In which I whine and complain

I don’t know what my major malfunction is right now, but I know I have one. I can’t decide if it’s my crazy hormones, the fact that we are solidly in what I call the “gray season” in Ohio (basically from October through April) and SAD is starting to set in, or if it’s just because this past week has been just a series of “bad days” and it’s really wearing on me.

This is what I know:
*I am not as deliriously happy as I should be right now.
*I’m tired ALL THE TIME, sore, achy, and sinus-y.
*I have a really hard time getting comfortable enough to fall asleep, and then I can only stay comfortable for a couple of hours (at the most) before my hips/back/ arms hurt so bad that they wake me up.
*The first thing I do in the morning when my alarm goes off for work is cry. I’m so sick of my job (Which I know I am lucky to have, and I know is a good job) that I’d rather stab my eyes out with a fork than go into work. And I’m sick of crying at work. It’s unprofessional, and it makes me look bad. It can be triggered by something here, or it can just come out of nowhere.
*My house is a mess, and I have no desire or energy to clean it.
* I’m sick of watching every bite of food that goes in my mouth. I’m tired of eating and eating protein and veggies, only to be super hungry again 30 minutes later and not being able to eat for another 1.5 hours.

*For the past week, all I’ve wanted to do is cry. Constantly.

I’m miserable, and I just want it to be February already!

The Hubs has been so great through all of this, though. I know it bothers him that I’m sad all of the time, but he lets me just be sad. He sits with me and holds me and reassures me. He tries his hardest to make sure I’m comfortable, and doesn’t get offended when I snap at him for no reason. I couldn’t ask for a better support person right now. I wish, for his sake, that I could just snap out of this funk.

Something’s gotta give, but what that something is, I have NO idea….

Just Mom

I realized the other day that, in a few short months, someone is going to look at me and see only “Mom.” This is crazy to me. On one hand, it’s SOO FREAKIN COOL, but on the other, it almost feels like the loss of my identity.

You know how, when you’re young, you look at your parents and they hardly seem like humans? They’re just “Mom” and “Dad.” It’s hard to imagine them as the people they were before you were born. It’s hard to imagine them as who they are independent of you. (Kids are very self-centered. Why is that?) I can’t tell you when it finally clicked for me that my mom is more than JUST my mom, and my dad is more than JUST my dad. They have lives, friends, personalities. I can say, though, that it wasn’t until recently. Maybe sometime in college?

When Hannah is born, for a very long time, I will just be “Mom” to her. What does that mean? Will I lose my identity? Will I lose my sense of self? Will I get so wrapped up in loving and caring for her that I forget who Jill is? I know, even now, that I would gladly give my life for her. She is already in my every thought. It feels like my entire life right now is revolving around bringing her into this world happy and healthy. I don’t resent it- just the opposite. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity (even though I’m kind of a wuss and complain about it a lot.) When she’s born, will I willingly give myself up to be her mom? Will I miss being just me? Will I resent her for taking away my “freedom?” I know I won’t, but it’s still something I worry about….

dreams and reality

I had a dream about her last night. She was perfect and pink and wrinkly, and she had her daddy’s nose. Up until now, I’ve only ever dreamed about having boys. Even after I found out that she was a she. Strange, huh?

In my dream, I went into labor, and was in and out of the hospital within 2 hours. I never fed her until after she was 24 hours old, because it suddenly occurred to me that she probably needed to eat. So then I tried to breastfeed and realized that I had NO idea what I was doing, and she only wanted to eat from one side- wouldn’t have anything to do with the other.

When she was 2 days old, I brought her into work to show her off. I’m sorry- what?!

I can’t really remember the rest, because all I could think of was how stupid I was being…

*******

~I’m feeling pretty good right now. I’ve had pop up visits from my buddy Morning Sickness every now and then for the past week or so. Super fun.

~The GD still sucks. I’m on glyburide to control my fasting numbers, but they keep slowly creeping up. I’m probably going to have to increase my dosage after my visit next week. It would be really great if I could go more than a week with good numbers. Oh well, at least I can control the rest of my numbers with my diet *looking for some wood to knock on.*

~I’m looking forward to the holidays this year. I know I’ll have fun, but I keep thinking about next year. Next year, I’ll have a baby that I will dress up in her first Halloween costume. We’ll buy her first Christmas dress. I’ll get to play Santa for the first time. She’ll be 10 months old, so she might just be able to open a few presents (with a little bit of help from Mommy or Daddy.) I can imagine what it will all be like, but I know reality will be so much different…. I’m so excited to live it out!

The Chinese Gender Predictors really know what they're doing!

I’m in shock! We’re having a GIRL!

We’ll get to meet Hannah Claire on or around Feb 20, 2010.

We're super excited, but thought FOR SURE she was going to be a boy. Not so much!

And the Dietician Says....

So my meeting with the dietician went well(ish.) Basically she just told me I have to watch my carb intake. Cool. AND I can have as much peanut butter as I want. AND she said that sugar free jelly is OK to eat. So my recently found love of PB&Js is unharmed. Until I get sick of them. And then I’ll have to find something else to eat for lunch.

**Please, Dear Lord, don’t let me get sick of PB&J! Please let me keep loving it until after this little one has evacuated my womb. Then I can hate it again. I don’t care.**

This lady was all Fire and Brimstone about how I COMPLETELY failed my test. She kept saying “You didn’t just fail, you REALLY failed.” Thanks, lady. Just what I needed to hear. SO I’m sitting there, feeling like a failure, and then she starts to talk about my weight. And how I’m JUST on the line of the weight I should be gaining. Umm I’m 18 weeks in, and I’ve only gained 4 lbs. I was pretty proud of myself until that moment.

She tells me I have to test twice a day- once in the morning before I do ANYTHING (right… I haven’t really remembered to add that to the beginning of my routine yet.) and then once during the day after alternate meals (ie, 2 hours after breakfast one day, then lunch the next, then dinner…) And if I’m at or near the limit for any reason, I have to tell her EXACTLY why I’m over the limit. Oh, and apparently, I’m eating too late at night. Because I really love getting home at 6, after being gone since 7, and figuring out what to eat and then making it. It’s my favorite thing in the world. And not even a little bit intimidating. (See my previous post a few down about how food has been stressing me out.)

So then I get home, and I call my prescription company to see what glucose meters they cover, so I know what to ask for when I get to the store. They transfer me around in circles for an hour, until I finally reach a lady who tells me that I can get a free meter (sweet!) BUT I have to use the mail-in program. The company will fax my Dr something to sign to say it’s OK to get the meter, and when the company finally gets the fax back (who knows how long that will take) they’ll send me the meter in the mail. It will take up to 10 days after they get permission to get me the meter. Obviously, that solution wasn’t going to work. Luckily, my sister had GD when she was pregnant with her twins, so I was able to use her meter. All I had to do was shell out $102 for test strips. (in the words of my sister, “those things are like GOLD”)

So, it was a great time. Also, apparently the Low Carb craze is over. I was totally counting on the South Beach and Adkin’s followers to carry me through this- but the grocery store told me another story. Freakin’ A!

overdue update

Please forgive my lack of blogging. I’ve had such a hard time putting thoughts into words lately!

Things are going pretty well, so far, knock on wood! The morning sickness has been gone for a while now (Praise the Lord!) and I’ve had a bit more energy. Food is still stressing me out, which sucks even more now, because….. I have Gestational Diabetes! I was tested early because of my PCOS and my sister having it. I guess it was a good thing that they tested me early, because it turns out that I have it. I keep hearing that it’s not so bad once you get used to it, but I’m not so sure. I have an appointment with the nutritionist this afternoon, so hopefully she’ll set my mind at ease about all of this and I can get on track. The silver lining, I guess, is that it should limit the amount of baby weight that I put on (not that I was really worried about that) and I’ll have less to lose after baby is born. Hopefully I’ll be able to stay on the diet once the little bundle arrives, and it will help with my PCOS symptoms. Another silver lining: I don’t have to take that terrible test again at 27 weeks! I’m actually really excited about that. It was horrible.

We find out what I’m growing in 2 weeks form tomorrow! I’m so excited! I can’t wait to start shopping and registering, and getting the nursery done. Mostly, too, I can’t wait to get new carpet. My ILs have generously offered to pay for us to get new carpet in our bedroom and the baby’s room. The previous owners’ animals used those rooms as litter boxes, and that has prompted our pets to do the same. Pretty gross. We’re hoping that a coat of KILLZ and new carpets will get rid of that habit.

I felt the baby move about a week and a half ago! The Hubs was away on business and I was lonely. I had just gotten off the phone with him, and all of the sudden I felt a very obvious bump right below my belly button. Suddenly, I wasn’t so lonely anymore!

That’s pretty much all that’s going on in my corner of the sky right now. I hope one or two people out there haven’t given up on me! I promise to write again, soon.

Makes me Happy

Someone on my local message board asked us all to list things that make us happy- things that aren’t husband/child related. Writing the list made me happy, so I thought I’d post here. I even added more than what I told them. What a good way to start a day.


