Wednesday, March 25, 2009

PCOS sucks

I posted this on my local message board last night. It helped, but something kept bugging me to re-post it here. Some of it I’ve talked about before, and some of it I haven’t. It’s not anything deep or life changing, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out.


Warning: This is going to be long and whiny and exactly how I'm feeling right now.

I'm pissed off at the world. I'm angry that I keep gaining weight, my face is broken out like a teenager, the hair on top of my head is thinning, and my already embarrassing facial hair (due to being an Italian) is getting worse (because of PCOS). I feel like PCOS has taken over my entire identity. I don't recognize my body anymore. I'm self-conscious and it's hurting my marriage. I'm sure there is nothing sexier to a man than being with a woman who feels fat and ugly all the time. I hate that I have to choose between taking Metformin for my PCOS and Zoloft for my depression caused by my PCOS. I can't take them both at the same time if I want to keep my food down.

My husband doesn't get it. He tries, but he just doesn't. I'm out of words and I have no idea what to say or how to get him to understand how hard this is on me. I know that, in turn, it is just as hard on him, and it's such a vicious cycle that I have no idea which way is up.

I'm angry at myself because I can't seem to get healthy. I know I need to eat healthier, but the food is expensive, and I have such a hard time preparing it. Most of the "healthy" recipes that I've found and want to try have many ingredients in them that Paul doesn't like, and it's hard to work up the energy to cook 2 different meals. I need someone around who will encourage me without saying "don't eat that- it's not healthy" or "I'll believe it when I see it." I need someone who can lead by example without being the kind of person to get on a soap box expounding on the evils of processed food. I've never had to worry about what I put in my mouth before I got married (which is coincidentally when I got diagnosed with PCOS) and I'm sick and tired of trying so hard and then falling flat on my face.

I'm angry that I've been trying to start a family with my husband for almost 2 years and we've gotten nowhere. I don't understand why it has to cost so much for us to be parents. It doesn't matter if we do IF treatments or if we go to adopt, the cost is going to be ridiculous. I am so resentful of the people who *accidentally* get pregnant or that get pregnant on purpose to collect more money from the government. I don't understand why love and desire aren't enough. I'm mad at myself because I'm not pinching and scraping every penny together to get enough for an IUI. I want this more than anything, so WHY can't I get my ass into shape and do the work I need to do?! Why can't I just have a nice date night with my husband around CD14 and bring home a baby 9 months later?

I'm so worried that this is going to be the pattern for years in the future. We'll start to save a little bit of money, and then something will come up and we'll have to start at square one. I'm worried that we're never going to be parents. I'm worried that the only time I'll hear the word "Mom" is when it's in reference to someone else.

I've never really had big dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or a corporate business woman. I always wanted to grow up and get married and have a family. I didn't think I was asking too much....

18 comments:

Jendeis said...

I'm so sorry you're in this bad place, Jill. It just stinks. I'm here for you. Hugs!

Staci said...

oh girl i am sooo sorry!! can i do anything?? wish i could give you a big hug!!

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sorry you're so frustrated, hon. Thinking of you and sending you a hug.

Michelle said...

I know exactly what you mean. Wow, so Metformin and Zoloft together make you sick? I take them both and have not had any problems other then the usual problems you have when you start Metformin. PCOS definitely sucks! I a sorry you are feeling this way and I hope they get better soon!

Mary said...

Okay, Jill. Your post is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now. Every word of it. On top of all my other issues I just got diagnosed with PCOS (mild) and a blood clotting disorder today. This is crazy. Why can't it just be easy for us? And having to pay so much money to have a baby is obscene. Seriously. I'm sorry you are in the same shitty boat as me. Blah.

Anonymous said...

Jill, have you thought about trying Chaste Berry (Vitex brand) and Black Cohosh? Please do some research on these. Women with PCOS have found them to be successful in balancing hormones that are being produced inadequately otherwise. They're very inexpensive. My Dr wasn't prescribing anything that worked for me. I used these and finally ovulated normally and got pregnant.

ttcwithpcos said...

Hi Jill,

Just wanted to say hi and cheer you up. It is very possible to get pregnant with PCOS. I know it can get pretty depressing when things aren't happening and it feels like you've been trying forever. Take a look around my site http://www.ttcwithpcos.homestead.com and see if anything there helps. You can always direct message me on Twitter at GetPGwithPCOS if you have any questions or just need some encouragement.

Amanda said...

