I think the tides are turning.

I actually have some stuff going on to tell you about…..

That cryptic request I had a while back? I think I can tell you now, because the initial hard part is over…. (I hope I’m no jinxing it!) I had an interview this morning to be the office manager for a chiropractic clinic. I think it went really well. 90% sure she’s going to call me back for a second interview. (Well, she said she would, but she still has a couple other people to interview first, so I’m leaving room to be disappointed.) This sounds like an amazing opportunity. She’s looking for someone to stick around for a while, and I’m looking to find a place to stick around in! It’s only about 10 minutes from my house (right now I drive 40ish) and it would give me the variety I’m craving. Please keep praying for me!

Also, I’m pretty sure I O’d on Monday. It was CD19, which is the earliest I’ve EVER O’d (since I’ve been charting) without Clomid or a trigger. I think that means the Vitex/ Cinnamon/ Soy combo is working, no? Also, even though we’ve been crazy busy this month, we actually managed to do some baby dancing that day! Do I think we actually made a baby? Not really- but there’s a chance, and it’s a step in the right direction!

Last but not least….. I’m going to be acting on a stage for the first time in 10 years! A good friend of mine is doing a fundraiser for Children’s hospital, and he asked me to play a small part in the play he’s directing. I’m terrible at memorizing lines, so a small part is all I really wanted, and I’m really excited! I used to be really into theatre in HS, but then life got in the way, and I just didn’t have time for it anymore. I’m SUPER nervous, though… what if I suck? At least it’s only a small part, and no one will really remember me- and it’s for a really good cause!

Cross your fingers, everyone! I really hope that this all works out for me…. After a year of NOTHING new happening, I think I’m about due for a few changes!

I don't get me

Remember my post about Mother’s Day? Remember how I was surprised by the reaction I had to the minister asking the mothers to stand up? Well, my emotions surprised me AGAIN. Normally I love surprises, but…..

So my co-worker’s husband’s birthday was yesterday. He didn’t have to work, so he met her up here for lunch. And he brought their 1 year old daughter. Co-worker warned me that she was coming, and I was actually really excited to see her. Usually I have no problems spending time with kids/babies. Actually, I love it. I look forward to it. I hadn’t see Baby since she was about 2 months old, so I was anxious to see how much she had grown.

And then my emotions decided to freak out again. I saw her and smiled and then strolled back over to my cube and hid my face in my hands.

Seriously, I’m over it. I really hate being OK with mommies and pregnant ladies and kids one minute and then freaking out about it the next. I hate not knowing how I’m going to react. I mean, if anyone would know how I would react to something, don’t you think it would be me?

UGH.

They say it’s your Blogoversary….

I wanted to write some big, meaningful, “I can’t believe it’s been a whole year, and so much has happened” post. But I can’t. Because, really? Not so much has happened.

I’m having a really hard time coming up with words that are post-worthy, so I’m just going to say THANK YOU to everyone who reads and comments. You have no idea how much it helps to know that I’m not alone, and that I’m actually talking to someone- and not just a blank page!

Hopefully I’ll be able to write that meaningful post next year...... as a mommy or mommy- to- be!

cryptic request

I'm going to be cryptic about this, because I don't want to jinx it. I got a call today that could be the answer to some of my prayers (not IF or TTC related). I'm not going to tell you what it is until after next Friday (the 29th), but in the meantime, PLEASE send up some prayers that this isn't too good to be true, and that it works out how I want it to.

I know God has a plan for me... I sure hope that His will is the same as mine in this situation!

Thanks!!!!!!

Jon and Kate break my heart.

First of all, I want to say at HUGE thank you to everyone who as commented and emailed me this past week. The blogging community is an amazing thing, and I thank God all the time that all of you are out there. Also, I want to clarify something- I don’t think it was a bad thing that the church acknowledged the mom’s on Mother’s Day. I know the being a mom is probably the hardest thing I will (hopefully) ever have to do, and I think all mothers deserve a round of applause (and maybe a keychain, I guess.)

While I am a huge media whore, sometimes I REALLY hate how they sensationalize everything. Right now, I’m talking about Jon and Kate Gosselin. In case you’ve been living under a rock, you know that there are rumors going around that Jon has cheated on Kate. And then there were some rumors that Kate cheated on him with her bodyguard. And some people are saying that their marriage has been over for a long time, and it’s all just a ruse for the cameras. I say that this all makes me sick.