~Christmas Eve at my mom’s house.
~Cadbury Crème eggs
~Starbucks white chocolate mocha
~Having long, serious discussions on stupid topics
~Animals in general. Mostly baby ones.
~The ocean. Especially sitting out on the beach at night and staring into the blackness.
~Getting lost in a good book.
~New clothes.
~Spending time with my sisters.
~Christmas trees.
~Weddings.
~Standing outside on a silent winter night when tiny snowflakes are falling and look like glitter. It makes me feel like nothing could ever go wrong.
~Waking up somewhere new on a summer morning (like on vacation) and sitting outside enjoying the freedom that being away from home brings.
~Slow dancing (not so much with Paul, though. After almost 8 years, he still doesn’t know where to put his hands! Also, the height difference makes it difficult.)
~Going to the Park and feeding the ducks. Sometimes, they will completely surround you so that you are standing in a sea of them.
~Warm weather in December. (or Jan or Feb or anytime in the winter)
~ Having out of town relatives over and staying up late into the night talking about everything and nothing.
~Crawling into (or back into) my super comfy bed.
~Moments like this: This morning when I was driving in, I passed a field that was kind of overgrown. There was a small hill somewhere in the middle and a doe was standing completely still and looking toward the trees. There was fog on the ground, and the sun was just rising, so it hit in just the perfect place. I wanted to stop my car and stay in that moment for hours.

What makes you happy?

love affair

Dear Second Trimester,

Oh, how I love you (so far.) Let me count the ways….

1. No more morning sickness!
2. I can now eat (most) foods without gagging!
3. I have energy back! (Ok, so it’s pre-pregnancy lazy day energy, but it’s SOOOO much more than I had before!)
4. I’m starting to look very cute in fitted maternity shirts.
5. I can finally say that I’m pregnant and not feel like people are going to think I’m lying.
6. I can find out if he/she is a he or a she in a matter of weeks!
7. When I have cravings now, The Hubs takes it more seriously ;)

Ok, so 7 ways sounds kind of lame, but seriously? Those 7 things are HUGE!!!! Second Trimester, you are my new best friend! Please don’t turn your back on me and trick me into thinking things are great when you’re just going to make me all sick and tired and weak again. I just don’t think I can stand it.

Love always, (or unless you turn your back on me)
Jill

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Dear Family,

I am NOT having twins. I know I started to show very early, but I am 100% sure that there is only one baby in my uterus. Between my low-ish hcg levels in the very beginning, the 6 ultrasounds I have had, and the single heartbeat I have heard, I’m pretty sure the RE would have caught it by now. Give it up.

Thankyouverymuch.

I love you anyway,
Jill

***********************************************************************

The state of things:

The NT Scan came back looking fantastic. RE released me on Monday. I have a regular OB appt next Monday, and I’m touring the L&D department of the hospital 5 minutes from my house the following Monday.

I have fallen in love with Maternity pants. The full belly panel kind from Motherhood Maternity. They are the MOST comfortable things I have ever worn in my life. I may never stop wearing them. Also? I got a cute polo shirt from a friend, and my baby bump looks pretty fab in it, if I do say so myself.

So far, this second trimester thing is pretty great. (And now I’m knocking on everything around me that is wood or made from wood.)

stress!

Pregnancy is the most amazing, most uncomfortable experience I have ever had.

I’m very tired and whiny today. I need to complain to someone, and I know everyone I know IRL will tell me “you wanted this.” And I need to not hear that right now. Yes, I did want this. Yes, I still do want this. More than anything in the world. Being pregnant is amazing. It also sucks.

I was 12 weeks on Saturday. Morning Sickness has been with me since last week sometime. I’m over it. I’m also sick of food aversions and never wanting to eat, until I do. And when I DO want to eat, it’s always when I can’t. And when I CAN eat, everything sounds/tastes disgusting. The Hubs says he can’t look at me while I eat right now, because I always look like I’m going to immediately throw up anything that passes through my lips. I might. And THAT is frustrating. SO frustrating.

The food issue has brought me to tears on numerous occasions. I can’t go grocery shopping because everything looks gross, so I don’t buy anything. The result is no food in the house. I put off eating as long as I can, because I hate trying to force things down my throat. And then I get worried that I’m not eating enough, or healthy enough. Any solutions to this would be greatly appreciated.

Also? Sleep is not happening. At least not when it’s supposed to. I’ll go to bed early (when I can) and toss and turn because I can’t find a comfortable position. When I finally do and finally drift off to sleep, it’s almost time to wake up. And then I fall asleep at work. Or worse, I start to drift off in my car when I’m driving to and from work! And I work 35-45 minutes away from my house! That’s scary.

AND I’m really hating being touched right now. My skin crawls when people hug me, and The Hubs is getting his feelings hurt because I want nothing to do with him right now. I like knowing he’s beside me, but not too close, and not touching me. And I HATE kissing. I feel so bad, because I haven’t really seen him in about a month due to the play I’m in, but I just can’t do it!

And of course, money is tight. How are we supposed to have a baby and provide for it when we are having a rough time getting by ourselves? STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!

And I’m stressed because I’m stressed. Help?

I'm alive!

There’s way too much to talk about, so I’m going to have to resort to the dreaded bullet points. (I have no idea why bullet points are so dreaded. Honestly, I don’t mind reading them. Maybe it’s something that actual writers have a problem with? I dunno.)


~ A couple of weeks ago, The Hubs and I took a much needed trip away. I had a family reunion in Gettysburg, PA, so we took a long weekend and pretended it was a vacation. It’s the first time we’ve been out of town (for pleasure) since our honeymoon 3 ½ years ago, and we have no idea when we’re going to be able to get away again, so this was it. We had a lot of fun, but it went by way too fast- and we didn’t get to see or do as much as we would have liked to. Hopefully we’ll be going back next year!

~ The play I’m in? It opens TONIGHT! EEK! I was super calm until this morning, when I realized that I’m actually going to be performing in front of PEOPLE! People that I know! What if I mess up? What if my baby steals my brain cells and I completely blank out in the middle of a sentence? (again.) Plus, I’m supposed to be kind of the comic relief of the show, so there’s no pressure there at all……. Wish me luck!

~ I’m so very very tired! I know pregnant women are supposed to keep active, but, until a couple of days ago, I had been going going going like the energizer bunny for WEEKS! I called off of work Wednesday, because my body did not want to move. At all. It took everything in my power to walk from the bedroom to the bathroom across the hall. I took that as a sign that I was overdoing it a little and called off of work. Of course, my dog decided that he was going to be really needy that day, so I wasn’t off of my feet as much as I would have liked, but, you know, whatever.

~ Went to the RE for my NT scan today. He said that all of the measurements look good, and I need to go back in about a week to discuss the results of the blood work part. I’m not worried, though. After that consultation, I will be released from them. I guess I should start looking for a regular OB now, huh? I’ve never had a regular OB/GYN before… kinda nervous to start shopping for one now! I have no idea what I’m even supposed to look for! Do I interview them (like in Knocked Up) or do I just go in for an appt and see if I like it? I’m really excited to be finally almost done with my first trimester, but I’m also really sad that I won’t be getting to take a peek inside my uterus every 2 weeks. It was really nice to have that reassurance, you know?

~ Last week was my 10 year high school reunion. CRAZY! Not too many people showed up. Out of a class of about 300, only 50 people came. Most of them were the people that I had expected to see anyway, so it wasn’t really all that surprising (thank you, facebook) but it’s really strange to say that I have been to my 10 year reunion! Time flies, huh? The best part? I got to sit around and talk about babies with the other pregnant/mommy people! I’m so glad I have this little nugget inside of me- otherwise I probably would have been hiding out in the ladies room all night.


I don’t really remember where I was going with this, so I’ll end it here. I haven’t had time really to catch up with too many people. How are you all doing??

17 years ago today....

17 years ago today I found out that my grandpa had died. 17 years. Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been so long, and other times it seems like forever…

I want to tell you all about him, but I’m not sure that words can capture the man that he was. He was an army veteran and a veteran’s advocate. He worked blue collar jobs, and was president of his local VFW chapter. He didn’t have a lot of money, but would give you the shirt off of his back (literally) if you needed it. He opened his home to anyone in need. He never swore. Even in combat. He thought that using swear words meant that you had a limited vocabulary. If he was at home, and sitting, he was probably asleep or falling asleep. He snored. Loudly. He smoked a lot. He taught his last dog how to bark by getting down on his hands and knees in the living room and making barking noises at her. He looked larger than life in a business suit (his normal attire) and short and frail in a sweat suit. He had a pair of pants that he called his “snicker” pants- they were so crazy and ugly that people would “snicker” at him when he wore them. He loved them! He used to come over on Saturday mornings and bring me doughnuts from Krispy Kreme that had pink icing and sprinkles.

He was one of my favorite people the whole world.

I saw him the night he died. I was at Acme with my mom and he and my Gram walked in the door while we were going toward the check-out. I was excited because I was supposed to go to a pool party the next day. They suggested that they pick me up and take me to dinner afterwards (to celebrate my good last report card.) It was going to be the BEST DAY EVER!

