I wasn’t going to write this post. I wasn’t going to get on my blog and write about how much yesterday sucked. Quite honestly, most of the day DIDN’T suck. It was really mostly just a day of hanging out with family like normal. It was nice.
There’s one thing that has been bugging me, though. We went to church yesterday with my husband’s family. I’m REALLY not a fan of that particular church, but I put on a happy face, because that’s just what you do. So we were sitting in the pews and listening to the minister talk about mother’s day and ask questions of the ridiculously adorable children of the congregation. At the end of the discussion, the minister asked all of the moms in the congregation to stand up. I expected that.
I didn’t expect, however, the feeling that came over me. I didn’t feel mad or sad or disappointed or indifferent. What I felt was humiliated. Even as I sat there, I knew what I was feeling was crazy. Aside from my in-laws, I didn’t know anyone there, and I probably would never run into them again. They didn’t know my story. They didn’t know that I desperately wanted to be one of the women standing. For all anyone else knew, I was just a young woman who didn’t have kids. For all they knew, I could be someone who didn’t want kids, or just wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility.
So I sat there and applauded the mothers and smiled at the kids who were passing out “Happy Mother’s Day” key chains to everyone standing up. I did the best I could to hide the tears in my eyes, and was fully prepared to shrug it off as allergies if I was asked. I was so ashamed that I wanted to run out of the building and hide in my car and sob. I stayed, because I didn’t want to cause a scene.
Eventually the feeling faded and I was able to get through the rest of the service. As soon as it was over, though, I was out of there. I’m not sure why I had the reaction that I did. I guess I’m putting this out there because keeping it inside makes the feeling even stronger- like I should be hiding it- and I know that it’s not something to hide.