I think what everyone is forgetting is that there are CHILDREN involved! I saw an interview with Kate on Larry King (I think) and she said that the kids weren’t being impacted by all of this.

I call a great big BS on that junk.

Look, the twins are 9. Small private school or not, they are going to hear about all this crap going on in the media. Not only are they going to hear about it now, but it’s going to follow them for the rest of their lives! This stuff is in print. It’s not going to just disappear. Someone needs to take responsibility here and stop instigating the media circus around this family. The kids didn’t ask for any of this, and it’s so unfair to have them pay for the actions the adults in their lives have chosen to take.

That’s all I have to say about that.

unexpected emotions

I wasn’t going to write this post. I wasn’t going to get on my blog and write about how much yesterday sucked. Quite honestly, most of the day DIDN’T suck. It was really mostly just a day of hanging out with family like normal. It was nice.

There’s one thing that has been bugging me, though. We went to church yesterday with my husband’s family. I’m REALLY not a fan of that particular church, but I put on a happy face, because that’s just what you do. So we were sitting in the pews and listening to the minister talk about mother’s day and ask questions of the ridiculously adorable children of the congregation. At the end of the discussion, the minister asked all of the moms in the congregation to stand up. I expected that.

I didn’t expect, however, the feeling that came over me. I didn’t feel mad or sad or disappointed or indifferent. What I felt was humiliated. Even as I sat there, I knew what I was feeling was crazy. Aside from my in-laws, I didn’t know anyone there, and I probably would never run into them again. They didn’t know my story. They didn’t know that I desperately wanted to be one of the women standing. For all anyone else knew, I was just a young woman who didn’t have kids. For all they knew, I could be someone who didn’t want kids, or just wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility.

So I sat there and applauded the mothers and smiled at the kids who were passing out “Happy Mother’s Day” key chains to everyone standing up. I did the best I could to hide the tears in my eyes, and was fully prepared to shrug it off as allergies if I was asked. I was so ashamed that I wanted to run out of the building and hide in my car and sob. I stayed, because I didn’t want to cause a scene.

Eventually the feeling faded and I was able to get through the rest of the service. As soon as it was over, though, I was out of there. I’m not sure why I had the reaction that I did. I guess I’m putting this out there because keeping it inside makes the feeling even stronger- like I should be hiding it- and I know that it’s not something to hide.

@#!%^*#&*^@#*

Well, it’s CD1 for me. WARNING: this is going to be a TMI post. If you’re one of those people who know me in real life and don’t really want to hear about my bodily functions, stop reading right now.
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I did O this month. The Hubs and I actually did “do the deed” during the fertile period. I didn’t say anything to him or anyone else about it. I guess I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t jinx it- and I’d be telling my family on Mother’s Day that I would be joining the ranks soon. I was wrong. Damn hope.

A couple of days ago, I started spotting. I still didn’t say anything. It was brown and REALLY light. I still had hope. Yesterday was more of the same. I had visions of taking an HPT on Saturday morning and waking the Hubs up and doing a happy dance and crying together and jumping on the bed (well maybe not. We have a low ceiling in our bedroom, and he’s 6’5”, so it would be ME jumping on the bed alone).

This morning, I woke up to find that AF did decide to pay me a visit. Bitch. And she’s not being very nice about it, either. I have the worst cramps I can ever remember having. I’ve taken 4 ibuprofen, and still I’m in bad shape. Dammit. And I still have to be at work and smile and act like I’m not in pain.

I’ve been taking the cinnamon for about 3 weeks. I started taking vitex this morning, and I’m stopping by Wally World on my way home to pick up some soy. I WILL O in May, dammit. This path I chose to take WILL work. It has to….

In Which I am a Hypocrite.

I have to start this post off by saying that I am overweight. I know I am. It sucks, and I’m pretty much failing at eating healthier (although, I do try!) Losing weight is not easy- especially when, up until about 4 years ago, I was technically underweight. I was actually one of those annoying people who could eat whatever the heck I wanted to and still not gain anything. I mean, I still had thunder thighs, but that’s just genetics. But seriously, I barely broke 100lbs until after I met my husband. (At first it was “happy weight”, and then it got out of control when the PCOS took over.)

ANYWAY- this post is not about me.