I remember the last hug I gave my grandpa. I always gave him my best hugs. I remember that I didn’t want to let go, so while I was walking away, I ran my hand down his arm and held his hand until we weren’t close enough to touch anymore. He smiled.

My Gram told me, later, that the last conversation they ever had was about where to take me for dinner.

HUNDREDS of people came to pay their respects at his viewing. People were lined up outside the building and down the block to say goodbye to the man that I called “Grandpa.” Even at 10 years old, I was in awe of the number of lives that he touched.

17 years ago, and I can remember it like it was yesterday. 17 years feels like a lifetime.

I love you, Grandpa. Even after 17 years, I can still feel you with me. I pray that I can teach my children the values that you instilled in me during the short time we existed on this planet together. I know that, when I hear the first cry of my baby, you will be smiling down on us with pride and celebration.

IF in Hollywood(ish)

On the 4th of July, the Hallmark Channel showed a series of movies that I had been wanting to watch, so I recorded them. They were about a frontier family surviving in the 1880’s and beyond. I’m pretty sure they’re based on books, and they all had the word Love in the title. Anyway, that’s not important.

I had been watching a movie here and there when I’ve had time. Last night I finished the series with the movie “Love finds a Home.” This movie made me, as someone who struggled with IF for two years, SOOOOOOOO INCREDIBLY ANGRY! I mean, I guess it was what I should have expected, but I was really hoping it would be handled differently.

The movie is set in a small town in Missouri. A woman (Belinda) is the town’s doctor, and her very pregnant friend (Annie), also a doctor, comes to visit during the last stages of her pregnancy. Belinda is very excited to see her friend, but is conflicted at the same time. Belinda and her husband have been trying for an unspecified amount of time to get pregnant, and haven’t had any luck.

The actress who played Belinda did a really good job in portraying the conflicting feelings that often accompanies IF. The movie did a really good job in handling the issue. There is even a scene where Belinda is telling Annie how hard it is for her to be around people who are pregnant, and how she almost resents a lot of people she knows who have lots of kids and have never really tried. I could really identify with this part of the story.

Later on in the movie, Annie is having complications, and Belinda thinks that it would be best for Annie to stay until after the baby is born. They telegraph Annie’s husband and mother in law to tell them of the recent events, and Annie’s Mother in Law (played by the always fabulous Patty Duke), who is a midwife, decides that she needs to be there. The Doctor (Belinda) and the midwife don’t see eye to eye… blah, blah, blah plot stuff.

Eventually, the mother in law ( I really can’t remember the character’s name) finds out that Belinda is barren. Because she’s a midwife, and knows this stuff, she gives Belinda some unsolicited advice. Can you guess what it was? I bet you can…..

The advice: Relax. Read a book before bed. This is the magical cure for infertility.

At this point, I screamed at the television.

Belinda, being the doctor, thought it was a bunch of crap. (YAY BELINDA) More plot stuff happened, and Belinda and the mother in law ended up learning from each other, in true Hallmark Movie fashion. At the end of the movie, guess what happened? (I bet you can guess this one, too.) That’s right, kids! Belinda decides that she’ll start reading a book before bed. And THEN guess what?! The movie ended with her getting pregnant. Surprise!

Look, if you know me in real life, you know that I am a sucker for cheesy movies with happy endings. I usually cry. This one, though, even though it was really good in parts, made me want to throw my TV through a wall.

Did anyone else in Bloggy Land see this movie? What did you think? Is there a movie or book you have read that gave you a reaction similar to mine?

Dreams and Reality

All through this pregnancy so far, I’ve been led and comforted by dreams. For example:

~ I can’t remember the first dream I had, but I woke up that morning with the very strong feeling that I needed to take a HPT. And I know that strong feeling was a direct result of the dream I had that night. The test was positive.

~ Before my 6w appt, when I was supposed to see the heartbeat, I had a dream that I could feel the heartbeat when I put my hand on my stomach. I knew it was the baby’s because it was really fast, but strong. I saw the heartbeat on the u/s monitor

~ This morning, I woke up a little bit worried, because I had had a dream that I woke up to lots of blood. I went to the Dr (in the dream), and they told me that I wasn’t miscarrying, but I couldn’t remember what the cause was. I went to the Dr this morning, and had a pap done. (yay.) The Dr told me that I would have some spotting afterward (which I’ve never had before when I’ve had that done), but it wouldn’t cause a loss. Good thing he warned me! I went to give the urine sample and there was REALLY HEAVY spotting going on. I guess that explains last night’s dream.

I really hope these dreams keep on coming…. It’s really nice to get a little bit of Divine comfort every now and then! ( And I truly believe that these dreams are God’s way of speaking to me. It really keeps my anxiety in check, which is probably the reason for them. I’m sure high anxiety is not good for the baby!)

**************************************************

I heard the heartbeat today! It was so strong! I really have a living person growing inside of me. It’s still so hard to believe……. Amazing.

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I had to stop in the Motherhood (maternity) store yesterday to pick up a Bella Band. (Suddenly, all of 2 pairs of my pants fit me, and they won’t for long!) When you buy something there, they give you a “gift bag” full of coupons and samples. The one I got yesterday had a bottle in it. Just a small, plain, baby bottle.

I’ve seen MILLIONS of bottles before- but when I picked it up, it felt like it was the first time I had ever held one. It was MINE. For MY baby. And in seven months, I will be using that bottle to feed MY baby. I could almost feel the weight of the baby in my automatically crooked arm. I could almost see the sweet little face looking up at me with the wise, knowing eyes that most people are born with. For the first time in 2 months, I felt a real attachment to the baby I am carrying. For the first time, it felt real.

Life in general.

I haven’t been posting much. I feel like a bad blogger. I guess it doesn’t matter much, though, since about 10 people read my blog! I have been updating my Twitter QUITE often, though, so follow me!

Things have been really crazy around these parts lately. I’ve been having a lot of fatigue/ dizziness/ headaches lately. Not so fun at work- especially when I sit under florescent lights and stare at a computer screen all day. By early afternoon every day, I end up sitting at my desk and crying. Good times!

I’m an actress! I’m in a play that my BFF is directing. It’s a small role, and all proceeds are going to support the Children’s Hospital, so it’s really worth it to me….. The downside? It makes for REALLY long days and gives me a lot less time to sleep at night. I’ve only been rehearsing 1-2 days a week, but after next week I will be there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT until the show closes in mid-August. My poor husband! (and his poor arteries! Every time he has to cook for himself, its deep fried something. I hope my doing this show doesn’t cause him to have a heart attack! My baby needs a daddy!)

Our Holiday weekend was really low-key. Everyone congregated over at my mom’s house and sat around and then we all went to fireworks. As much as I LOVE big celebrating on holidays, it’s really nice to have a quiet one every once in a while.

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On a more somber note, my husband’s grandfather passed away yesterday afternoon. He was such a sweet, funny, kind hearted man- definitely my favorite of his grandparents. The last time I saw him was on Father’s Day, when we told them about the baby. He looked better than I had seen him look in a REALLY long time, and we were all joking around and talking about baby stuff.

He was 90 years old. He and his wife lived by themselves in a trailer until about 2 months ago, when they moved to a nursing home because she has been having a lot of back pain and can’t move herself around. He took care of her single-handedly for so many years! Did he finally let go because he knew she would be taken care of?

It’s going to be so strange to not have him around. He was an amazing man, and he will be greatly missed.

We Have a Heartbeat!

I got to see the heartbeat this morning! And I cried a little bit :) I did end up bringing my friend with me. She only got 1 ultrasound with her baby, so it was a cool experience for her to see the heartbeat, too.

I thought it would all feel real now that I saw it, but it still doesn't! I guess maybe that's how life works, huh? Am I excited, though? You better believe it!

Thanks! and Nervous

Thanks to everyone who reassured me that I'm not a terrible person for hating morning sickness!

I'll definitely ask my Dr about Unisom and B12 when I go in tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous for this ultrasound! I know way too many people who have gone to this one only to hear that they aren't having a viable pregnancy. I know I saw the yolk sac last week, and that's a good sign, but I'm so scared that there won't be a heartbeat! I'm especially nervous, because The Hubs can't make it to the appt with me tomorrow. I have a friend who said she'd come with me, but I can't decide if I'd rather go alone.

Please keep me and the Bean in your prayers. I'll let you all know what I find when I get back tomorrow!

Nobody told me the first trimester sucks!

...Or maybe they did, and I just thought they were exaggerating. I mean, really, how much could it suck, right? You’re PREGNANT! There’s a person growing inside of you! You should be SMILING as you puke your guts up, right?

Well, I did smile the first couple of mornings that I woke up with the nausea that never ends. I was humming a happy tune as I dry heaved over the toilet at work. I laughed when I became too bloated (and constipated) to button my pants. Because I’m growing a person! After 2 years of trying, I actually got knocked up!

And then reality hit. Constant nausea sucks ass. Constipation should be a four letter word. I know I need to eat, but NOTHING tastes good, and I gag while trying to force feed myself. Having to sit at work, under florescent lights, and stare at a computer screen with a screaming headache, and not being able to take anything for it is a special kind of torture. I don’t know how pregnant women function. Maybe I’m a wuss, but I’m having a REALLY hard time getting through this first trimester…..

