the “official” one year mark of trying. With my PCOS, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it would take a while to get pregnant. I had prepared myself for the disappointment and the heartache that I knew was to come. I told myself to accept it as a fact and move on. I don’t know what changed last month, and I’m not sure I can put it into words, but it’s more than an ache that I feel. Resignation, maybe? Hopelessness? It’s not really a physical pain anymore like it used to be…. I feel broken. I feel like part of me is just missing. Hollow and empty and lonely….but not quite.



I’m tired of charting, but I almost don’t have a choice. I need to know if I’m ovulating or not… especially with my history of long, anovulatory cycles. Since I refuse to test unless it hits 18 dpo and Good Ol’ Aunt Flo is nowhere in sight, I’m stuck. It’s just too hard to see a negative. Also, HPTs get expensive.



I’ve been seeing a lot of signs and commercials and fliers for adoption and foster care. Is it a sign? Does it mean that I’m not ever going to get pregnant, so I should give up trying and look in to adopting? I said before that I’m not going to get into IUI or IVF cycles. They just aren’t for me…. Mostly because I’m not going to stick myself with needles unless I absolutely HAVE to, plus there’s a million kids out there who need loving homes, and I can provide one. I want to adopt, but I also want to have biological children. I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to do both. I want it all. Is it too much to ask if I ask for everything?



So I spent as much time as possible with the Littles. When they were born, I finally understood how people can say that they would die for someone else. Mackenzie calls me Mom. Or Aunt Mom. She’ll say Aunt Em (or Emmy) or Aunt Meg, but when she sees me, it’s always Mom or Aunt Mom. Recently she’s been correcting people who call me Aunt Jill. She says “No, Aunt Mom.” OK, Little… whatever floats your boat! They make my life a little bit easier and a little bit lighter. They are how I know I could love someone unconditionally, even if I don’t give birth to them. They are my hope.



For any of you out there who have struggled or are struggling with infertility, or difficulty getting pregnant.... what is your hope? What is your little piece of light that makes the hurt not so bad? I really want to know.

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HELLLOOOO OUT THERE!

Hello my bloggy friends! I've been MIA for a while. Sorry about that! I was out living my life and didn't have time to blog about it. I know, that's crazy talk, right? Well, I'm back and I have to tell you... it's pretty exciting to see double digits in my comments section :) Comments rock. You guys rock. This whole blogging thing rocks!



What have I been doing that's so important that I can't even check in here, you ask? Ummmm alot of nothing, actually. I have a bit of a cold or allergies or something that keeps me coughing ALL THE TIME. I actually called off of work on Thursday because my co-workers were "annoyed" on Wednesday that I kept coughing. Right.... because I LOVE coughing so much that I do it for fun. So I took an extra long weekend and it was great!



Friday and Saturday were spent with my family. It's so great to be able to just chill out with the people that you love most in the world and eat summer only food and pretend that the rest of the world doesn't matter. The Littles were as adorable as always. It's so amazing just watching them grow up. Who knew that I would grow up to prefer the babblings and antics of 19 month olds to intellectual (or not) conversations with adults? Not me! I love those girls so much that I can't even imagine loving my own children as much. I know I will, and probably more, but it's just so hard to fathom.



Yesterday my puppy graduated from puppy obedience classes! YAY CHARLIE! He's such a showoff! He ignores us at home (of course) but as soon as we open the door of the car, he knows where he is and can't wait to show off what he can do. He made lots of friends. If I had the time, I'd love to make him a member of the Doggie Brigade and take him to visit the kids at Children's Hospital. I know he would LOVE that, and so would they, but "mommy" has to work and just doesn't have time for it. So sad.



In other news, We got to spend the holiday with a very special person. Kelly DePew is my best friend's sister and my sister's best friend. She just returned from her 2nd tour of Iraq with the Army. We all feel so grateful and blessed that she was able to return to us for the second time alive and in one piece. Welcome home, Kel! We love you!



I have so much more to talk about, but I think I'll save my thoughts for another post. I hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday weekend! Now back to the grindstone.......

Whatever Wednesday

Random rants:



~ I have a cold. I am coughing so much and so hard that I'm driving all of my co-workers crazy. I feel bad, but don't you think I'd do something about it? I mean, I took some cold meds this morning and I've been sucking on cough drops like it's my job. Also, I've been drinking hot tea and water all day. Am I missing something? I hate coughing.



~ Yesterday someone in another department (she's really strange and not so tactful) Pointed at me and said "PREGNANT!" and I said "No, you're thinking of N (another person in my dept). She had her baby a month ago." She then proceeded to follow me to where I was walking asking me a bunch of questions about if I have kids and if I want kids and if I plan on having them. I tried walking faster to lose her, but it didn't work. Finally she realized that she was hungry and walked away.



~ Another lady in another department looked at my pictures of my neices and, upon hearing that they were just my neices, asked me if I had kids. I said "no." She said "well you better get on that!"



~ I've only talked to each of these women a total of twice. Obviously they weren't taught manners.



~ I have a pile of work to do, and I REALLY am unmotivated to get it done. I'm blaming it on my cold.

You asked... my first car

When I was in high school my favorite teacher drove a big yellow banana type car that was falling apart and rusting like no one’s business. We all made fun of him.



As all of my friends started to turn 16 (I was the baby of the group) they started driving nice-ish cars. Saturns and Neons and Cavaliers…. All new and bought for them by their parents. For some reason, I assumed that I would receive the same treatment. (I think I was crazy, because, really? I was one of 6 children and my family wasn’t loaded by ANY means.) I was wrong. ::insert scary music here::



I wish I could find a picture of my lovely first car that I inherited from my great grandmother….. yes… that’s right…. My GREAT- GRANDMOTHER. She was a beauty, that car. She was a big yellow Oldsmobile Delta 88. With rust. LOTS of rust. In fact, there were several places that were so rusty that you could stick your fist through the holes. Very safe. Very Trendy. Very hard to drive. This thing was a BEAST! I had such a hard time maneuvering it, that I actually took out one of my friend’s mom’s bushes and drove around with branches sticking out of my bumper. It was so ugly that my friend’s brother once told me I was lowering the value of his car just by parking next to it. I hated that car.



One hot summer day I was on my way home from work. I was driving down a hill on a busy street, and my brakes gave out. I was lucky not to hit someone as I was weaving in and out of traffic, and I pulled the car into a big gravel parking lot that was (thankfully) mostly empty. The only thing that was between me and the back end of a semi was a “railing” of sorts… the kind with the concrete posts and a cable in between each. I hit the cable. It sliced between the grill of my car and the bumper straight through to my tires. It saved my life. There was glass and metal everywhere. 2 of the posts had been pulled out of the ground. The men who worked in the building came out to make sure that I didn’t hit any of their cars. They didn’t say a SINGLE WORD to me. I was peeved. Then a cop came and pumped the brakes and decided that I was lying and sited me for failure to control. I never saw the car again, and I’m ok with that.