Thursday, September 4, 2008

IF.....

Infertility sucks. Only those of us who experience the monthly disappointment can understand. We want to say that it doesn’t define us- it’s not who we are- but it does and it is. It’s huge. It’s the elephant in the room. It makes it so hard to have, and keep, IRL friends. Am I the only one who thinks this?



I live my life. I have fun. I enjoy the things I have. Always, though, I have the thought in the back of my head of children and IF. Isn’t it appropriate that the abbreviation for infertility is IF? As in: IF this cycle works (or doesn’t….) IF the drugs I’m pumping into my body actually make my ovaries produce eggs… What IF I get pregnant this cycle, but then something goes wrong….. IF I have to be put on bed rest and can’t work…. IF I get pregnant with multiples…. IF we spend all of our savings on treatments and then have nothing to show for it- and no money left to adopt…. SO MANY IF’s…… and no one understands, unless they have gone through it.



I’m in such a different place than a lot of my RL friends. Some of them are married and not wanting kids, some are parents or pregnant, some are not married and are still dating around. The grass is always greener, though. Some of my unmarried friends envy that I have a husband and a house and everything that comes along with that. Sometimes I envy that they still get to experience the “falling in love” part, and the fun of dating. Some of my parent friends sometimes envy the freedom that comes with being childless. All the time I envy the fact that they got to experience being pregnant. They got to feel their child(ren) moving and coming to life inside of them. They get to experience the bittersweet joy of every “first”….. I find it SO HARD not to resent that- even though these people are so undeserving of my resentment.



It’s so easy to shrink back out of the world. It’s so easy not to pick up the phone and talk to someone. It’s so easy to become isolated. It’s so easy to not realize that you have, in turn, isolated people who love you and want you in their lives. It’s so easy to hurt people who love you because you don’t want to, or can’t, share your hurt with them. Why is it that the hurting and isolation are the easiest things to come along with IF?

10 comments:

Becky said...

I have no good words of wisdom and certainly cannot tell you I know how it feels. All I know is that you are a strong woman and this will only make you stronger. Know that you do have friends (like me!) out there that care for you and want nothing but the best. Hang in there chica.

Beautiful Mess said...

Rough days suck! Especially when you can not get out of your head and that's all you want to do. Hang in there, I'm with Becky...you're strong and you will get through this rough patch. I know it's oh so easy NOT to pick up the phone, or send an email, or even to open your mouth, but I swear it helps! I wish you peace and you can find someone to talk to. Sending you a big hug!
-D

Lindsey said...

IRL friends? i never understand half of what you talk about because i don't know what all these initials stand for. but i do know that IF is not who you are and it does not define you. you are a beautiful, smart, caring, funny, warm, sensitive, woman. we all go through slumps and have a hard time reaching out. it's up to your friends to be there in those times, and i have to admit, for a long time i didn't have a clue what you were going through, and now that i do, i don't know exactly what you need. but i'm going to try harder. i promise.

My Infertility Diaries said...

I know what ya mean. There are most days where EVERYTHING reminds me of IF. I did pull away from people because you feel like they don't really understand your pain. Just know you have us...we understand completely. I am sorry you are having a crappy day....and I pray that tomorrow is better and brighter for you. I guess I just wanted you to know you are not alone...I do the same thing!! I am still working on not isolating, but somedays it is hard. HUGS!!!!!!

Mandy said...

NO, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have spent so many days and nights sobbing about the same exact feelings. I sometimes wonder where I get the strength to get out of bed in the morning. I can't say it got easier for me, maybe I just got used to the pain-i don't know. I know its hard. And as much as someone who has never experienced this tries to understand, they never will, and that is okay. But they need to understand and respect your feelings and frusterations, not try to change them. If you need a shoulder, let me know. I have definitly been there!!

Mrs. S said...

Hey, I found you through Mrs. R & I'm so glad I did.
My best friend is IF so I definitely won't say I understand, but I know she would. Your posts are a lot like hers and our talks together.
So I understand that it's so hard to have RL friends, but those that are worth keeping will make your part of the upkeeping of friendship easier (if that made any sense). Like, they'll try to be in your life. It's hard to open up but know that they'll just listen if you need them to. That's what I do. I talk if my friend needs it, listen if she needs it. Be her shoulder to cry on or hope with her. It's hard but it's worth it and you sound like that kind of worthwhile person, too.

Brenda Jean said...

It took me four years to get pregnant-- you expressed my feelings back then. Even 3 kids later I can remember them so well. {{{{HUGS}}}} I wish there had been blogs then-- I wasn't even online, and it was very lonely. Hang in there, and write about your feelings A lOT. It helps to get it out.

What A Card said...

Big hugs to you. IF does change you forever. I found you through SITS and am so glad I did. And don't worry if you don't want to visit my blog. Feel free to skip it since it's largely about my twins (our miracle babies after 3 years of IF and on our 11th cycle of treatment!)

If you haven't looked into yet, I'd try to find a local IF support group. The women I met that way became some of my best friends, and it was so nice to have a group I could be open with without fear of sounding too whiny or angry or sad.

Good luck to you!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Oh honey. This was me 8 years ago. I know how you felt, b/c I experienced all those feelings too.

Hang in there.

(Found ya thru the SITS gals.)

Rela Pantaleon-Manigsaca said...

We all live separate lives even if we are immediate family, close friends or nearby neighbors. So even if some know about our struggles, most of them come in and out as we move through our monthly process.

But I am like that, too, to most of the people in my circle of influence. It may not be IF they are struggling with but maybe some disease, some loss, some adjustments.

But I have a faithful friend in Christ, even if I am too engrossed with my life. So that's the relationship that I keep coming back to again and again because I know He does not let me down.

I'm still in the trenches...and time is "running out", so they say...