And I feel so bad for complaining. I’ve wanted this for so long, I feel like I don’t have the right to be frustrated with the crap that comes along with the first trimester. I feel like I should be dancing around everywhere with a perma-grin on my face.

Yeah, I don’t have that.

I do take comfort in my sickness a little bit, however, because I know it means the Bean is still growing in there. I’ll be even more at ease once I see the heartbeat on Tuesday. Until then, it doesn’t really feel real. I just feel sick. Constantly.

Two years in the making…

I’m PREGNANT!

Ok, now that I got that out of the way, I’ll backtrack and let you know what’s been going on.

Sunday, June 7
I woke up feeling like I should test. Now, I’m not someone who likes to test a lot. I’d rather have a visit from AF than get a BFN. After I took the test, I sat there and held it for a little while, waiting to see if I could see anything develop. And I did! A faint little line appeared! I was sure that I was seeing things, so I yelled down to The Hubs to take a look at the test and tell me what he saw. His words “I see a line, why? What does that mean?” Of course, I told him. And of course, he was in denial! I don’t think it sunk in until a couple of days later, when he told his boss he was going to have to start looking for a second job.

We decided to wait to say anything to anyone.

Later that week (16dpo) I went to the RE for a blood test. Beta #1 confirmed that I was, indeed, in the family way, with a number of 73. I was hoping for something over 100, but 73 was a nice number. Beta #2 on 18dpo jumped to 209, which is better than I had dared to hope!

This morning I had my first ultrasound. It was too early to see the heartbeat yet, but we got to see the yolk sac, and that means it’s not ectopic. If you measure from the first day of my last period, I’m supposed to be 6w5d. The ultrasound, however, measured me at 5w6d. It’s not that big of a deal, but it makes me feel better to know that it’s earlier than I had calculated. I had suspected that I had implanted a little late, and I think that might be what was causing the lower beta numbers.


We decided to wait until Father’s Day to reveal the news to our families- which is why this post is so late. There are people that read my blog that I know in real life, and I wanted to be able to tell them in person before I told the internet. It was SOOOOOO HARD to keep this a secret from you all- although, if you follow me on twitter, you probably have already figured it out!

My Husband ROCKS!

Not for any particular reason this week. I haven't actually seen him much.... But I love that I always know he'll take care of me when I break down into a bundle of nerves- and that happens more often than I'd care to admit. I love him, and I'm so happy to be sharing this journey with him!

a day

I’m having a day. A crazy, hormonal, irrational, annoying myself day. I’m second guessing things that I was so calm about just yesterday. I’m irrationally angry at myself for being so irrational.

This is all so annoying. I just want to go home and crawl into my soft, safe, comfy bed and sleep through today.
I know this isn't really an update....... sorry about that.

...or Not to test

I’m pretty sure I won’t have to waste a HPT this month. I’m not bleeding yet, but I feel like I normally do about 3 days before AF comes. A little crampy and bloaty and tired and that feeling, you know?

Oh well, I guess there’s always next month (for the 17th time…)

The faces of Autism

I think I've talked about my baby brother who has Aspergers syndrome. He started his very first job today. He graduates from High School on Friday. He's starting college in the fall. He's going to be rich one day!



This is my beautiful niece, Abigail. Today she was diagnosed with "functioning Autism." They will have to do more test to find out where she fits on the spectrum. I know things are different now than they were when Benny was diagnosed, but it's still going to be a long, hard road for her to travel.

I will be there for her every step of the way.

I think the tides are turning.

I actually have some stuff going on to tell you about…..

That cryptic request I had a while back? I think I can tell you now, because the initial hard part is over…. (I hope I’m no jinxing it!) I had an interview this morning to be the office manager for a chiropractic clinic. I think it went really well. 90% sure she’s going to call me back for a second interview. (Well, she said she would, but she still has a couple other people to interview first, so I’m leaving room to be disappointed.) This sounds like an amazing opportunity. She’s looking for someone to stick around for a while, and I’m looking to find a place to stick around in! It’s only about 10 minutes from my house (right now I drive 40ish) and it would give me the variety I’m craving. Please keep praying for me!

Also, I’m pretty sure I O’d on Monday. It was CD19, which is the earliest I’ve EVER O’d (since I’ve been charting) without Clomid or a trigger. I think that means the Vitex/ Cinnamon/ Soy combo is working, no? Also, even though we’ve been crazy busy this month, we actually managed to do some baby dancing that day! Do I think we actually made a baby? Not really- but there’s a chance, and it’s a step in the right direction!

Last but not least….. I’m going to be acting on a stage for the first time in 10 years! A good friend of mine is doing a fundraiser for Children’s hospital, and he asked me to play a small part in the play he’s directing. I’m terrible at memorizing lines, so a small part is all I really wanted, and I’m really excited! I used to be really into theatre in HS, but then life got in the way, and I just didn’t have time for it anymore. I’m SUPER nervous, though… what if I suck? At least it’s only a small part, and no one will really remember me- and it’s for a really good cause!

Cross your fingers, everyone! I really hope that this all works out for me…. After a year of NOTHING new happening, I think I’m about due for a few changes!

I don't get me

Remember my post about Mother’s Day? Remember how I was surprised by the reaction I had to the minister asking the mothers to stand up? Well, my emotions surprised me AGAIN. Normally I love surprises, but…..

So my co-worker’s husband’s birthday was yesterday. He didn’t have to work, so he met her up here for lunch. And he brought their 1 year old daughter. Co-worker warned me that she was coming, and I was actually really excited to see her. Usually I have no problems spending time with kids/babies. Actually, I love it. I look forward to it. I hadn’t see Baby since she was about 2 months old, so I was anxious to see how much she had grown.

And then my emotions decided to freak out again. I saw her and smiled and then strolled back over to my cube and hid my face in my hands.

Seriously, I’m over it. I really hate being OK with mommies and pregnant ladies and kids one minute and then freaking out about it the next. I hate not knowing how I’m going to react. I mean, if anyone would know how I would react to something, don’t you think it would be me?

UGH.

They say it’s your Blogoversary….

I wanted to write some big, meaningful, “I can’t believe it’s been a whole year, and so much has happened” post. But I can’t. Because, really? Not so much has happened.

I’m having a really hard time coming up with words that are post-worthy, so I’m just going to say THANK YOU to everyone who reads and comments. You have no idea how much it helps to know that I’m not alone, and that I’m actually talking to someone- and not just a blank page!

Hopefully I’ll be able to write that meaningful post next year...... as a mommy or mommy- to- be!

cryptic request

I'm going to be cryptic about this, because I don't want to jinx it. I got a call today that could be the answer to some of my prayers (not IF or TTC related). I'm not going to tell you what it is until after next Friday (the 29th), but in the meantime, PLEASE send up some prayers that this isn't too good to be true, and that it works out how I want it to.

I know God has a plan for me... I sure hope that His will is the same as mine in this situation!

Thanks!!!!!!

Jon and Kate break my heart.

First of all, I want to say at HUGE thank you to everyone who as commented and emailed me this past week. The blogging community is an amazing thing, and I thank God all the time that all of you are out there. Also, I want to clarify something- I don’t think it was a bad thing that the church acknowledged the mom’s on Mother’s Day. I know the being a mom is probably the hardest thing I will (hopefully) ever have to do, and I think all mothers deserve a round of applause (and maybe a keychain, I guess.)

While I am a huge media whore, sometimes I REALLY hate how they sensationalize everything. Right now, I’m talking about Jon and Kate Gosselin. In case you’ve been living under a rock, you know that there are rumors going around that Jon has cheated on Kate. And then there were some rumors that Kate cheated on him with her bodyguard. And some people are saying that their marriage has been over for a long time, and it’s all just a ruse for the cameras. I say that this all makes me sick.

I think what everyone is forgetting is that there are CHILDREN involved! I saw an interview with Kate on Larry King (I think) and she said that the kids weren’t being impacted by all of this.

I call a great big BS on that junk.

Look, the twins are 9. Small private school or not, they are going to hear about all this crap going on in the media. Not only are they going to hear about it now, but it’s going to follow them for the rest of their lives! This stuff is in print. It’s not going to just disappear. Someone needs to take responsibility here and stop instigating the media circus around this family. The kids didn’t ask for any of this, and it’s so unfair to have them pay for the actions the adults in their lives have chosen to take.

That’s all I have to say about that.

unexpected emotions

I wasn’t going to write this post. I wasn’t going to get on my blog and write about how much yesterday sucked. Quite honestly, most of the day DIDN’T suck. It was really mostly just a day of hanging out with family like normal. It was nice.

There’s one thing that has been bugging me, though. We went to church yesterday with my husband’s family. I’m REALLY not a fan of that particular church, but I put on a happy face, because that’s just what you do. So we were sitting in the pews and listening to the minister talk about mother’s day and ask questions of the ridiculously adorable children of the congregation. At the end of the discussion, the minister asked all of the moms in the congregation to stand up. I expected that.

