Monday, May 11, 2009

unexpected emotions

I wasn’t going to write this post. I wasn’t going to get on my blog and write about how much yesterday sucked. Quite honestly, most of the day DIDN’T suck. It was really mostly just a day of hanging out with family like normal. It was nice.

There’s one thing that has been bugging me, though. We went to church yesterday with my husband’s family. I’m REALLY not a fan of that particular church, but I put on a happy face, because that’s just what you do. So we were sitting in the pews and listening to the minister talk about mother’s day and ask questions of the ridiculously adorable children of the congregation. At the end of the discussion, the minister asked all of the moms in the congregation to stand up. I expected that.

I didn’t expect, however, the feeling that came over me. I didn’t feel mad or sad or disappointed or indifferent. What I felt was humiliated. Even as I sat there, I knew what I was feeling was crazy. Aside from my in-laws, I didn’t know anyone there, and I probably would never run into them again. They didn’t know my story. They didn’t know that I desperately wanted to be one of the women standing. For all anyone else knew, I was just a young woman who didn’t have kids. For all they knew, I could be someone who didn’t want kids, or just wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility.

So I sat there and applauded the mothers and smiled at the kids who were passing out “Happy Mother’s Day” key chains to everyone standing up. I did the best I could to hide the tears in my eyes, and was fully prepared to shrug it off as allergies if I was asked. I was so ashamed that I wanted to run out of the building and hide in my car and sob. I stayed, because I didn’t want to cause a scene.

Eventually the feeling faded and I was able to get through the rest of the service. As soon as it was over, though, I was out of there. I’m not sure why I had the reaction that I did. I guess I’m putting this out there because keeping it inside makes the feeling even stronger- like I should be hiding it- and I know that it’s not something to hide.


Amanda said...

They do that at my church... have all the mothers and godmothers stand. I am neither (too infertile to even be a godparent). When they did it this year we were all suppose to bow our heads and pray, but I didn't. Instead I looked around. I could only see 2 other women still sitting. One about my age... maybe she didn't want to have children just yet, or wasn't married or something. Another was an older (senior citizen) woman. Something tells me that she didn't want to be sitting down either.

Don't feel too bad about sitting down, I have a feeling that someday we will be able to stand up too. Most women that go through infertility eventually have children. Hopefully that group will include us. If not, hopefully adoption or foster parenting will call us. The waiting sucks.

nancy said...

I don't go to church. I'd of reacted the same way (before) had I had to go through that. Except I'd be the one running and sobbing. Wait. No, I'd of stood up and yelled at how insensitive they were, when you know they weren't. Ugh. I actually 'yelled' at a woman in the cafeteria for discussing her child when I was ttc#1 saying "some people can't get pregnant!". Ugh. Yeah. I did.

Am I making this better or worse?


jill said...

That is definitely hard to endure. Not sure that I would have felt ashamed but I understand where you're coming from. I would have wanted to stand up and tell people that I would give anything to be a mother... doesn't that count?! Sorry you had to go through that :/

FatGuySpeaks said...

I haven't commented in a while, but I always read.

I haven't commented in a while because I don't know if you would want me to talk to you about these things.

But let me say this: When you do become a mom, and you will, you're going to be the best mom ever...

Just Caz said...

That sounds like the most terrible experience, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I don't believe that its right that they do that, mothers day should be about a celebration.. but it shouldn't be about shaming those who haven't yet been blessed with children.
I am so sorry.

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I had to go through that too on mothers day and felt the same way!!! So I guess it's just normal.. The part that made it easier for me this year was being there for my mama.. She lost her husband(my daddy) this past October in a traggic "oil field" accident.

I love my mama so much she is my best friend next to my husband of course.. So I felt I must be very strong and be there for her in every way that I could this yr:)

But there was still that deep longing and pain..... But I survived.. and I'm hoping and praying that next yr. we'll both be mother's n we won't have to feel so bad:)


Kim H. said...

I think that you'd be surprised at how many times other women have similar reactions. It is something that a lot of women take for granted... but others have to fight like animals to make it happen. I just pray that someday when we get our turn to stand there... that we'll remember the feeling that we had this year... and maybe reach out to make the day brighter for those waiting for their turn.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I think your reaction makes perfect sense. I doubt I could have behaved with as much grace as you did.

Thinking of you and sending peace your way.

Celia said...

There is no right or wrong way to feel on Mother's Day. I think I would have cried. I was a wreck at my nephew's baptism. I had no idea it would be a group baptism and there were so many babies.

areyoukiddingme said...

Well, on the lighter side...think of how pissed off you will feel when you go to all this trouble to become a Mother, and when you finally get there someone gives you a key chain!

At the very least, you should get a vacation house in Tuscany.

Musings from Me said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I know that the minister was just trying to connect with the congregation. I'm just so sorry that you had to be there.

ModernMommy said...

I totally get what you are saying. When we were in the process of adopting our daughter our church did the same thing on Mother's Day. They even had the expectant mothers stand up and I don't know why but I felt humiliated as well. I wanted to stand up but since I wasn't pregnant I thought everyone would look at me funny. Plus it was that weird kinda limbo stage, am I a Mom or not?
The desire to be a mother is so so strong once you have it. I think your reaction was perfectly normal.
Ps. Sorry this is kinda late.