First of all, I am happy to report that my “feeling” I had yesterday turned out to be nothing- as far as I know. Now on to my real post.
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I live about 10 minutes from an airport. I pass it every day on my way to and from work. About this time of year, I start to get wander lust…. Especially when I know I won’t be taking a vacation during the summer. Some days (OK most days) almost all I can think about is how I wish I could just pack up my suitcase and go somewhere- anywhere. I could go visit my family in Kansas. I could go visit a friend in Florida. I could visit my cousins in Georgia. I could go somewhere and just disappear for a while.
Is this a cop-out? Would I be running away from everything, or would I be running to something? Would it be a vacation to get myself together and collect my thoughts, or would it be a flight from all responsibility? Where would I go and how long would I stay? Would I even tell anyone that I was leaving, or would I just pack up and sneak out of town and call later to say that I was OK? Am I a terrible person for even THINKING these thoughts?
I’m not unhappy with my life- I’m not sure what the word is. Restless, maybe? I’m sick of waiting…. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting until we get paid so I can go grocery shopping, waiting to paint the guest room because it will- one day- be a nursery, waiting for the weekend so I don’t have to wake up and do the same thing every day…. As I said before, I don’t do well with monotony. The Hubs- well, he can do the exact same thing every day forever and never get bored or restless. I’m not built like that.
Growing up in a house with so many people meant that SOMETHING was always happening. I could pick up my sisters and go shopping at the drop of a hat. Someone was always walking in the door to visit. There was always someone to talk to and somewhere to go. Now, I’m just far enough away to be out of everyone’s way, so I don’t get many visitors. My family and friends all live 20-30 minutes away (if they even still live in the state anymore), and with the gas prices going up, I’m feeling more and more like I’m living on an island. Apparently, I’m not coping well.
I’m becoming a real Debbie Downer lately. I’m really sorry, Internet. I wish I had the wit and way with words to make my introspective ramblings more pleasant to read, but the only things that my fingers seem to type lately just aren’t that interesting I’m afraid. Thanks for hanging in there with me. The statement around the blogosphere lately has been “comments are the new hug”…. And I could really use a hug or 2 or 200! (P.S. I Have a dr appt on Monday to discuss my Zoloft usage. I’m thinking I’m going to ask them to up my dosage, so maybe I’ll be a bit more positive soon!)
5 comments:
Your blog is your place to vent, so don't feel sorry or bad. And I frequently daydream of packing up and just running away...not literally of course, but just to get up and take off for a break. I think it's both - running away from responsibility, but also using that time to get yourself back together again too.
You could not POSSIBLY be as much of a downer as me, and for some reason, people keep reading my blog, so don't worry about it.
I started having what my shrink called "escape fantasies" when I had a near-nervous-breakdown about 12 years ago. Now, whenever I start thinking that way, I can easily recognize it as a sign of depression. It's surprising how much my thoughts are like yours. I just want to go away, maybe not even tell anyone. Maybe for a month or two. For me, it's always when I'm driving. I just don't want to stop, I want to just keep driving and driving, to completely leave my life behind while I drive and drive.
Finally, a word of totally unsolicited advice on the Zoloft. Don't let your doctor talk you into switching to Paxil. That's what happened to me when the Zoloft stopped working (I'd been on it for about 6 years at that point). Paxil really works, but it's also a bitch to get off of (and it might cause birth defects). Some doctors liken it to breaking a heroin addiction. I did get off it, but it was a really rough month, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. (My doctor was such an asshole, he KNEW I was going to start TTC that year, and he told me Paxil would be okay.)
Good luck and keep in touch.
I have thought about hopping on a plane too and not telling anyone. We all feel that way sometimes and not because our lives are awful, but just because it would feel good to check-out for a little bit. That's all. Break up the monotony a little.
We all get like this once and a while. It's gotta be normal. If not, we are all in trouble then. If I runaway it will be to Mexico. How about you? Where you running to?
Next time you get wander lust, you can think about hopping on a plane to Tucson. It's a good destination:-) I love you!
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