I didn’t expect, however, the feeling that came over me. I didn’t feel mad or sad or disappointed or indifferent. What I felt was humiliated. Even as I sat there, I knew what I was feeling was crazy. Aside from my in-laws, I didn’t know anyone there, and I probably would never run into them again. They didn’t know my story. They didn’t know that I desperately wanted to be one of the women standing. For all anyone else knew, I was just a young woman who didn’t have kids. For all they knew, I could be someone who didn’t want kids, or just wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility.

So I sat there and applauded the mothers and smiled at the kids who were passing out “Happy Mother’s Day” key chains to everyone standing up. I did the best I could to hide the tears in my eyes, and was fully prepared to shrug it off as allergies if I was asked. I was so ashamed that I wanted to run out of the building and hide in my car and sob. I stayed, because I didn’t want to cause a scene.

Eventually the feeling faded and I was able to get through the rest of the service. As soon as it was over, though, I was out of there. I’m not sure why I had the reaction that I did. I guess I’m putting this out there because keeping it inside makes the feeling even stronger- like I should be hiding it- and I know that it’s not something to hide.

@#!%^*#&*^@#*

Well, it’s CD1 for me. WARNING: this is going to be a TMI post. If you’re one of those people who know me in real life and don’t really want to hear about my bodily functions, stop reading right now.
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I did O this month. The Hubs and I actually did “do the deed” during the fertile period. I didn’t say anything to him or anyone else about it. I guess I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t jinx it- and I’d be telling my family on Mother’s Day that I would be joining the ranks soon. I was wrong. Damn hope.

A couple of days ago, I started spotting. I still didn’t say anything. It was brown and REALLY light. I still had hope. Yesterday was more of the same. I had visions of taking an HPT on Saturday morning and waking the Hubs up and doing a happy dance and crying together and jumping on the bed (well maybe not. We have a low ceiling in our bedroom, and he’s 6’5”, so it would be ME jumping on the bed alone).

This morning, I woke up to find that AF did decide to pay me a visit. Bitch. And she’s not being very nice about it, either. I have the worst cramps I can ever remember having. I’ve taken 4 ibuprofen, and still I’m in bad shape. Dammit. And I still have to be at work and smile and act like I’m not in pain.

I’ve been taking the cinnamon for about 3 weeks. I started taking vitex this morning, and I’m stopping by Wally World on my way home to pick up some soy. I WILL O in May, dammit. This path I chose to take WILL work. It has to….

In Which I am a Hypocrite.

I have to start this post off by saying that I am overweight. I know I am. It sucks, and I’m pretty much failing at eating healthier (although, I do try!) Losing weight is not easy- especially when, up until about 4 years ago, I was technically underweight. I was actually one of those annoying people who could eat whatever the heck I wanted to and still not gain anything. I mean, I still had thunder thighs, but that’s just genetics. But seriously, I barely broke 100lbs until after I met my husband. (At first it was “happy weight”, and then it got out of control when the PCOS took over.)

ANYWAY- this post is not about me.

Over the weekend, I went to my old high school to watch my baby sister’s stage debut in their spring musical. It was cute. I hate going to see music related stuff there, though, because they have THE WORST vocal director I have ever met in my life, and so I always see so much wasted potential. And then I get distracted by imagining all the ways to get this chick fired………. Aaaaaand I’m off topic again.

Before the show, we stopped in to ACME to pick up some flowers for Baby Sister. On the way in, we passed a mother and her daughter. This girl couldn’t be any older than 8, but I bet she was 180lb easily. It made me so sad, because obviously this girl never got a chance. (The mom was way heavier- 380 is a lowball estimation.) This poor little girl is probably fed only processed foods that are high in sugar, refined carbs, and fat. How is she supposed to grow up and be healthy when she doesn’t know any better? It made me think back to the days when I worked in a clothing store, and mothers would bring in their children who were in grade school to shop in the plus size section. I would always get so so sad for those girls, because I know how cruel their peers can be. Kids can be really mean to each other.

So I was thinking about that when I sat down to watch the show. At some point, I noticed the actors on stage were mostly overweight. Why is this? Why is it that so many teenagers now are overweight or obese? I thought back to my HS class. Honestly, I couldn’t remember too many of us being bigger. Is it because there is more fast food around? I doubt it, because my friends and I ate Wendy’s at LEAST once a day. Is it because they aren’t as active? Maybe that’s part of it. Is it because the economy is in the crapper, and healthy food is expensive? That’s probably part of it, too….

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser, or because my company has hired a fitness/nutrition guru to do seminars, or because I’ve been doing my own research to try and get my PCOS under control, but I’ve been really noticing all of this lately, and it really bugs me.

Any thoughts?

Helpless.

A few months back, my mom and I took a road trip to see my cousins in Missouri. The second night there, we stayed up late, talking. (We usually end up doing this at least once every time any of us visit. It’s my favorite part.) While we were talking, I realized just how much had happened to us all in the past years. My cousin (who is also the oldest of his siblings) and I realized that, for the most part, things have been happening to the people around us more than to us. We are the observers. We get to watch our family members go through the hardest battles they’ve ever had to fight.

He had to watch his sister miscarry while his wife was pregnant. He had to watch as his brother got into a motorcycle accident, was in a coma for 3 months, and is still (7 years later) slowly recovering. He had to watch his mother battle lung cancer and lose.

I had to watch my sister recover from a rape and find out she was pregnant. As soon as she started getting used to the idea, and even starting to welcome it, she lost the baby. I had to watch that same, unmarried, sister find out years later that she was accidentally pregnant with twins. I had to watch my mother deal with losing her sister and best friend, only a few short years after losing her mother. I have to watch my parents support 2+ families on one income. I had to watch my brother lose 2 people he was close to in a matter of months. I had to watch my baby brother learn how to navigate high school with Asperger’s Syndrome….

Sometimes I wonder where I get off complaining about IF and PCOS. I look at what my family has been through, and I realize that I got off easy (so far). Sometimes, though, I wonder if it’s maybe harder to have to stand back and watch the people I love suffer so much. Is it maybe a form of survivor’s guilt?

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I have a few prayer requests today as well:

~ My brother found out this weekend that he lost his friend to cancer. He was 26. His family had to have him cremated, because they couldn’t afford to do anything else. Please pray that God will give them strength to get through this terrible time.

~ A friend of mine went to an u/s today to find out that her baby stopped growing 2 weeks ago, at 6 weeks. She and her husband have been trying for so long to have a child, and they’ve already had to deal with a miscarriage previously.

~ The Hubs and I have some friends from church who are going through a hard time right now as well. They have had to deal with the loss of a grandmother on both sides of the family within the past month. Please pray that they will be able to find strength and comfort in each other.

Thank you.

My Husband rocks :)

It's been a really long time since I've posted a MHR Friday post. I feel kinda guilty.

This week, my husband rocks because he asked me out on a date! I'm so excited! Maybe it sounds silly, because it's just the two of us, and we live together, and we see each other every day. We go out to eat every once in a while. Why is this different? I have no idea, but I'm pumped!

Really, it's nothing too fancy. We're going to a restaraunt that we've never been to before, and then going to a movie at a theater we don't usually go to. I like this place because it has armrests that can be pushed up, and the seats are kind of love-seat style. So we get to cuddle. YAY!

giveaway!

Pooba is having a contest to give away some super cute aprons! The contest is to help raise money for her sister in law's mother's cancer treatments. Hop on over and enter!

An almost hug from an almost stranger

Yesterday the Hubs and I went to his niece's birthday party. BIL and SIL are good friends with a couple who have gone through IF issues and ended up adopting internationally. I don't know the specifics of their situation, but they are really nice people. The wife, R, is always so friendly, and goes out of her way to say hi to me every time we're somewhere together. I know she knows our story. I'm actually really comforted to know that she does.

Yesterday, in the 5 minutes we were able to talk, she told me about her friend who had triplets through IF treatments and just found out she was pregnant naturally. Hearing a story like that may seem so random coming from someone I hardly know, but from her, it felt like so much more than that. I felt like she was saying "I know what you're going through. I know it's hard. We don't know each other, but I am on your side."

It was a short, simple conversation, but it meant so much to me. Thank you, R, for giving me that "almost hug."

HAPPY ICLW!!

I totally stole this idea from Katie at The Happy Hours.

Welcome to the ICLWers! I thought this was a great idea, so I’m going to introduce myself via the alphabet.

