Infertility sucks. Only those of us who experience the monthly disappointment can understand. We want to say that it doesn’t define us- it’s not who we are- but it does and it is. It’s huge. It’s the elephant in the room. It makes it so hard to have, and keep, IRL friends. Am I the only one who thinks this?
I live my life. I have fun. I enjoy the things I have. Always, though, I have the thought in the back of my head of children and IF. Isn’t it appropriate that the abbreviation for infertility is IF? As in: IF this cycle works (or doesn’t….) IF the drugs I’m pumping into my body actually make my ovaries produce eggs… What IF I get pregnant this cycle, but then something goes wrong….. IF I have to be put on bed rest and can’t work…. IF I get pregnant with multiples…. IF we spend all of our savings on treatments and then have nothing to show for it- and no money left to adopt…. SO MANY IF’s…… and no one understands, unless they have gone through it.
I’m in such a different place than a lot of my RL friends. Some of them are married and not wanting kids, some are parents or pregnant, some are not married and are still dating around. The grass is always greener, though. Some of my unmarried friends envy that I have a husband and a house and everything that comes along with that. Sometimes I envy that they still get to experience the “falling in love” part, and the fun of dating. Some of my parent friends sometimes envy the freedom that comes with being childless. All the time I envy the fact that they got to experience being pregnant. They got to feel their child(ren) moving and coming to life inside of them. They get to experience the bittersweet joy of every “first”….. I find it SO HARD not to resent that- even though these people are so undeserving of my resentment.
It’s so easy to shrink back out of the world. It’s so easy not to pick up the phone and talk to someone. It’s so easy to become isolated. It’s so easy to not realize that you have, in turn, isolated people who love you and want you in their lives. It’s so easy to hurt people who love you because you don’t want to, or can’t, share your hurt with them. Why is it that the hurting and isolation are the easiest things to come along with IF?