Over the weekend, I went to my old high school to watch my baby sister’s stage debut in their spring musical. It was cute. I hate going to see music related stuff there, though, because they have THE WORST vocal director I have ever met in my life, and so I always see so much wasted potential. And then I get distracted by imagining all the ways to get this chick fired………. Aaaaaand I’m off topic again.

Before the show, we stopped in to ACME to pick up some flowers for Baby Sister. On the way in, we passed a mother and her daughter. This girl couldn’t be any older than 8, but I bet she was 180lb easily. It made me so sad, because obviously this girl never got a chance. (The mom was way heavier- 380 is a lowball estimation.) This poor little girl is probably fed only processed foods that are high in sugar, refined carbs, and fat. How is she supposed to grow up and be healthy when she doesn’t know any better? It made me think back to the days when I worked in a clothing store, and mothers would bring in their children who were in grade school to shop in the plus size section. I would always get so so sad for those girls, because I know how cruel their peers can be. Kids can be really mean to each other.

So I was thinking about that when I sat down to watch the show. At some point, I noticed the actors on stage were mostly overweight. Why is this? Why is it that so many teenagers now are overweight or obese? I thought back to my HS class. Honestly, I couldn’t remember too many of us being bigger. Is it because there is more fast food around? I doubt it, because my friends and I ate Wendy’s at LEAST once a day. Is it because they aren’t as active? Maybe that’s part of it. Is it because the economy is in the crapper, and healthy food is expensive? That’s probably part of it, too….

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser, or because my company has hired a fitness/nutrition guru to do seminars, or because I’ve been doing my own research to try and get my PCOS under control, but I’ve been really noticing all of this lately, and it really bugs me.

Any thoughts?

Helpless.

A few months back, my mom and I took a road trip to see my cousins in Missouri. The second night there, we stayed up late, talking. (We usually end up doing this at least once every time any of us visit. It’s my favorite part.) While we were talking, I realized just how much had happened to us all in the past years. My cousin (who is also the oldest of his siblings) and I realized that, for the most part, things have been happening to the people around us more than to us. We are the observers. We get to watch our family members go through the hardest battles they’ve ever had to fight.

He had to watch his sister miscarry while his wife was pregnant. He had to watch as his brother got into a motorcycle accident, was in a coma for 3 months, and is still (7 years later) slowly recovering. He had to watch his mother battle lung cancer and lose.

I had to watch my sister recover from a rape and find out she was pregnant. As soon as she started getting used to the idea, and even starting to welcome it, she lost the baby. I had to watch that same, unmarried, sister find out years later that she was accidentally pregnant with twins. I had to watch my mother deal with losing her sister and best friend, only a few short years after losing her mother. I have to watch my parents support 2+ families on one income. I had to watch my brother lose 2 people he was close to in a matter of months. I had to watch my baby brother learn how to navigate high school with Asperger’s Syndrome….

Sometimes I wonder where I get off complaining about IF and PCOS. I look at what my family has been through, and I realize that I got off easy (so far). Sometimes, though, I wonder if it’s maybe harder to have to stand back and watch the people I love suffer so much. Is it maybe a form of survivor’s guilt?

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I have a few prayer requests today as well:

~ My brother found out this weekend that he lost his friend to cancer. He was 26. His family had to have him cremated, because they couldn’t afford to do anything else. Please pray that God will give them strength to get through this terrible time.

~ A friend of mine went to an u/s today to find out that her baby stopped growing 2 weeks ago, at 6 weeks. She and her husband have been trying for so long to have a child, and they’ve already had to deal with a miscarriage previously.

~ The Hubs and I have some friends from church who are going through a hard time right now as well. They have had to deal with the loss of a grandmother on both sides of the family within the past month. Please pray that they will be able to find strength and comfort in each other.

Thank you.

My Husband rocks :)

It's been a really long time since I've posted a MHR Friday post. I feel kinda guilty.

This week, my husband rocks because he asked me out on a date! I'm so excited! Maybe it sounds silly, because it's just the two of us, and we live together, and we see each other every day. We go out to eat every once in a while. Why is this different? I have no idea, but I'm pumped!

Really, it's nothing too fancy. We're going to a restaraunt that we've never been to before, and then going to a movie at a theater we don't usually go to. I like this place because it has armrests that can be pushed up, and the seats are kind of love-seat style. So we get to cuddle. YAY!