Aunt- I have 4 neices and a nephew who I love with my whole heart.
Broken bone- as in, I have never had one.
Cat- as in, I have one! Her name is Maggie.
Dog- I have one of those, too. Charlie, the Shih Tzu, is the cutest dog in the world
Eeek! This is hard than I thought it was going to be!
Fish- I have had 2. Superman and Superman, Jr. I accidentally sent Sr. to the fishbowl in the sky when he fell down the garbage disposal while I was cleaning his cage. Jr. died after I forgot to take him out of the house when we bug bombed. I’m not allowed to have silent animals anymore.
Girly- My husband says I’m the girliest girl he’s ever met. I take that as a compliment!
Handel’s- one of my favorite places to get ice cream
Iron Commentor- Or, what I'm going to be at the end of this week
Jill- my name (creative, right?)
Kit Kat- my favorite candy (you know, in case anyone ever wants to send me a present)
Laughter- something I think the world couldn’t survive without.
Music- probably the most expressive/universal form of communication in the world.
Negative- every HPT I’ve ever taken has shown up this way
Original- how I like to think of myself.
Paul- my husband’s name
Quiet- something I never thought I’d get enough of (I was wrong)
Risk taker- something I don’t really consider myself as.
Sunset- one of nature’s many wonders. Sometimes I wonder how someone can look at something so beautiful and doubt the existence of God.
TTC- what we’ve been doing since June 2007
Uvula- one of those words that I think is really funny
Vag cam- Something most of us have experienced a time or too many to count
Work- what I SHOULD be doing right now.
X-ray- the WORST part of going to the dentist (yes, even worse than the drill)
Yellow- My 2 year old niece’s favorite word. You should hear her say it. It’s adorable.
Z- is the last letter in the alphabet (Sorry, I can’t think of anything besides Zebra, and that’s way too obvious!)


Ok, I kinda just typed whatever came to my mind for all of these letters, obviously. Go see Katie. Hers is better.

Bring on the rain...

I’m hopeful today…. Which usually means I’m about to get some bad news. I hate to think like that, but that’s generally how life hits me.

I started taking the cinnamon over the weekend. So much nicer on my intestines than Met! I’m pretty sure it’s working, too, because I didn’t have much to eat yesterday before church, and ended up having my sugar drop while grocery shopping. Luckily, we were grocery shopping and there was some soda (which I rarely drink) available. I didn’t start the vitex, because my local health food store was out of stock, and the supply I ordered online hasn’t arrived yet. I’ll update on that once I get it. I’m so excited to start getting healthy! I feel good. I can’t remember the last time I was able to say that. PLEASE God, don’t let this feeling go away….

A New Path...

So I’ve done some research, and I’m going to be starting a regime of Vitex (aka chaste berry) and Cinnamon supplements, and Metformin will be no more! I’m cautiously optimistic about this plan of action. My gut feeling is that this is the answer I was looking for, but I’m not going to get my hopes up just yet. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I have about 3 different posts in the works that I can’t seem to finish. Hopefully today will be a breakthrough day and I’ll actually get one posted!

IF Etiquette?

I just found out my cousin is pregnant. It was twins, but she lost one. What do I say in the situation? Is it Congratulations or I’m sorry? Do I acknowledge that I know about the lost little one? We used to be really close when we were younger, but not so much anymore. What is the etiquette in this situation? You’d think I’d be better at this by now…..

Natural Woman

Every once in a while I will have someone suggest to me that I look into “natural” treatments for my PCOS. (Natural as in herbal or holistic.) I usually say something about how I’ll look into it, and then I don’t. Since our insurance won’t pay for IUI, though, (and it’s the next step according to the RE,) I figure now is as good of a time as any to look into something a little different. (Also, when I think about it, pumping my body full of MORE chemicals doesn’t seem like such a great idea….. )

Here’s the thing, though… I don’t have a clue of where to start in this area. I’ve always been known as a “walking pharmacy.” I’ve never really questioned the drugs, just did as my good Dr. said. If there’s anyone out there in Bloggy World who can point me in the right direction (or, hell, even ANY direction) I’d love the advice!

PCOS sucks

I posted this on my local message board last night. It helped, but something kept bugging me to re-post it here. Some of it I’ve talked about before, and some of it I haven’t. It’s not anything deep or life changing, but it’s how I’m feeling and I need to get it out.

Warning: This is going to be long and whiny and exactly how I'm feeling right now.

I'm pissed off at the world. I'm angry that I keep gaining weight, my face is broken out like a teenager, the hair on top of my head is thinning, and my already embarrassing facial hair (due to being an Italian) is getting worse (because of PCOS). I feel like PCOS has taken over my entire identity. I don't recognize my body anymore. I'm self-conscious and it's hurting my marriage. I'm sure there is nothing sexier to a man than being with a woman who feels fat and ugly all the time. I hate that I have to choose between taking Metformin for my PCOS and Zoloft for my depression caused by my PCOS. I can't take them both at the same time if I want to keep my food down.

My husband doesn't get it. He tries, but he just doesn't. I'm out of words and I have no idea what to say or how to get him to understand how hard this is on me. I know that, in turn, it is just as hard on him, and it's such a vicious cycle that I have no idea which way is up.

I'm angry at myself because I can't seem to get healthy. I know I need to eat healthier, but the food is expensive, and I have such a hard time preparing it. Most of the "healthy" recipes that I've found and want to try have many ingredients in them that Paul doesn't like, and it's hard to work up the energy to cook 2 different meals. I need someone around who will encourage me without saying "don't eat that- it's not healthy" or "I'll believe it when I see it." I need someone who can lead by example without being the kind of person to get on a soap box expounding on the evils of processed food. I've never had to worry about what I put in my mouth before I got married (which is coincidentally when I got diagnosed with PCOS) and I'm sick and tired of trying so hard and then falling flat on my face.

I'm angry that I've been trying to start a family with my husband for almost 2 years and we've gotten nowhere. I don't understand why it has to cost so much for us to be parents. It doesn't matter if we do IF treatments or if we go to adopt, the cost is going to be ridiculous. I am so resentful of the people who *accidentally* get pregnant or that get pregnant on purpose to collect more money from the government. I don't understand why love and desire aren't enough. I'm mad at myself because I'm not pinching and scraping every penny together to get enough for an IUI. I want this more than anything, so WHY can't I get my ass into shape and do the work I need to do?! Why can't I just have a nice date night with my husband around CD14 and bring home a baby 9 months later?

I'm so worried that this is going to be the pattern for years in the future. We'll start to save a little bit of money, and then something will come up and we'll have to start at square one. I'm worried that we're never going to be parents. I'm worried that the only time I'll hear the word "Mom" is when it's in reference to someone else.

I've never really had big dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or a corporate business woman. I always wanted to grow up and get married and have a family. I didn't think I was asking too much....

A Beautiful Mess

So… umm… I slept in again. I have no idea why I keep forgetting to set my alarm at night, but this is the second time, in as many weeks, that it has happened. Is my subconscious telling me that I need to stay home and get some R&R? Maybe. Maybe I should listen to it………

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I’m going to do another “cop out” and post the lyrics of Jason Mraz’s song “A Beautiful Mess.” That’s kind of where my mind is right now:

A Beautiful Mess lyrics

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
and Based on your body language,
and shotty cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you are biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words, I'm paraphrasing, this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is the life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt, oh dear
Cause here we are, here we are


Here we are [x7]
We're still here

what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.


and through timeless words and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts

but it's nice today
Oh, the wait was so worth it.

I don't really have a title for this post.

Welp, she showed up. (AF, that is.) I can’t say I’m surprised, and I’m a bit relieved (because I knew she was coming, and I was getting hormonally out of control!) It still sucks, though. As always, there was that TINY shred of hope in the back of my brain that said “stranger things have happened….” Oh well. The good news is that my last cycle was only around 36 days as opposed to my normal cycles that can go 90+ days.

As much as I probably should get it all out, I don’t really feel like talking about all that IF crap right now. I think I’m a little bit more down about it than I’m letting myself admit, and I’m not quite ready to let myself find that out yet.

Plus, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.

What I want to do is share my new found obsession with all things Harry Potter. I know, I’m a bit behind the times, but I’m head over heels with J.K. Rowling and her ridiculously creative mind. I just finished HP and the Deathly Hallows last night…. And I have to say that the entire series is just freakin brilliant! I LOVE how she doesn’t waste pages on describing scenery, but it’s so easy to imagine this fictional world anyway. I love how her characters are so 3D that you feel like they are real people. I love how I feel like I would know how they would react to certain situations. I love how even the most minor characters are given some sort of substance.

I have to admit… I did try to read them back in the day, but I couldn’t get into the first book, and didn’t try again until just recently. I’m glad I waited, though, until all of the books were written. I’m really not good with cliffhangers, and I will refuse to see a movie or read a series if it’s a “to be continued…” type of ending. I’m impatient (tying back in to the IF crap…..) By the end of the series, I found it really hard to believe that the series is classified as “young adult fiction” and not just “fiction.” I really could probably gush on and on and on about every little thing that I loved about it, but I won’t. Just read the books if you haven’t. They’re really good, and there’s something in them for everyone.

Anyway….. other than all that, there’s nothing too exciting going on in my world. I have a toddler gymnastics class with the Littles tonight, so that should be fun….. And I downloaded Jason Mraz’s current CD, and I LOVE IT!