Hi Jill, I've never been to your blog before but saw you were needing some help on LFCA. I haven't dabbled too much in the 'holistic treatments' but I've been doing acupuncture for a while and been happy with the results so far, but it's expensive and it sounds like that might be an issue.

I really hear you on the thinning hair... my hair was thinning and and my mom is VERY thin on top so too am worried about my scalp. I started taking a biotin supplement and have seen big improvements in my hair and nails. My hair is stronger and thicker and biotin is dirt cheap. I buy the Spring Valley wal-mart stuff and it's ~$4 for 150 pills. It's one of those 'can't hurt' things.

And I've been plagued with acne my whole life. I've got a great cleanser now that really helps me better than anything else I've tried (and I really have tried it all). Check out my acne post and see if you can get any ideas from that (http://impatientwithpcos.blogspot.com/2008/09/acne.html).

I hope you find some stuff that works for you. Good luck.

{Mrs.M} said...

Jill,
I SO get all of your frustrations. It can't just be ONE thing can it??? I think you're doing the best thing in reaching out to people who are in the same boat as you are. I find it so therapeutic to sit down and vent my frustrations via my blog. I hope you know that you have a big PCOS family to lean on. Things will get better, just try and take it one day at a time, that's all we can do. Thinking good, positive thoughts for you!

1tsp-grace said...

Sometimes you've got to have a good vent! I can identify. My hypothyroidism messes with my self-image and fertility.

Thanks so much for stopping by my "blog" and for your incredibly supportive comment. I really appreciate it.

ICLW

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Anonymous said...

Just found your post and am feeling the exact same way at the moment. Married in '06, diagnosed with PCOS last year when we started ttc, and am incredibly frustrated at the prospect of paying thousands of dollars to have a chance at something that so many people have easily "for free" or worse - pay to get rid of!
Anyway, I'm so very happy to see that you are expecting now - very encouraging for my own journey. Do you mind sharing what finally worked for you?
Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

Hey,
I totally get you. It sucks... I was diagnosed with PCOS about 3 years ago. The weight is awful, hair everywhere, acne is gross, low self esteem and to top it all off I was just diagnosed with a liver tumor relating to off wack hormones yesterday. All of this stress with the PCOS and tumor has been messing with my school work and grades this year and it's awful. I'm only 20 and it makes me really worried about my chances of having a child some day. If I'm having all of these problems NOW, how bad is it going to be for me down the road... I hope all of us girls can find it to be easier to deal with in the future.

Danielle said...

I feel yea I am tryin to loss wieght and I cant and all my rineds around me are pregnant and I cant unless I go through all this crap I just make you want die I am sorry you hurt and I so feel your pain

Meagan Camilleri said...

Hate to hear about what your going through at the moment. I am in a bit of a bind myself at the moment. I'm taking Yasmin to treat my PCOS but it's causing serious depression and my relationship was close to ending because of it so have just started taking anti depressants now and fingers crossed that will work otherwise have to go back on Aldactone again.
I understand the thinning hair thing too. I spend close to $3000 a year on hair treatments so I don't lose my hair and my hair is still thin.
I have myself lost over 30kg's. It was tough but I cut as much processed foods out of my diet as I could. Combined that with exercise (will help combat the depression I promise) There are plenty of interesting and quick 15 minute meals out there. Perhaps you could have the healthier salads and use that as a side dish for your husband? Personally I'd tell him to cook for himself or eat what he is given but that's just me lol :)
It's incredible how much the weight loss will treat your symptoms.. I now get regular periods and no longer have to take metphormin. I'm also able to take a lower dose of aldactone if need be. I do still have my pimple outbreaks but find that with yasmin they are less and I don't put weight back on like I did on Brenda or Diane.
ALSO
My cousin has both PCOS and endometriosis. She tried for years to have kids using IVF and failed... she did however do did a healthy plan called Mass Attack. They assist women with pcos. She now has 2 sons. Her first son is now 6 and he was an accident!!
http://www.massattack.com.au/

I'm not sure what end of the world your from however, it is all done online.. I did this plan myself and the food is great and really does help with your PCOS. So maybe you can contact them and see if you can do it.. from what I remember it wasn't too expensive at all.

I really hope that one day they bring out better treatments. I'm over all the waxing appointments :P but until then we can only work to improve as many areas as we can at a time.

All the best with everything and keep your head up. :D

beth said...

just googled "PCOS sucks"...and I found your blog! I'm glad to see that this was a bump in the road and you are now pregnant. Keep your head up. :)