I need a time out

Let’s talk about my boobs. And how they hurt. A LOT. And they’ve hurt for about a week and a half now. And I peed on a stick (took a home pregnancy test) on Saturday morning which resulted in a big fat negative (BFN) like I knew it would. I thought it would be an open initiation for AF (Aunt Flo) to come for a visit, but the biatch is still messing with me and doesn’t want to show up. Also, I’m an emotional wreck and I can’t think clearly (unless it’s about my recent Harry Potter obsession, of course!) and I’m really freakin tired! I’ve been really sulky and crabby and edgy for a week now, and I know my husband is getting REALLY sick of it….. and guess what?! So am I! (I almost threw a temper tantrum ala my 2 year old self because he didn’t stop to get me a shamrock shake at the exact moment I wanted him to.) (Those things must have crack or something in them. I think all of McDonald’s food has some kind of addictive substance in it. No joke.) (Can you believe I haven’t ever had a shamrock shake until this year? I’ve had 2 in the last week and I just can’t get enough of them!)

Also, Spring is starting to show itself. YAY! It was 60 and clear yesterday and today is supposed to be the same today. Let’s hope the Gray Season in Ohio is over!

Where I've been.

It’s been a hard few weeks, guys. I’ve been sick, my friend lost her great aunt and grandma within a week of each other (which means I was doing my friend-ly duty and cooking/babysitting/being generally supportive) and now my little 2 year old niece is in the hospital due to dehydration. She’s been there since Sunday afternoon, and they’re thinking she’ll need to stay at least another night.

I think I might be starting to get what the Littles have (some sort of stomach flu) but I’ve already called off of work sick 5 times since the first of the year. Also, my boobs hurt sooooo badly, and I’m an emotional train wreck, and I thought AF was coming yesterday when I saw the tiniest bit of spotting, but she was really just kidding. I haven’t temped at all this month, so I have no idea if I Oed at all. Plus, even if I did, I’ve been sick and busy and it’s been a bad month, so I can guarantee that there will be no BFP this month. OH and I've been really bad about taking my Metformin, so I have no idea what my ovaries are saying. I'll post more about that later.

On the bright side, I’ve had some quality time with some of the babies in my life! It feels so good to be able to cuddle a little one. I guess, sometimes, it doesn’t really matter if I gave birth or not, I just love babies! Of course, I still REALLY want to have my own, but it’s nice to have a “substitute” every once in a while.

Another good thing- I had a Pampered Chef party on Friday that went well. I had a mix of old friends, new friends, and family at my house. I love it when people come to my house. The closest I live to any of my family is a 30 minute drive. Most of my friends live at least that far away. I think that makes it so much better when anyone comes out to see me. Also, I’m a semi-hermit (unless shopping is involved, I really don’t like to leave my house.) so I’m most comfortable when people come to me. I don’t have the biggest or nicest/best decorated house, but I love to have it filled!

And for the random closer…. Idol is on tonight! YAY! I hope this season is better than last. I was pretty much bored for most of it. There are several on this year that I really like, so I’m pumped!

My Husband ROCKS!!!!

I haven’t been participating in MHRF lately, but it’s not because he doesn’t rock. He does. All the time. I just haven’t really felt like blogging about it.

Just this week he’s: Taken care of me when I was sick, brought home dinner when he knew I would be too busy to make something, given up a weeknight to come to a funeral with me for a friend’s grandma, and today he’s using his day off to finish cleaning the house so that I won’t be embarrassed to have company over tonight.

I sure am a lucky girl!

Sometimes I wish I was Amish

I’m greedy. I have champagne taste on a beer budget, as my mom would say. I love watching home improvement shows and reading up on the latest fashion trends. I drool over designer handbags when I go to Macy’s.

What do I do for fun? I go to jewelry stores and try on tons of ridiculously priced pieces of perfection, and then leave, pretending that I’m just not finding what I’m looking for. I go to the mall and try on name brand dresses and trendy clothes just to see what it would look like if I had the money for such things. When we were house hunting, I spent as much time looking at houses that were way out of my price range as I did looking at some that I could afford…

Have you ever noticed that the happiest people are the ones who have nothing? They delight in the simplest things. They find their happiness in each other. They entertain themselves by simply being together- not by sitting next to each other and zeroing in on a movie or television show (which the Hubs and I do frequently- because LOVE TV), or by playing video games, or by doing any of the millions of activities that we do “together” but not.

Sometimes I wish I was Amish. I would have my community for fellowship and entertainment, my faith for guidance, and no distractions from what is truly important.

Then again, I’d have to work REALLY hard, my hygiene would be lacking, and I’d probably have to marry my cousin/brother/uncle as there would be no other options…….

sad news

I’m sorry to be posting something so morbid during ICLW, but I guess this is time sensitive…

I opened my Google Reader today to a new post by one of my favorite bloggers, Lisa from Clusterfook. Lisa is a mother of 2 and so uplifting and funny, but at the same time real and honest. She’s one of those people that I would love to know and spend time with in real life.

Lisa is dying of ovarian cancer that has spread throughout her body.

I opened her latest post to find that it hasn’t been written by her at all, but by her friend, Karl, who she had asked to post updates on her health once she no longer can. It seems that she is not doing so well, and the doctors think that she will be “lucky” to make it through the weekend. Please stop over to her blog, read her story, and leave some kind words. I’m sure her husband and daughters will appreciate all of the support.

25 things

In honor of ICLW, I'm posting this random meme that I did on facebook. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to post right now... I've been kinda short on time this week....

1.I'm not really sure that there are 25 things about me that people will care about.

2. There are currently 11 people living in my parents house. 2 are my parents and 3 are my siblings. The rest are members of my extended family. (There have been no less than 10 people there since 2001)

3.I've always had a dream to open my own bridal boutique.

4. I still have no idea what I really want to do "when I grow up."

5. My biggest regret is not getting a bachelor's degree.

6. My second biggest regret is not going away to college. (although, I might not have met my husband had a done that..... so I guess it was meant to be)

7. I hate my name. I thought about going by my middle name (Renee) when I got to High School but that would have been too much trouble.

8. I don't have a favorite anything (color, band, food, movie, book, etc...) there are too many to choose from.

9. I'm indecisive.

10. Sometimes, when I'm out in public with my nieces, I like to pretend they're my kids. Especially when I'm being told how cute they are!

11.I was really excited to get Jillian Michaels' 30 day shred in the mail, but I haven't touched it since it got here.

12. I sometimes still sleep with a stuffed animal. His name is Bowsers and he's a yellow stuffed dog.

13. I have a friend that is an astrophysicist. Thinking about it makes me giggle every time.

14. I have absolutely no idea how to decorate my house. Anyone wanna come give me ideas?

15. I can't stand monotony. As soon as one big event is over, I have to focus on the next big event coming up, so that I don't get too bored with the every day.

16. My biggest fear is being forgotten. That said, I always assume that people I haven't seen in a while don't remember me.

17. I saw Titanic in the theater 3 times. I bought the score and cried while listening to it. When the movie came out, I bought it and never watched it!

18. I could totally be a shopaholic.

19. I am a self-proclaimed chocoholic.

20. I watch WAY too much tv.

21.I would love to live on a farm- if I could pay someone to do all of the hard work and just hang out with the animals when I felt like it.

22. Sometimes I wish the whole women's lib thing never happened so I wouldn't be expected to work outside the house.

23. I have a list of things I would get done if I was ever chosen to be on extreme makeover.

24. I once almost moved to Chicago to go to fashion merchandising school.... but then I chickened out.

25. I LOVE presents! But I would rather someone spend $5 on me and get me something that shows they really know me than spend $5000 on something impersonal.

3 years ago...

options and decisions

Thank you all for your advice and support. I understand this isn’t the end of the world, it just threw a great big wrench in my plans, and I’m still trying to work out where to go from here….

The Hubs and I have not had a chance to sit down and actually talk about this yet. I think we’re both kind of afraid of having that conversation….. it can go so many different ways!

Option 1: we save up money and wait until we have enough to do an IUI. Neither of us is very good at saving, despite our best efforts. Pros: We won’t be going into debt, so that will be one less thing to worry about. Cons: This could take a very long time, and if the first one doesn’t take, we’ll have to do it again, which means we’ll have to take that time to save up for another round, and that means waiting some more. I’m not good at waiting, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now…

Option 2: We look into a payment plan with the RE’s office. Pros: We get to go ahead with IUI sooner rather than later. Cons: The chances of the Hubs going for this are slim. He doesn’t really like owing people money.

Option 3: We look into getting another credit card. This is probably not going to happen for the same reason as number 2. Also, interest sucks.

Option 4: I work out like a madwoman and actually stick to a diet, and we hope and pray that I start ovulating again and we can do this the old fashioned way. Pros: I’ll get skinny and healthy. (this is a big pro that I’m working on anyway) Cons: Again with the waiting and trying. Plus, who knows if/when I’ll ever ovulate on my own. I haven’t ovulated without being medically treated since about 3 years ago.

Option 5: We scrap the whole IF treatment thing and look into adoption. Pros: This was my original plan. I had always felt that if I wasn’t able to get pregnant on my own, it would mean that God was trying to tell me that I needed to adopt. (and really, who could have predicted this? My mom had 6 kids, and my sister got knocked up on accident. Twice. Once with twins. Because her ovaries got really excited and spit out 2 eggs.) Also, I would be raising a child that, otherwise, might not have love in his/her life.
Cons: Adoption is expensive. It can be really involved and take a really long time to get an infant. Also, I’ve tossed the idea up in the air a few times, and the Hubs isn’t 100% on board with it. There are many reasons, and none that are baseless.

The one option that is completely out of the question for me is the one where we choose to live childless. I know I won’t be able to handle that. It would absolutely kill me to never have a little voice call me “Mommy.” I’m not strong enough to struggle with this for 5 or 10 or more years before finally having a child. I’ve been praying so hard about this for so long, and I still don’t have an answer. I know which direction I’m leaning toward, but I’m only slightly leaning that way. How do I know what is the best way to go? How will I know if I've made the right decision? More importantly, what will happen if the Hubs and I can't come to a decision we're both at peace with?

You know what they say about people who ASSUME…..

I finally got around to calling my insurance provider to find out about what fertility treatments would be covered. Silly me, I figured that, since my RE was covered in their plan, they would cover some type of treatments.

They don’t. The only thing they only thing they cover is getting diagnosed. Isn’t that nice of them? I kind of feel like I was dropped in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes on my back, and told that it was up to me to figure out how to get back home.

I’m really not sure what to do with this. I guess The Hubs and I are going to have to have (yet another) serious talk.

Dammit.

Kind of all over the place

I don’t have anything profound to share with the class. I have failed at ICLW. I was so sick and achy all weekend that I really didn’t feel like sitting in front of my computer. I’m sorry. I really thought I’d be able to do it this month…

I did, however, watch Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium [http://www.magorium.com/] yesterday. (I called off of work because I was miserable.) This movie was SO good… and the casting was amazing. Dustin Hoffman! Natalie Portman! Jason Bateman! Why wasn’t this movie a hit? I’m pretty sure it was being targeted to the wrong audience.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes:

“37 seconds”“Great. Well done. Now, we wait.”“No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds well used is a lifetime.”

Have you seen this? If not, go rent it. You’ll love it. Don’t expect it to be all light and fluffy, though, because it’s not. It’s heartwarming and uplifting, but there’s some definite depth to it. Stop back here after you’ve watched it to let me know what you think.



I’m on CD 62. No signs of ovulation or AF. I’m wondering how long this stalemate with my ovaries will last. Obviously the Metformin isn’t working as well as I would have hoped.

Just stuff

My sinuses hate me. I feel like I’m stuffed with cotton from the base of my neck to the top of my head. My head is so stuffed with cotton, that it made me forget a bunch of important stuff…. Like the fact that it’s ICLW! (and some other important work-related stuff, too. It’s pretty frustrating. I know the knowledge is somewhere in my brain, I just can’t seem to get to it. Totally annoying.)

I really don’t have too much to talk about today, so I’ll just give you a glimpse into my tv junkie mind.

American Idol auditions bore me. I think they showed a whole 1 or 2 decently talented people on last night’s episode. I fast forwarded through most of it. And Bikini Girl from last week? Please. I hope this season gets better, because right now it seems like a joke. Kara DiGuardi is pretty cool, though. At least she’s credible.

24 is back, and started the season off well. I did a little happy dance (OK, a big, over the top happy dance) when I saw a few of my favorite faces back. Tony Almeda is totally hot, and I really missed Jack Bauer. I think I’ll forever miss David Palmer. He was my all time favorite character.

Gossip Girl was OK this week. I’m over Dan and Serena. I haven’t liked them with anyone else they’ve been paired with, but I don’t like them together. I think I’m just mostly over Dan. I’m super stoked about Lily and Rufus, though. They’re sweet together…. I’ve been rooting for them since the pilot. It was good to see Blair as the Queen B again. Nate + Vanessa = boring. I liked them together at first, but the pairing makes Nate have not enough screen time. I’m not all about that. Also? Jenny’s hair? Ew. It’s so bad it’s distracting.

One Tree Hill was only OK this week, too. I’m really glad that Julian is turning out to be a good guy for Brooke. She’s my fav, and I like him. What else has he been in, though? It’s driving me nuts. Also, is it just me, or does anyone else think that James Van Der Beek (sp?) should have come back as Dawson? I mean, Dawson was a director, and his character would have been THE PERFECT choice for Lucas’ movie. Am I right?

The Big Bang Theory is my new favorite sitcom. I still love HIMYM and The Office and always will, but TBBT makes me laugh EVERY TIME. It’s just really smart comedy. It kind of reminds me of my friend who is an astrophysicist. (You think I’m kidding, don’t you? I’m not. He was one of my best friends in HS, grew up within walking distance of my parents’ house, and currently lives in Switzerland with his super cool wife.) So anyway, I like that show.

Lost starts tonight. I have mixed feelings about this show….. I loved it until last season. I’m really frustrated with the fact that it raises all of these questions and then NEVER ANSWERS THEM! EVER! I’ll watch, and I’ll probably become addicted to it again, but I’m not all that pumped for it.


Yesterday was Inauguration day! Whether you love him or hate him, President Barak Obama made history last night. I feel so blessed to see this in my lifetime. He has a lot of expectations to try to live up to. I hope people realize that he is only one person, and he is only human. Change won’t come immediately, but I believe it will come. My prayers go up for the Lord to protect him and guide him to the correct path for this country.

43

According to Google, 43 people subscribe to this blog. Why haven't I heard from you? I'd kinda like to know who you are, so do you think you could just leave a quick little "hey there?"

Come out, Come out wherever you are!

Dear Jillian Michaels,

Until you show up in my mailbox, like I asked you to over a week ago, I am going to rebel by eating all the junk food I can get my little paws on. That cool with you?

I'm gonna miss this...

The song “You’re gonna miss this” by Trace Adkins makes me cry every. Single. Time. I listen to it. The lyrics are so true, and they really hit home… especially since I’m being so impatient with TTC. The Hubs and I are really trying to enjoy every day as it comes, and enjoy being relatively free to do whatever we want. I think all of us who are TTC, however, know how incredibly hard it is to do when everything inside of you is screaming to become a mom.

*************************************************

She was staring out the window of their SUVComplaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
And she keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me. I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"

Waiting....

We’re going to wait to start IUI stuff until March. The Hubs read somewhere that it can take up to 6 months for metformin to help with ovulation, so we’re going to wait until then.

I hate being in this place. I hate being stuck, knowing that I can’t really move on with my life because of “what if?” (ie. If I get a new job, we’ll be without medical coverage and I probably won’t get maternity leave. At the same time, I think it’s really time for me to move on from this place. I need a job that will keep me mentally engaged throughout the day. This is not that job.)

I’m just kinda all over the place right now. I'm repeating myself, but I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, and that there are other people out there who have it worse than me. I know that I’m being a terrible person when I say that I don’t WANT to be that couple who waits and tries for 5 or more years before FINALLY getting a miracle pregnancy. At the same time, I really need to be able to move on from here. I think I could handle failed IUIs or a miscarriage better than I can handle “waiting it out.” I need to know that I’m going in a direction, one way or the other.

I’m just SO SICK of waiting……

MY HUSBAND ROCKS!

I’ve been a bad blogger for a few weeks… and I’ve been even worse at telling the world about how my husband rocks. He has, indeed, rocked the few weeks I was MIA, I was just too lazy to blog about it. Today, inspired by Katy Lin, I will again announce to the webisphere why my darling husband ROCKS!

1. Where did you meet? We were set up on a blind date by our best friends, who were dating each other at the time.

2. How long did you date before you were married? We were dating 4 years (almost to the day) on the day we got married. He proposed to me after 2 ½ years of dating, though.

3. What does he do that surprises you? Laundry! Don’t think for one minute that I don’t appreciate it!

4. What is your favorite quality of his? How he cares about people…. My family/sisters especially. I love knowing that I have married someone who cares about them (almost) as much as I do, and would do anything for them.

5. What is your favorite feature of his? The way his eyes sparkle when he’s really happy.

6. Does he have a nickname for you? Does “honey” count?

7. What is his favorite food? Sauerkraut and Pork (and he recently declared that I make it better than his mom. That was pretty much the awesomest thing ever)

8. What is his favorite sport? Depends… I think Basket Ball and Football are about the same, however, I think he’s more of a Browns fan than a Cavs fan.

9. When and where was your first kiss? Right outside my mom’s front door, after we had been seeing each other for like 2 weeks.

10. What do you like to do together? Veg and watch TV or go out to the dollar movie theater.

11. Do you have any children? Not yet (obviously.)

12. Does he have a hidden talent? Laundry/cleaning. He can seriously get spots out of anything!

13. Who said "I love you" first? I let it slip after we had been dating for a little while, but I brushed it off as a joke and didn’t mention it again until he said it.

14. What is his favorite type of music? Christian Rock/ Heavy metal (or as I like to call it, “yell-y music”

15. What do you admire most about him? His ability to keep our checking account in balance. We’d be in serious trouble if it were left up to me. I fully admit it, and I’m fully grateful for him!

16. Do you think he will read this? Yep! He totally reads my blog (especially the MHR posts)